Hi everyone, I could really use some outside perspective.
I’ve been with my husband for a long time. About 15 years ago, he had what I’d call an emotional affair. It hurt deeply, and although we stayed together and worked through it, I don’t think I ever truly got over it.
Then about five years ago, something similar happened again, he was messaging a coworker, calling her babe, using flirty emojis (like 😈), and talking about seeing each other when traveling for work. We fought a lot over it, and I made my boundaries really clear. He promised to respect them and we tried to move forward.
Fast forward to now… and I’ve found new messages between him and another coworker. He’s calling her beautiful, gorgeous, boo, sexual banter/jokes, and saying things like “God it sucks that your team can’t travel, we need another drinks night out without having to go back home.” She also shared a little about her marriage problems. They don’t seem to contact each other on a regular basis but surely this is a slippery slope.
I feel sick about it. I’ve told him before what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not. He says it’s all harmless fun and that I’m overreacting. But I can’t help feeling like he keeps crossing the same line, just with different people.
Am I being too sensitive? Would this be crossing the line for you?
6 Replies
Anyone who thinks this isn't crossing the line has boundary issues. The only way my husband or I would ever talk like that with someone else would be with a very good, mutual friend if it was a sarcastic interaction and a joke. It would be an interaction that we were all involved in and laughing about and completely platonic... Just a reflection of our odd humour. That isn't the case here. In fact, your husband has specifically noted wanting to go out drinking with her at a time where he doesn't have to come home to you. I'd be out the door so fast. Marriage is about love, loyalty, friendship and respect. Without all of those, it doesn't work and he isn't giving you that.
He's a creepy, sleaze, always on the hunt for vulnerable women, he knows what he's doing and he doesn't love or respect you.
You aren't being too sensitive, you aren't reactive enough.
You think because you have now set boundaries everything will be okay, but he ALREADY knew he was crossing boundaries, he didn't need you to tell him, he doesn't care and he will continue to do so.
Sorry but it's time to grow a backbone, trust yourself and your feelings, you are right and leave.
3 times is all you know about, guaranteed this doesn't even scratch the surface.
This is a PATTERN of behaviour over a long period of time.
Also, if any have been willing, on the work trips, I have no doubt it would have gone from emotional to physical.
Guys aren't like us, a little bit of harmless flirting, men are intentional, if they flirt, they usually want to go all the way..
“God it sucks that your team can’t travel, we need another drinks night out without having to go back home.”
This is him propositioning her for sex.
I think from that they have already had it at least once
He's gaslighting you. It is not harmless at all! The things he is saying are equivalent to "it's all in your head OR you are crazy". Which is his way of making you question your own thoughts/reality. What you know about, is only what you have found out about. I have been where you are, trust your gut! Even if you do not have solid proof, someone who really loves you would never act in a way that allows you to doubt. The only regret I ever had was not leaving him sooner. Not all men are like this!!!!!