My ex and I split when our child was 6 months old. For two years he only had her every second weekend and occasional longer visits (up to a week). For the last twelve months we have had 50/50 shared custody week on week off. This has all been done by private arrangement. I get along with his family and his partner well enough. We also live 3 hours apart. He has recently requested that she attend preschool in his town which means she will be in my care every second weekend and school holidays. I made the suggestion that we maintain this arrangement until the end of Stage 1 (Year 2) and then swap over so she lives with me until the end of primary school. At which time she can decide what high school she will attend and where she will live. I felt that this was fair for all of us and the least disruptive to her life. Now my family are putting doubt in my mind saying that I'll miss out on so many things (even though I've also asked that we try to both attend all important events in her life such as awards/performances etc. and that along with regular phone calls I'm kept up to date with any news) and that I'll regret the decision later down the track.
Just asking for any advice or suggestions and maybe reassurance/support as I don't feel that I will renege on my decision.
Am I making a mistake?
Am I making a mistake?
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Parenthood Guilt, Education
7 Replies
What an amazing mum. Go for it! You have thought this through and you clearly trust your ex which is brilliant. I think your family are struggling because your plan doesn't fit societies norm of mum who has majority of care. I think your doing a great job though, and it's a great idea. 3 hrs away is not an easy distance so it makes sense for your daughters care.
My first instinct is that that is too long away fom her ( for me!!) but if youre fine with that thats cool, i will try to share my thought process. I think you will miss out on picking her up from school, talking to teachers, knowing the ins and outs of her day which is, essentially, her development, & working together to support & raise her. Thats a large portion of your childs upbringing to miss. Plus not to mention the cuteness factor of picking her up & walking home & that chat... Those are good bonding times & memorable moments. If it was me i would worry that missing that could eventually affect your relationship with her. Secondly, what if after that length of time dad doesnt want to return her, & youve got no legal leg to stand on, itd actually prob look more favourable for him due to history & consistency. Maybe at min draw up legal terms?
My question to that would be why shouldn't dad get that opportunity? Aren't dad's as entitled to those bonding opportunities as much as mums.
Yep dads entitled, but one weekend a fortnight is a little time for either parent, in my opinion, if youre both trying to co- parent. As i said each to their own, every family works it out their own way, but i, as the mother, wouldnt miss out on that, thats all.
If you are happy with it go for it, my suggestion would be just to get something proper written up legally. Dads deserve to have a chance providing it is a good option (no risk of danger), so don't listen to anyone else. You sound extremely confident with your decision and naturally because it doesn't fit into societies norm everyone will have an opinion. Do what is best for your daughter and yourself and what you are happy with.
Personally I wouldn't be able to let my child go, but whatever works for you
I thinks it's admirable that you are wanting things fair but also risky. Even if it is legally drawn up who is to say that in 3 years time after having her living with him that he will be willing to give her up. He could fight this and claim that she has established a life at his town and it would be disruptive to remove her. One weekend a fortnight is very little time (for either parent), I think you both should consider what is best for her rather than what each if you want. Eg. Is it possible for one of you or both of you to move to the same town so that your daughter doesn't have to ultimately choose between her parents, change schools and make new friends. You could continue 50/50 care and she would have less travel. I understand what your family is saying because you will miss out on a lot, no phone calls can make up for being there on a daily basis. She will miss you as she is used to being with you for a whole week as opposed to two days here and there. A fortnight is a long time for a kid. Having said all that, it's completely up to you. If you feel this is what is best for your daughter then hold your head high and go for it, but don't do it in order to be fair to the father. He doesn't matter, your child does.