My mother is in her early 50's she does not work due to small health issues recently she has decided that she no longer wishes to baby sit her grandchildren (the last time for me was back on October 22nd 2014 my sister in November ) I don't ask her for much help as it is because she is often to busy playing Facebook games she saw the kids twice in 2 months has stopped ringing everyday I will be lucky to receive a call every 2 weeks and when we do talk she does not ask about the kids unless promoted.
I am wondering if it is easier to ignore her existence until she calls because it is upsetting my kids that nanny doesn't care about them anymore and when she does ring or return my calls stick with closed responses like yep I'm fine etc.... I'm just sick of a one sided relationship with my own mother I guess
6 Replies
Ok I don't have a problem with her not calling every day or even not wanting to babysit. Believe it or not not everyone looks forward to the day when we can be grandparents. My mum is the same. But I know she loves me and my kid she just has a life beyond me and the kids (which I think is extremely healthy) wether it's Facebook, or other interests. She watched her own mother make her kids and her grand kids her entire life and then they all abandoned her (besides us) and she was left trying to rebuild her life in her 70s. Just another perspective.
I do think we have a new era of grandparents, my parents need to work so I don't have any support or babysitters and they live two hours away but for them they had both sides if their parents home to babysit or pick me up from school or even go for a spontaneous sleep over. There isn't the family or community support for young families that my parents and grandparents had and part of it is their own selfishness and want to "live" their life but it is also because we all need to work now and work until a lot older unfortunately.
My MIL wouldn't consider looking after my kids. She's to wrapped up in her own world of being secluded (doesn't visit people, doesn't get out). Tells EVERYONE who makes an effort to visit or call her how much she loves them and how much they are progressing and smart they are and how much time she spends with them. She doesn't see them, she doesn't spend time with them. When asked if she watch them the reply is 'Look after YOUR kids! No thank you!'
My mum on the other hand, can't get enough when she visits.
Im isolated, Im alone. My partner is an un helpful man who in some ways is too much like his mum. Wanted kids real bad, wants the fun stuff but when sickness or sadness kicks in he is out the door and too busy in a flash. Heaven forbid I should I get sick 'suck it up princess, there's nothing I can do about it' and out the door.
Sorry, off track.
I guess it depends on the families sense of 'family'. And their financial situation.
I see some people who have it set with grandparents looking after kids. They have time to themselves and time for relationship rebuilding. Im so jealous of these people, but they are the ones that take it for granted.
Maybe your mum doesn't want to be too intrusive or maybe she is just enjoying her time of freedom while she still has enough to enjoy it. People are too different now. Maybe its time for the new generations to regain the family and community sense. Make it a rule, family first. I do.
I feel bad writing this, but i agree. I often feel a twinge of disapointment that the grandparents arent more hands on. My parents are both recently retired and in good health, they tell me all the time how the kids are the light of their life....and yet want nothing to do with them?? My mum told me that she would have the kids in the school holidays, but so far nothing. And when they have had them they dont do anything or spend any quality time with the kids, its just go and sit down and watch a movie and dont make Mess! I know they are my children, it just hurts that they wouldnt want to be around my kids-because they are such beautiful children.
Sorry, ive no advice, but i feel ya! I hope im a nice Granny one day!!
I also agree.
If my mum was closer she would be awesome, my dad recently passed, so I think this year she will spend a bit of time with us (17hrs away)
Having said that, when my 2 we babies, she was great phone support but wasn't really interested in the whole baby sitting thing (when they came to visit)
I thought she might like time alone with the kids.
My inlaws on the other hand, drove us nuts on how we should and shouldn't do things, once my SIL decided she wanted kids, but no partner MIL dissapeared.
She too lives 900kms away
We thought she too would like alone time, but she only wanted them when they were babies. Haven't heard boo, still waiting on xmas prezzies for kids. My dad dies a week before xmas, and she hasn't rung to see how we are.
Our grandparents were/ are a very active part of both hubby and my upbringing, although we both lived very close to them.
My mother while I don't believe is selfish in any way shape or form, infact she is far from it, is a foster carer to a little girl. Now don't get me wrong I LOVE that little girl just like she is part of our own family but sometimes I do get upset because I feel like my kids (I do have four) get/feel a little "left out" so to speak. My eldest is the only boy in the family on my side and my dad very rarely does anything with him because they are always too busy looking after Miss 3 or having Miss 3's siblings for respite (who are EXTREMELY full on). It is a very rare occasion that my parents will babysit ALL four of my children at the same time because (in my mothers words to me one day) it is just too much (um ok), BUT will babysit my nieces all together for weeks at a time over the school holidays. Now don't get me wrong it makes no difference to me at all, but what does hurt is that my kids aren't silly and they do pick up on these things and it does upset them, quite a bit at times, and that breaks my heart :( . My mother seems to have adopted the same understanding that her mother had of her and that is that she doesn't have to worry about me cause she knows I can look after myself. While I appreciate that and am very proud of that fact my kids shouldn't have to suffer (should they?). Unfortunately this same mentality caused her mother and her to not speak for quite a few years and caused quite a cuffuffle within their family unit. This is something that I never want to happen so to keep the peace I keep my mouth closed :( . My MIL however is more than happy to babysit the kids on the rare occasion that we might need it. The only problem with that is that now one of my daughters flat out refuses to go there because of the way she is always picked on about what she eats and told that she shouldn't eat this and she shouldn't eat that (but it's ok for my MIL to eat the stuff that she really isn't supposed to being a diabetic :( ). As a result of this they don't go there very often either anymore (my daughter never goes anymore unless I am with her). Call me crazy, call me over reacting call me anything you want but I WILL NOT have my daughter go through the same crap from her grandparents that I had to go through with mine as a kid.
Having gotten all that out and with my earlier statement of "to keep the peace I keep my mouth closed" it is some days getting harder and harder to keep it shut because there does feel like there are some double standards happening and I am getting to the point where I can't put up with it anymore (and my kids shouldn't have to).