Should I let my daughter go to the formal?
So there has been a lot happening for my 3 daughter's (11,12,14)
Their father passed away earlier this year, and they have all been struggling with grief as individuals. I have been trying my best, but I am failing.
My 14yo has been caught vaping, attended a party without permission (where there was alcohol and cannabis) and has been incredibly rude and disrespectful.
She has also not been attending school, even when she said she was, she won't tell me what she was doing when she wasn't at school. Like... attending 4 classes in 7 days kind of missing school.
My question is, should I let her attend her formal/ prom?
We already went shopping for the dress that she loves, but I am really disappointed in her behaviour lately and feel like there needs to be some consequences.
I am very mindful of grief, but surely there has to be a balance? Right?
3 Replies
Is she receiving counselling and support? Were there issues with behaviour in the past? Your world (and I mean you and your 3 daughters') fell apart this year. She would have so much going on internally. I think communication right now is the key and working with appropriate professionals. I don't think you'd want to alienate her.
I think rather then focusing on a punishment, you need to focus on her mental well-being. She needs counselling and an out let.
I'd also make a deal with her. Attend all her classes from now on, and she can go.
First off, you are doing amazing!
It’s a really hard hand to be dealt. Give yourself some grace!!
My husband passed away 2 years ago.
Our daughter was 9 and our son 7.
The first thing I did was get them into a psychologist. I also see one (we all see different people). It’s been the best thing I could have done. Mental health plan with GP reduced costs, but is the best investment you could make.
I found it really hard at first to say no to my kids, and it was easier to allow them to do what they wanted - because all the guilt - the poor darlings lost their dad. They were already so sad and I didn’t want to add to it.
They weren’t acting out in the same ways, but I was over coddling and making allowances - which if I didn’t get a handle on - would just become bigger issues later. It also would not have helped my daughter recover from anxiety and trauma from it all.
You will find your way into having the routines, expectations and boundaries again. It takes time. I’m 2 years on, and it still feels so fresh and new some days, others like it is a distant memory.
Don’t forget about yourself either, you need support to help get yourself ok, then the parenting stuff will fall into place. Grief with solo parenting is a huge thing. There is so much to navigate when your husband passes.
The mental load increases 10 fold, the duties increase, the emotional pain to carry, all the formalities to finalise and then still keep up with life and being a mum while the world carries on as normal - it is no easy task.
I personally wouldn’t take away an experience like that for the misbehavior, but I definitely would still find a consequence to those choices she made.
Having a professional guide you through is such a great help. Kids don’t listen to their parents very well, especially as teenagers, it will help lighten the load a bit and give you a fresh perspective.
Also chat with the school - they should be able to offer some support for the children as well.
I hope you are ok, sending big hugs.
Everyone said to me, just take each day as it comes, I say - take each moment as it comes.
Because some days all you have the strength for - is to breathe.