I struggle with insecurities and don't know if i'm being dramatic and just in my own head. Please help!!!
Partner wouldn't shower to go to bed with me even after i've begged him. When we would hang out on a friday night he'd be falling asleep by 9pm. NOW, he showers of a Friday afternoon then goes to the pub and often gets home after 11. (He's always gone to the pub on a friday night and has been going to this pub regularly for nearly 30 years. So not unusual for him to to go, but the routine changed recently)
He recently asked his housemate two weeks ago if I had asked him what time he got home.
So i'm thinking he has other interests at the pub that he wants to be fresh for. Getting action? And possibly lying about what time he gets home. Why else would he be doing this?
My partner and I have been together approx 8 years. We separated for a little in between. I found out he had lied about with sleeping with people in that time when asked directly, although eventually he came clean. He was entitled to see other people but lying after i'd been told about it was really rough. He also had admitted he had hidden from me that he used to hang out with a particular girl friend at the pub regularly because he didn't want to hurt me.
I have an issue with her because he used to constantly look her up on facebook, probably to look at the sexy pics she had up. So i have always been funny about her and believe he still lusts over her. Makes me feel like inadequate, insecure and sick to my stomach. He has always denied anything has happened between them but he recently told someone else there was history.
Recently we were staying at his house for 5 months and i was sleeping on the lounge because of his snoring which he refused to do anything about. There is no longer any intimacy which i've been ok with. HOWEVER, when I had still been staying in bed with him he was always clammy and sticky because he doesn't shower at night. I would often ask him to shower before bed as i want to cuddle him but don't want to hug a sticky dirty body, but he'd always very defensively say "I shower in the mornings". He is a truck driver but insists he doesn't get dirty. But to me, sweating, going to the toilet, heavy flatulence and all the things make for a dirty body.
I have caught him out lying about several women now. Some are simply messages, others are hanging out at the pubs, others have been around their history.
Found out today he lied in regards to taking girls down to the holiday caravan we had shared before we broke up. When we were back together Someone at the caravan park brought up about the other girl/s he brought down but he denied saying he didn't know what he was talking about. It was a very awkward and embarrassing moment around people who knew the truth. Today it was confirmed from someone that he had taken someone/couple of thm down. He was entitled to because we weren't together at the time, but when i asked he played stupid and denied everything.
Right now i am feeling extremely sick and insecure. I don't know if he is up to something and i'm scared to ask for fear of gaslighting and lies. I feel like if I confront him he is going to deny anything is happening. He has lied so many times and i've always found out the truth.
I do love him and want to be with him but not sure my mental health can cope. If i'm not with him i'll never be with anyone again. I'm 50 and thought he was my person.
4 Replies
no, it's not in your head and what you know is probably the tip of the iceberg.
he doesn't respect you because you catch him out on lies constantly and there are never any consequences.
gosh you're 50, i'm in my 40s, aren't you too old to put up with this crap?
what's wrong with being single, i am, would rather that than this nonsense?
if you want to, i'm sure you'll find someone else, but that's irrelevant, you just need to get yourself out of this toxic situation before it destroys you.
this is a loveless, sexless, lonely, anxiety inducing relationship, runnnnnnnnn, life's too short.
Why would you be with someone that doesn't respect you? Clearly he doesn't. Being single sounds much more appealing and I imagine you would be much happier.
Listen to your instinct. It is always right! This relationship sounds as if it is not working, for either of you it seems. After 8 years where are you going together? What’s the plan? What is your next natural step together? Are you together because it’s convenient to not be alone, or because you truly really love each other deeply (not just you loving him that much). How many times are you going to question yourself before you realise that this isn’t working. I think if you are asking the questions you are, you know deep down the answer. Being alone can be scary sure! But it can also be freeing in ways you couldn’t even imagine when you embrace it and figure out you, and what you like. Best of luck with it all.
He lies, he has a long history of dishonesty and everytime he lies, you know it but you do not want to consciously acknowledge it, because it darn well hurts. But lovely, you know he is a deceitful person.
He does not want you questioning him because he is lying. So what does he do.. he projects all his nasty shit on to you. This leaves you feeling insecure and questioning your reality. The pay-off for him is you stop demanding better from him or for yourself and he continues his behaviour.
I can tell you are internalising all his garbage and feeling unloveable, or like you will never be enough. Let me start by saying it's not about finding the next person, it's about finding yourself. No doubt you were probably completely different before him and that woman has been cast into the shadows. It's not about any age either, my mother found her soul mate in her late 50s. So just breathe and know you have time to make these decisions.
I know because I lived it. My only regret ever was not leaving him earlier so I could learn to love me longer. I felt so weak from all the gaslighting but once I left, it was like someone took my blindfold off.
It's not you, it's not all in your head, you are not crazy. He has gaslit you into accepting the absurd as normal and convinced you somehow it's your fault.
You are worthy, you are enough, you deserve love and respect <3