I'm after some advice on gentle parenting (no physical punishment, no timeout, no praise of rewards). I was disciplined with a lot of hitting, yelling and name calling when I was a child. I don't want to repeat this with my children but unfortunately it has influenced the way I parent. I have a 2.5 year old who I really struggle with. I know that being constantly defiant, tantruming and frustration are just part of being a toddler. I use the 1,2,3 magic method, timeout, ignoring and time in, loss of privileges and praise for positive behaviour. But I always just end up smacking him, at least twice a day. About once a week I explode, yell smack and put him in his room. My husband is struggling in the same way and spends about 80% of his time with his son either yelling at himk threatening smacks or actually smacking. I am ready to chuck in everything I knew about discipline and try a gentle approach to see if it will be more suited to us. Are there any parents out there who do not use traditional discipline?
4 Replies
I use a mixture. For example showing a child what they should do instead of yelling can make a big difference. Getting down and modelling correct behaviour is far more effective than time it or yelling. Gentle instruction of what to do, instead of yelling stop doing that. A good example is where children hit, usually it's for a reason, how should the child reacted, show them, and get down and play with them, and when you see the child get angry tell them how to show anger appropriately.
Also I'm a big believer in designing my home to keep my very adventurous child out of trouble. So locks on doors, things I didn't want him to access locked away, as he got older I gradually unlocked things as he had learnt the rules.
Also a busy kid had trouble getting into trouble. Bored kids get into stuff they shouldn't have, so trips to playground means less telling off. Bike rides mean less time ruining stuff at home.
I do a mixture i dont like smacking and will only ever use it as a last result. We currently have a reward chart system in my house we have 3 kids 8,5, and almost 2. We give stars for rewards and doing chores and bonus stars for good behaviour. If their behaviour is getting bad usually fighting or getting into each others things. Our first step is a warning if it continues then its timr out in their room usually about 5 mins. Even our nearly 2year old gets time out sometimes they just get so worked up they just need to be removed from the situation and cool off. I also find the time out gives me the space i need to regroup.
Oh that poor baby, if you think about it he's being hit by two adults 4 or more times s day. And one awful day s week. It's not because of him, it's you. You have to commit to not Smacking and stick to it. Place him in his room if you need a break, and don't let yourself lash out when you lose your calm.
I was raised similar to you, and I am committed to not doing it. I have two kids that have never been smacked and rarely shouted at, and they're beautiful and gentle and lively and well behaved. It takes work, and they tantrum in their development leaps like the best of them, but no matter what, commit to it.
great dvd http://www.123magic.com also go to your local school and ask to speak to the welfare officer or chaplain there are parenting courses available they will know where the local ones are.
magic 1-2-3 isnt being used if you are still shouting yelling hitting and smacking.....
have you considered counselling? even mindfulness and cbt it may help you identify that point when you need to step away before you resort to those methods,
thats himselfs biggest challenge when it comes to being effective.....he doesn't know when to clamp the lips and step away......