Im angry. Its my 40th. Iv organised a linch at the local pub. Most of my friends and family have kids and they have a playground. Every year I invite my inlaws. Not once have they come. My MIL said they don't to "pubs" both of my parents are dead. My dad when I was 11, and my mums been gone just over 2yrs. I want as much family there. I want to express my hurt, my annoyance. But at the same time, I don't want ppl there who clearly don't want too. Iv not joined in visiting with my partner the last 3 times.
Should I say something
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8 Replies
If you haven't visited them, it's probably reinforcing that they don't need to show up for you. Maybe call them and nicely ask if they are able to come and express that it's important to you without seeming angry
Do you do this every year? It gets wearing if you don't enjoy it.
My DH hates pubs, so refuses to go to the free work dinners twice a year, because they're always at pubs. I now make him do the Christmas one, but he grumbles, even though he knows he should go for workplace relationship reasons.
Perhaps do something different with your in laws. If they baulk you know they're not interested, but might just want something different.
Normally we just celebrate at out house. Then once some leave we head to the pub after
If they don't enjoy pubs and never go, it doesn't seem like the issue is you. They don't enjoy the environment. Maybe enjoy the pub lunch with your younger friends and invite your in-laws over for dinner, or morning tea, or find a nicer, quiet venue for a smaller get together. My parents don't cope with loud pubs that are family friendly either.
Bit rough to say it's the posters fault. It's the inlaws too. Where's their responsibility? But as you suggested, these two parties do need to meet somewhere in the middle.
Didn't say it was anyone's fault. In fact, I specifically said that it doesn't seem like they have an issue with the OP and just struggle with pub environments. Hence, suggesting she enjoys what she wants (the pub) with her friends and sees them to celebrate her birthday somewhere else. Nothing wrong with celebrating twice.
I hate pubs too. I'm a big introvert and it feels very uncomfortable. Forcing myself to go to things for others is actually distressing. Where I am has a bit of a crime rate so there's that too.
I think it's great that your inlaws feel they can openly express this to you, rather than feeling incredibly uncomfortable and hiding how they feel.
I would give them an opportunity to go to a coffee shop or somewhere much quieter to have a separate mini celebration before the main event.
I would only question or get upset if they were going out to the pub other times or decline your offer of a quieter get together to celebrate.
I have reduced hearing as I get older. We've changed from going to pubs for big get togethers to parks, houses etc. Pubs have a lot of background noise and it's physically uncomfortable for my husband and I and we can't hear people to engage with them either. I'm so grateful my family changed things without any hesitation when they realised