I’m after suggestions for my 14 yo daughter for consequences/discipline as I’m at my wits end!
She stole $400 of her brothers money. We grounded her for a month- no phone/tv/laptop only for school work and she paid him back from her savings.
We caught her many different times going into my room to check her phone, her laptop, stealing siblings phones, tablets, laptops, my laptop. Her phone and laptop have since been locked up- I have contacted all her teachers to say she doesn’t have use of a laptop. Everyone’s devices have been locked/passwords changed.
It has now been almost 3 months since she has been grounded as time keeps getting added on whenever she does the wrong thing.
We have added more restrictions- no tv at all, goes to bed every night straight after dinner, no friends over, no treats/desserts, everything “fun” has been taken out of her room- she doesn’t even have a door on her room anymore! Year she continues to still stuff up.
We went away for Easter and before Easter she was caught doing the wrong thing again and I asked her what she thought her punishment should be and she said that she wouldn’t get anything for Easter. So Easter was awful for everyone and to top it all off she fell over rollerblading and broke her arm.
I have now caught her again over the weekend with a phone that her friend has given to her to use. I just don’t know what to do to get through to her. I feel like it’s all just been blown out of proportion and I feel bad for her but the audacity of her to continue in this behaviour is mind blowing and we just don’t know what to do anymore!
Help!
8 Replies
Oh man being 14 is tough. Personally I just feel like a reset button for everyone is needed. She's not bad, she's not even unique with what she's continuing to do. It's like it has snowballed and the punishments are obviously not working and having no impact.
So what's happening with her? Have you just had time to talk to her? May be just take her for a drive. Just you and her. In the car just drive. Grab some maccas, some snacks and drive. We have found that in the car, where you are concentrating on driving and not looking at them directly, kids tend to open up and just talk. Take a few hours and just spend time away from everyone else in the family. You might be able to find some common ground, some insight of what's happening in her life.
So true, I have a rule, no electronics/phones in the car, because that's where the real convos happen, I cherish that time.
Yep, none of it's working.
Why was she stealing money if she had savings?
Why couldn't she use her phone or laptop to begin with, why is it locked up?
Why doesn't she have a door?
Why is she continually grounded?
Start again, give her some privacy back and her stuff. Except for paying her brother back, no other punishment is relevant and you're making her worse. What kind if life is she living? Every kid i knew that had a parent like you ended up miserable, running away, in foster care or cut contact with their parents as soon as they were adults. Teenagers behaviour is temporary, they will remember how they were treated when they are older. You are supposed to be the mature one.
As a teenager, I was ALWAYS in trouble for some reason or another. I was in this constant state of groundings or loss of privileges. Can’t even remember why now! I think it started quite similarly to your situation, one incident that ended up having every single minor indiscretion tacked on.
Eventually I stopped giving a shit, I was already being treated like a bad kid, might as well be a bad kid. So I fully rebelled. I stopped going to school, started hanging around with the wrong crowd, began drinking, smoking, moved in with my boyfriend at 16.
I quite often wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I’d had real parental guidance as a teenager and the grace to make and work through my mistakes.
You need to stop. Reassess your approach and reconnect with her! Work on trust building, delve into what’s driving her choices because every behaviour is communication and keep in mind that consequences need to be relative to the action. In this situation, repaying the money, an apology and a discussion about her wrongdoing was probably sufficient.
I came here to write this same thing. When I had no guidance, non judgemental support and just negativity, I stopped caring & just did what I wanted. I also often think where I could have gone had I had the connection and guidance I needed.
I had no idea which way to go so just went the route that hurt my parents the most. Which, obviously, hurt me the most & I had horrific experiences.
Build the relationship & stop reacting negatively to her actions. It's hard, but how I wish my parents had bothered!
You daughter’s life sounds miserable. I’m not surprised she’s snuck a phone in. Her life sounds absolutely boring.
No tv, no going out, no friends over, no dessert, no privacy, bed straight after dinner, no Easter gift? I feel bad for her.
Sounds like she’s in a permanent state of punishment… even when she’s making better choices you don’t remove the punishment and then she does something again and the punishment gets worse?
Your teenager will be an adult soon and be able to make her own decisions.
Cut the punishment. Speak to her like an actual human being, find out what’s going on in her life. Make the punishment fit the crime and don’t drag it out. Because if you don’t take the punishment away, she never has any motivation to be ‘good’ again, she will just see herself as ‘bad’ and act like the naughty kid you say she is.
She’s 14 so she’s going to make mistakes. Support her instead of continuously grounding her. I think you need to change your strategy. Put her into counselling and do a mother daughter retreat. Then spend the time you need each week putting in the time to keep the bond strong.
She’s 14 so she’s going to make mistakes. Support her instead of continuously grounding her. I think you need to change your strategy. Put her into counselling and do a mother daughter retreat. Then spend the time you need each week putting in the time to keep the bond strong.