Hi IMs, apologies and thanks in advance as this is quite long but I appreciate any advice.. About a year and a half ago, I had written in about my husband who was constantly getting into bad moods and was just generally very angry, throwing things, punching or slamming furniture, smacking kids in their sleep for disturbing him etc.
I received a lot of great advice on that original post, most was advice to get out and leave, others suggested to see a gp and get referred to a couples counsellor. I chose the latter. I felt too guilty to leave and too afraid of the "what if"s.
So from there, basically, he refused to see the counsellor with me and was infuriated that I then attended the appointment alone. After that though, he said he realised what he was doing was upsetting and unfair and will work on his anger.
Fast forward to today, some things are "better". He doesn't smack the kids so much in their sleep (on the odd occasion but nowhere near as bad), and slamming furniture etc has mostly stopped. Having said that, my kids are now sleeping better through the night as they'r that little bit older (nearly 4, 2.5 and a little over 1).
The things that still get to me though are starting to really weigh me down.. He's constantly criticising me and putting me down. This year he started transferring some money into my account every week for groceries (before it was 0 and we would often have no food in the house because I don't have any income at all, I'm a sahm and no centrelink because his income is too high) but he will constantly say things like "what am I paying you for?" And that he needs to be "rewarded" in return. He constantly speaks negatively of my family and friends. When he gets home from work early, he tells me to pretend he is not here because he normally wouldn't be here at that time, then he will have a nap or play games on his phone etc. including when I've been sick a couple of times. I have to lie about still seeing the counsellor because I once let it slip and he accused me of having an affair. He offers no help at all Around the house or with the kids unless I literally lose the plot because I'm overwhelmed by everything I have to do. Then he complains that I do everything on my own and "act like I don't need him". He tells me I'm raising a bunch of criminals (our kids) because they will have the occasional tantrum because they want something they aren't allowed to have. My kids watch him when he's angry or both of us when we are arguing and imitate things. I could go on and on..
He will occasionally try to sit next to me or have a cuddle but I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to be near him so then he will tell me how much of a bitch I am and he is trying so hard and I'm ruining the relationship. Which I can see what he's saying but I can't bring myself to give in to what he wants.
I'm not happy with or proud of where this is heading. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. The counsellor I see says I'm making progress and am starting to be more assertive with my husband (and I know I am) but I don't feel like this is enough. I feel like I'm just becoming a bitch. I don't know if things will get any better than this again. I feel like I'm stuck. I still feel guilty about leaving but at the same time I feel like I need to. Then I start to worry about my kids, what's best for them?? I feel like at least if I stay I am here to defend them when he does hit them for ridiculous reasons. I don't know.. Do things get better than this? Will I ever be able to get over it all and move on and actually be happy again? Or is this going to be my life if I stay?
24 Replies
I'm sorry to say it so bluntly but you've just wasted another year and a half with him. I remember reading your post and I suggested you go seek help TOGETHER or you need to leave asap (although I was hoping you would leave). He sounds abusive, controlling and pretty much just like a jerk! When you told him you wanted to go to couples counselling him shutting you down should've been the last straw because HE is the one that needs help! I'm sorry you feel so trapped and disappointed and sad but just know that there is a brighter future out there. Things will not get better if you stay, but they have a huge chance of getting better if you leave. I was in the same position and although some things are harder (having to return to work) I found overall my life is SO much easier and happier and my kids are doing amazing as before they were always very stressful kids because of the negative environment they lived in.
I am really sorry but he is abusive. This is domestic violence. Sorry!! He is manipulating you into staying. He hasnt changed. He is verbally and mentaly abusing you. He will return to his old ways or find new ways to abuse you and control you. Mine was like what you explain he has now upped it to physical. He grabs be and twists my arms.restrains me. Man handles me and stops me getting out of the house. He has started tugging my hair and hit my face one not hard but I was schocked. He hugs me frm behind and raises his arms around me neck firmly.
mine constantly uses the household chores to justify most of the way he hurts me.
He disciplines with the kids is tough.
He makes yells at me and naggs always for sex. He will ignore me if I say no or just lose it.
he threatens to cheat or go to brothels.
He is jealous and will want to beat up random men he finds a threat to. Even randoms at the shops or shop keepers.
He says I am having am affair at the gym.
he has threatened and intimated me.
He hurts our pet animal. Threatens our pet animal.
My pets and kids I can tell are anxious. I can tell the pets are scared.
Thats roughly what is going on for me.
I am receiving help and you should also apply to victim services for counselling. Best of luck. Lovely. Dont let him destroy you or suck the life out of you. I am getting stronger. He tore me down I suffered anxiety depression and panic attacks. I could hardly function.
Just know your not alone. Support is out there. Reach out. Xx
I hope you are not still with your partner as well! He should be shot. And I tell you what if a man ever treated me like that he would wish he was dead because once my family found out he might as well be! I don't understand where women like you and others being abused families are??? Can no one see!?
Please leave if you haven't. It's sounds like a horror story reading what you wrote!
I hope you are not still with your partner as well! He should be shot. And I tell you what if a man ever treated me like that he would wish he was dead because once my family found out he might as well be! I don't understand where women like you and others being abused families are??? Can no one see!?
Please leave if you haven't. It's sounds like a horror story reading what you wrote!
They hide what they're going through, embarrassed about what he does abd what happens to them, they isolate themselves and keep it all in because they will be judged And made to feEl worse. It's a really heavy burden, it's even harder to make any sense of for them without a reasonable sounding board. It's really hard to understand if you haven't been there, it doesn't happen overnight, it's a spiral of conditioning and manipulation, really hard to understand.
Have you looked up the cycle of domestic violence? You are in a DV relationship and you can bet your bottom dollar it is affecting your kids. it has been a year and a half. He hasn't changed. doesn't matter if he does it less...he still does it! He is abusing you financially and socially and emotionally and as a child victim of DV I can tell you that your kids will be taking all this in. 28 yrs and my dad still hasnt changed. I have cut contact. Mum has moved on to better things and is so much better. you know you need to leave. its time to ring the national domestic violence hotline. good luck xxxx
And physically abusing your children! If he slapped someone in the street he would be arrested for assault!!! why should he be alppwed to get away with hitting his own children. being slapped, punched, kicked and choked by my dad haunts my dreams.
message domestic violence no more page on facebook and ask to join there secret support group.x
Oh my goodness. Forget working towards being assertive with him. Walk away from him!!
Sorry but he slaps.the kids in their sleep? What do you think that does? Can you imagine being woken up being hit in the night? And no, less is.not better :(
They need to be removed From him. And so do you. They deserve a safe place To sleep at night. And live in the day. Non-Violent. Non abusive.
I'm really sOrry that you've stayed and lost yourself, yes it wwillonly get worse and you'll get deeper and more miserable and lonely and unable to fight, but I'm really sad for the children, they can't make the decision to leave, they need you to do it.
yeah you need to be more assertive, assertive enough to LEAVE. Sorry he is abusing you and your KIDS.
Oh honey, you need to leave this is still an abusive relationship. Even if you think his behaviour has gotten alittle bit better. Please please don't feel guilty about taking your kids away from him or breaking up your family. You need to put your children first and protect them and your self. Speak to your counslour tell them you want to leave and need help, they can put you in touch with ppl that can help. Your worried about him being alone with the kids when you leave DONT leave the kids alone with him until a parenting plan has been arranged and push at the mediation for supervised visits so someone can keep an eye on him. You where strong enough to stand up to him to say your getting counseling now take the next step your strong enough to leave this situation. Stop the cycle of abuse and safe your children from this.
If you are doing all this effort to make your marriage work... What is he doing to fix HIS ISSUES? Honey without any judgement at all (because I have been where you are) I just want to say that any progress you are making in counselling is being completely voided by staying with this man. Do you ever feel like this won't get better? Start trusting yourself and do what's right for you and your kids. I want to cry and give you a hug. I know how you are feeling right now but there is a much brighter, safer, more calm and positive life out there for you :-)
Wow, so much of your post hit home for me, my husband sounds similar to you, and you sound a lot like me unfortunately, I always thought that if I left, my husband wouldn't get the help he needed, so I stuck around, my husband has depression, and he came to the councelling with me, but said that is was all one sided, I had to make a time table to manage my time better (to show him how much I do) and he had a list of chores that he found unfair, so eventually we stopped going, we have been together for 9 years, and I don't want to be with anyone else, but I don't want to be around him either... he has squashed my self esteem, and even our children avoid him, So I asked him to leave, I think you should do the same, it will be super hard for you not to fold, especially when the manipulating comes along and 'it's all your fault', but you need to keep in mind you are doing what is best for all of you and removing yourselves from a horrible situation. And hopefully from this he will seek some help for his issues
You need support from people who know how hard to is to live in a domestic abuse relationship. There are a lot of very startling stats that can indicate where this might go. Please get specific help with this, its very serious. One step at a time. Get support. Your story is textbook. Get help.
i can told understand u im u in a away my husband is as bad now he never hit the kids when they were asleep tho he after 2 years of a slow start to fix the problem he is now getting better alot faster we can have a fight and not be at each others throat we talk more we laugh more we smile more and my hubby didnt work but he does now its been a slow progress it got to the point were i hated him i wanted to kill him this is going to sound bad but i even no how i was going to do i but we talked we struggled but we got there u need to find the man u love again the more he improves the more u will see him again but in the end its ur chose to stay or go wait and work or leave i personal couldn't give up on something i worked so hard on
FFS ! Reading this makes me so angry ! Leave luv, this relationship is so far from normal , stop being selfish and get your children away from this controlling manipulative abusive bastard ! Obviously he only cares about himself , stop making excuses !!
Hi, I appreciate your advice but I don't see how I'm being selfish.. I actually do have my kids' best interest at heart. Everywhere I go, I'm being told "kids are better off with both parents", "have you really tried EVERYTHING?" My counsellor knows everything, 2 GPs are aware, I've called DV hotlines.. I'm commenting in here because I can do it anonymously but some of the comments on the facebook post are uncalled for, and I believe your comment about being selfish is also a little harsh. Thank you though.
I don't understand how staying with someone who hit them in their sleep is in the best interest of the child. How can you possibly think it is ok for your children to grow up in an environment where the role model they have treats their mother like this?
Do you see how you are living in a domestic violence relationship? do you know the damage that you are doing to your children by staying there? the damage your doing to yourself? Are you going to be proud of your children when they grow up to be abuses or to be abused?
If you have a daughter think of her future- think how you are teaching her it is acceptable for her to be treated this way that it is ok for the man who is supposed to love her to treat her the way your husband is treating you.
Or if you have a son do you want him to grow up to think it is ok to smack his children, your grandchildren, while they sleep for him to treat his wife the way you were being treated?
I know it is scary to think about leaving especially when he has got the control over you and the financial control but trust me you will be so much happier and your children will be safer without him.
That will be your life if you stay. It will also most likely be the sort of partner your children will settle for when they grow up. I have never heard of children being smacked in their sleep! Most parents, no matter what sort of day they have had, look at their sleeping children and just feel overwhelmed with love. I know it's easy to say leave, but you may not have the finances to do so. Please start making a plan (without telling him) or seek help to do so. xx
I'm really sorry this is your life and you have suffered so much but you have tried and he's not going to change because he's an abuser. To be honest this is what going to happen 1. Your kids are going to grow up damaged and either hate their father or hate you for staying and exposing them to abuse, or 2. Your kids will grow up to be like him. Do u want either of those things? You need to make a plan to leave and go for full custody with supervised visits with their father because he's not a fit parent. If u have told your counseller what goes on those records can be the evidence to support this. Please take a stand for yourself and leave. Pack bags and important documents and get out (or take out an AVO on him and get the police to remove him from the house and change the locks). Do it now before your kids are any older. There are support services out there, use them or ring your family or friends and get them to come and get you. As long as you stay you are telling him it's ok to treat you and your kids like this and it's NOT. You can do this. I believe in you ?
Kids are only better. With both parents when they are good parents who treat them well and when the relationship is healthy. None of these things are true in your situation. Please see the consensus in these replies, EVERYONE is telling you this is not ok, he is abusive and you need to get out. We are all on your side and are trying to help you as you have asked. You have nothing to feel guilty about leaving as your husband is not fit to be a partner or parent. Please your kids are going to be damaged for life if you stay, GO
Thank you.
Kids are only better. With both parents when they are good parents who treat them well and when the relationship is healthy. None of these things are true in your situation. Please see the consensus in these replies, EVERYONE is telling you this is not ok, he is abusive and you need to get out. We are all on your side and are trying to help you as you have asked. You have nothing to feel guilty about leaving as your husband is not fit to be a partner or parent. Please your kids are going to be damaged for life if you stay, GO
You need to stop procrastinating and get ur kids the hell away from this low life parasite you call a 'husband'. If you don't care enough for urself to get away then u owe it to ur kids to remove them from this situation.....if anybody touched a single strand of my kid's hair, let alone their father, u can bet I'm not gonna wait around for things to get better, regardless of my personal feelings for my partner or how grim the situation feels. Your kids happiness and welfare SHOULD BE YOUR FIRST PRIORITY!!!! That alone should be enough motivation for you to get the wheeels in motion so that u can focus on providing the kind of life that they need and deserve. Get out now while u can, the longer u stay, the more life he'll suck out of u and ur kids.....he's just a parasite and the sooner u get rid of him, the better!!!