Iv had belly problems on and off this week. I have IBS. IV been in alot of pain and quite sick. I was up for hours last night contemplating calling an ambulance over trapped air. It was so bad I was throwing up. I get trapped air alot. DP come out in the middle of the night. Asked why I was curled on on the floor moaning. I told him why and he went back to bed. That was at 2am. At 7, I finally made my way to bed after several showers, pacing and throwing up. The pain finally settled. I got no "how are you feeling" just, "I would have slept better If some one wasn't pacing around all night making noise."
I drove the kids to school at 830. I was exhausted, my chest hurt, my gut hurt, massive head ache. So I went back to bed once I got home. I have no idea what time DP got home from work, but he'd mowed the entire lawn. He went and picked up the kids from school. In that time, he never once checked on me, asked if I needed anything. I got up at 4, to passive aggressive comments about getting up after he'd done everything. Still no concern about being unwell.
He does this alot. When I'm unwell. It's ignored. When he's unwell I make sure he's got everything he needs. Now I'm awake, about to go lose my intestine in the loo befor I go to town to get things for dinner, still nothing.
8 Replies
If this is common it just becomes normal. Chronic illness that people deal with all the time does get a different response to when someone is acutely ill like a bad flu or something. Also, the wording "I'm about to go lose my intestine in the loo" is dramatic. I wonder whether he feels like you exaggerate for effect and he doesn't want to encourage you?
He sees this show all the time. He knows you'll get over it, and you do. It becomes normal to him. If you want help or sympathy, why don't you ask him for it.
What medications do you take when you feel like this? Have you been given treatment options by the doctors?
He sounds burnt out, he's always picking up the slack and whilst you're up all night and can sleep all day, he has to go to work. Are you on a low fodmap diet? Do you try to better your situation? If he has to get up in the morning, why don't you pace somewhere else and let him sleep? If he is a manual worker or tradie, it's dangerous to not get sleep and use power tools etc. If it's an ongoing thing, maybe consider hiring a domestic helper to take the pressure off your husband?
I feel for you as I’m in a similar position with chronic illness. It’s true, the response is different if it’s a regular thing than something acute. But it doesn’t make it any less hard!
It is also hard when people tell you he’s this way because you are sick. Everyone has something they’re dealing with and it’s not your fault that yours is chronic illness. I do have a carer and domestic help with cooking, cleaning and shopping. All my partner has to do is finish the dishes and take the rubbish out and add his clothes to washing load and people still say he is burdened. If he didn’t have a partner with NDIS help then it would all have to be done by both of us without help.
It is also so hard to take when you are criticised when in high pain and symptoms, I hear you on that. And sometimes you just want some empathy or validation. I have joined chronic illness community for this.
Perhaps he is suffering from compassion fatigue. It's a real thing. Have you looked into what you can do to help with your flare ups? I feel your pain as I also have food intolerances and get flare ups. Buscopan forte has helped with the terrible cramps I get.
Sheesh what is wrong with people on here? It’s not compassion fatigue it’s being an asshole. The only thing you’re doing wrong is putting up with it. Make a plan and get out of there before your kids start copying his behaviour. Your health will probably improve as well. Ask him to do couples counselling through relationships Australia. If he refuses you have your definitive answer that he’s a selfish bastard. You are worthy of love and care, especially when you are sick but only you can change this. He won’t change so stop expecting him to. No excuses - just do one thing at a time and take back your life
I’m not sure about these other posters, but I genuinely think this isn’t a healthy response to your suffering. I have IBS too and it’s bloody debilitating. The pain is excruciating and comes on with no warning. And yes I’ve also given birth, and can say some of those pains are comparable, except they are chronic and don’t end! It’s not your fault, this should not be something he’s angry at you about. I’m sure you wish more than anything that you didn’t feel unwell!
I have a similar situation at home, I’ve experienced it from my own partner, it hurts awfully when you’re crying and someone walks in angry that they heard you crying. Someone who is supposed to love you.
All I can say is you deserve love and a hug when you’re in pain. If there’s nobody around to give it to me, I show myself love. I talk to myself and remind myself that I’m doing the best I can with the cards I’ve been dealt ❤️ I hope you find relief soon, always remember you can only control what you can control.