Hey sisterhood,
A few months ago I came to the conclusion that I have a really unhealthy relationship with alcohol and I have for about 20 years
Over the years it has increased and up until a week ago I was drinking at least 2 bottles of wine every night, until I kept a drinks diary and I was having between 17 and 25 standard drinks PER DAY!!!! Holy shit...
My partner is also a big drinker but not once have I asked him to stop this is my journey, and I was sick of us getting pissed and ending up in a fight that we can't remember what it's about.
So I'm doing this for me to be a better Mum for our 4 kids and my own personal health and mental health goals.
So I joined a fantastic home based detox clinic, were I meet with clinicians each day while I do my clinical detox then weekly going forward attend meetings etc.
During the consultation process I had to select a support person to be with me while I detox obviously I would be a zombie and unable to drive and sleep most of the day for 5 days obviously I chose my partner and this was explained to him... He was really supportive.
During the detox I was pretty knocked out not but not so much.... I still couldn't cook dinner and tend to the kids I was just really tired so was in bed bed by 8pm most nights.
Come day 6 and I'd actually finished the detox medication but holy heck I felt like I'd been hit by a bus.
By this time my partner completey lost his shit with me I could feel it brewing for a few days... He said "How much fucking longer do I have to put up with this for" "is this how your going to be now" I fucking hope not because I can't stand you at the moment "
Holy shit this has absolutely broke my heart.
I reached out and asked for help and it's been thrown in my face we have kids together but I think with out having drinks we have absolutely nothing in common.
He works away so cracks his first beer at 1130am when he is home then drinks half bottle of vodka each evening falls asleep on the couch and comes to bed at 2am... I don't want this to be our life.
And to top it off he asked me while I was detoxing to go to the bottle store for him to get him more vodka. I can't help but think he wants me to fail or he just doesn't get it???
I'm just about to get in the shower and have a good cry. He went back to work today and he said I've completed change into a different person..... Well of course because I was heavily medicated.... It will have a few weeks to get back to normal I'm sure. Please let me reiterate I have never once asked him to stop drinking or even mentioned it to him
Also please do tell me to just leave I refused to let alcohol ruin my family
🩷
4 Replies
You're amazing and brave to do this. One foot in front of the other, don't give what he says a second thought, don't think about your relationship or future with him. Concentrate on getting sober, you're experiencing the worst part, but when you get through this, your life will be soooo much better and so will your kids. When you're happy and sober, you will have a clear mind to make decisions about your future. Good luck, keep going, so proud of you. Oh and btw, can you find another support person, like a sibling, mum, bff,?
You are doing amazing to realise you have a problem and to reach out and get help. That’s the first step and you’ve passed it. Congratulations mum!!!!
Your partner doesn’t sound supportive. Which is disappointing but as you know everyone has there own journey and He’s not at the quitting stage yet. But he shouldn’t be actively sabotaging you!
If you haven’t already please join the Facebook group ‘The Women’s Wellbeing Collective’ run by Sarah Rusbatch. It’s an amazing Australia wide community supporting women to overcome their alcohol addiction and has a lot of very useful advice and ideas for different situations.
You’ve got this and you CAN do this with the right support
He is sadly still an alcoholic and heavily dependent on it. Although, there is no pressure from you, he is probably a little scared of feeling pressure to let go of that crutch and how it will change your relationship. Some people are ready, others are not.
Just keep travelling your amazing journey and give everyone time to process and find a new normal. This does not have to be the end of your relationship but things will inevitably change <3
Hi,
F##k you’re brave. It’s scary to even acknowledge you have a drinking problem let alone put it in to words. You’re not just facing the demon, you’re facing the fear of ‘how do I get through life without it?’. Damn, I know that one.
The feeling of ‘I just want to get the F home so I can have a drink in peace’, ‘Shut the F up and just leave me enjoy the 5 minutes of downtime I have a day and drink’ and ‘I hope he just leaves me alone so I can drink the way I want to without him looking’ style stuff.
I had alcoholism. It was so awful. I drank and drank and drank. I gained 40kg, had rosacea, my boobs went from a B cup to F (alcohol messes with estrogen), had to be on steroids to breathe every winter, and my teeth were all chipped away. I’ve been sober 10 months. Lost 30kg, had my teeth fixed, found some hormone stuff to help with my boobs and I can now do 1 hour cardio workouts.
My mental health was in the drain. I’d frequent doctors, urgent mental health care centre and hospitals. I’d call mental health lines, and see counsellors. Literally nothing worked. Not one single thing. Because no matter how much support and skills they poured in to me, I’d still pour in more alcohol. If messed with my brain chemistry. I was stirring a depressant substance in with depression.
My intellect was disappearing. I nearly lost my job, I was making mistakes daily, was messy, irritable and my colleagues hated me. My clients would constantly complain. I struggled to climb the stairs to the building, couldn’t function without coffee, was constantly scared I’d lose my licence driving over the limit to work the next morning, knew I couldn’t go to work functions because I’d embarrass myself (by that point I already had), and I smelled like alcohol - not a great professional look. I’m now rebuilding relationships with colleagues, I ended up being honest with my boss about my struggles - and they opened up about their previous struggles too - i got so much support, I’m getting great reviews and clients no longer complain. I have more energy, patience and clarity. One of the weird things about alcoholism is you don’t actually realise how foggy you are from the alcohol until you get clarity. Google it, seriously - we don’t know we are thinking unclearly or behaving in weird ways, I think it’s because of the slow decline - you lose a sense of self awareness.
My shame with parenting was awful. My teenager witnessed what I was doing. My school aged child said that I broke wine glasses and that I smelled like wine. I knew I was a terrible example, didn’t want them to remember me like that, felt bad that i was drinking instead of parenting, judged myself against non drinking mums etc. It was a massive shame spiral. Now I’m sober - I share my sobriety calculator with my teen, she said she’s proud of me, I no longer have a need for wine glasses, I no longer vomit on the carpet to the point of having to replace the floor, I don’t have to try and hide what I’m drinking from my kids, no more wine bottles everywhere or the tinkle of them as they go in the bin etc
I had no friends left, I had embarrassed them and/or was unable to relate because I was impatient to get home to drink etc. My famiky was around, but they didn’t know the extent of my drinking. I was isolated and angry. A great mix with a bottle of vodka.
Life was at a stand still, stagnant or even flowing backwards. Every day was a struggle and a battle, it was awful. The call of the drink - it’ll temporarily make all of the above go away, and I’ll deal with the consequences later, I just need a fucking minute of peace drinking.
You are not alone babe. There is no shame in this. This is a disease, not a moral, ethical or willpower failing. You have a right to help. You have a right to care for yourself enough to get it. You’re allowed to recover, and you’re allowed to pour self love in to yourself.
It won’t be easy, at the risk of sounding cliche - it’ll be worth it.
I went to AA every single day after work for around 5 months. It had its good parts and bad parts. The good was being surrounded by people who ‘get it’, having a community of support, realising that you’re not the only one (surprised that it’s not people acting feral drinking from goon bags there), and the consistency and structure of the program. The bad bits were saying you’re powerless over alcohol (recognise that’s different to saying you’re powerless as a person), don’t ever let them allow you to blame yourself for every problem you’ve ever had, and sometimes it’s sick people walking around trying to help other sick people - but it does more damage. If you go, stay with the healers, the lovers and the ones who are there to pass it on. Don’t spend time with others in early sobriety, because it can seriously reinforce your own behaviours. Also don’t let them take advantage of you through service - giving lifts etc all the time/donating money bla bla. Do small service whrrr you can without it impacting other areas of your life.
If AA isn’t your thing there is also Reframe app. It’s really cool and based on neuroscience. Evidence based stuff does it for me.
You can also look at learning some new psychological tools, and making yourself a ‘sobriety toolkit’. Whenever I felt like a drink I had a whole package of stuff. A sobriety playlist (Jelly Roll songs, Bradley Cooper ‘The old ways’, Bradley Gilbert ‘Just as I am’, what you gonna do - Hinder), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy tools (The Dime Game, Thermometer) etc, Gratitude journal, writing down the challenging opposing thought to the ones that make you want to drink, self care (doesn’t have ti be stereotypical, but for me it was 10 min walking yoga videos, chatting over the phone with prison penpals (i didn’t know I was lonely, but i also didn’t have energy to go out), meditation, baths (someone told me just like a warm hug) small luxuries during the day like using a facial spritz and reapplying lip gloss, rituals - like lighting a candle and writing down quotes ij a journal from pinterest, and also using a life tracker tool - I use the app Life Cycle. It has an inbuilt GPs that shows how much time you spent in certain places, how much sleep uoh got etc, but you can also log how much time you spent on therapy, self care etc - means you can get a overview of the structure you’ll need. I also read article after article online on people who have recovered, as well as looked at before and after photos of others for motivation.
Decide what your motivations to get sober are - mine were as above, but also very looks oriented because I hated seeing myself in the mirror. Use those to read the articles of success.
Also decide what you can drink instead of alcohol. For me, it’s the Naked Life Gin and Tonic non alcoholic, I get from Woolies and mix with.frozen berries or pomegranate seeds etc. It still feels like a relaxation ritual, but it doesn’t feed my addiction.
Tell your GP - be honest with them. There’s medications - some work on reducing the cravings. It’s not all old school meds that make you vom if you drink. Plus, your GP can help you with referrals to address any underlying psych issues why you drink. Most people are also eligible for free psychiatric assessment once a year - it goes for around 3 hours, and will give you and your doctors fb psychologist a really solid overview of your psychological health and how you got there, and a plan forward. Also, get your body checked out - alcohol messes with so many systems - You’re likely to need a liver check (I had regular blood tests and ultrasound). Hormones might be out of whack. I had heart palpitations- they stopped when I stopped drinking, funny that. Swollen tongue went back down to size, slowly getting on top of gut issues. A full work up is important. As you have a chronic health condition, alcoholism, you get 5 free allied health sessions a year, I used mine on physiotherapy when I was sick for a few weeks after stopping drinking. Again, I was honest with the physio and they were really supportive and gave me extra time and just remedial massage. Also get your teeth checked out, alcohol has a massive impact on them - and can have flow on effects on your health.
Financially - work out , systematically through your banking receipts how much money you’ve spent on alcohol each month for the last year. When you stop drinking, take this money each month and put it in a term deposit. The money is serving you, rather than you being a slave to alcohol.
Give yourself small targets. If I can get through today without drinking I will ….. (order uber eats, buy that new candle, have a bath etc), and celebrate the milestones. One month, 3 months, 6 months etc. In AA they give you sobriety chips, but you can do that with anything - like buy yourself a pretty crystal to represent each milestone etc.
Anyway, i hope some of this helps. I’m passionate about women recovering and finding themselves again, and it is possible for anyone - you’re not the special snowflake who can’t recover it, your situation is not so unique that you’re doomed forever etc there is always a way out and a way up. Always.
If you ever need anything - compassionpolitics87@gmail.com
Love always