Hi all! So I've a question with regards to tying the knot. I come from a conservative family and have always believed in the values and essence of marriage between two people as a part of a life long commitment. Sadly, my 1st marriage failed as a result of control issues and violence. I have since moved on and been with my current partner for 6 years. He has also been previously married and divorced. I feel as though the time is right for us to get married - but cant help but feel like he is still not ready. We have been madly in love since we the day we met but every time the subject of marriage comes up its always been excuses - first he claimed we weren't ready, then he claimed we had to prioritize and buy a house first ( I found that hurtful: material things were more important to him than us) but I went with the flow. Now his excuse is that he has no money to afford an engagement or wedding. I've respected his excuses over the years but lately they are putting me off the relationship. Everyone has relationship goals - and mine is to get married and start a family. He is very clear and aware of this and made promises of us getting there by the end of the year. But I havent seen any hints or efforts, so I decided to hit him up on it. And he admitted that he will not be able to fulfill his promises because he is financially not able to. When I curiously asked him what he would do if his car broke down suddenly - his answer was "i'd go the bank and borrow some money for a new one'. I am gutted. Everything else seems achievable to him. Am I wasting my time? I'm in my 30's and he is in his 40's. I have tried talking to him to see if there are other reasons, but he insists its purely money related. Is it worth forking out more time into the relationship - waiting to start a family? I would like to rebel and do things the modern way by not worrying about 'marriage', but I'd rather not hurt my family by breaking some of the values that they are very sensitive to. And more importantly, Its what I believe in too. Thanks and I appreciate your advice :)
Note: I have told him I dont want anything elaborate and happy to elope and skip the whole 'wedding' but his reply has been 'I wanna make it good because this time, its going to be forever'. Is this another excuse or an actual genuine reason? Im lost!
6 years and waiting.
6 years and waiting.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care
4 Replies
Don't compromise in your values. Personally I'd first talk to him about the money. Would you be happy with a $100 engagement ring and a very all cheap, small wedding. It should be getting married that is important to you not the size of the wedding and you need to make that clear to him before you do anything else.
If you still get excuses, go your separate ways. But you should not compromise your values. He has had long enough.
He seems to think wedding = Money. Personally I'm with him, you need a car to get to work, that's an investment. Borrowing money for a wedding is insane. But if youre not on the poverty line, you should be able to afford a simple do, even registry or beach ceremony with 4 to 10 guests or close family. Or lots of people at a backyard bbq ( it can be classy and beautiful)
Are you willing to compromise and keep costs down? It sounds like he can't even afford an engagement ring and I wonder why that is, I dont have one and my wedding ring was 250 and the most expensive part of my wedding.
But I have to say if someone wanted nothing less than a 20000 wedding on debt that we couldn't afford, I wouldn't do.it either.
I agree. My auntie and uncle got married on a $500 budget. Too many people confuse getting married for a wedding. Going into debt for a wedding is ridiculous. Getting married is very cheap.
Why don't you propose to him..? My engagement ring is a silver band and was less than $150 (am guessing), if it is so important to you, why wait for him to ask you..?