I consider myself a good driver. Iv held my licence for 2 decades. Iv never lost my licence, gotten a fine. Any accidents Iv been in were not my fault. I'm a confident and competent driver...... until my partner is in the passenger seat. All of a sudden all common sence goes out the window. I can't drive strate, maintain speed. My ability to park us that of a L plater full of anxiety. He gets me so flustered with his back seat driving and not picking that I cant think and make mistakes that I'm ashamed of. But if I hand him they keys to drive, he refuses. I don't know what to do about it.
25 Replies
Tell him when he gets in the car that he can only come with you driving if he keeps his mouth shut.
It's really common & the only way to stop it is to tell the person how their behaviour affects your confidence and safety driving. If they continue them refuse to drive with them as a passenger.
And if you can't do that, ignore him or tell him he either drives or is quiet (every time) & remember you don't have to take his comments on board!
It says a lot about your whole relationship when his mere presence makes you act like you're incapable and not good enough. This goes beyond your driving and how he must treat you all the time. You're better than how he makes you feel, your driving is small proof of that. Don't just kick him out of your car, kick him out of your life.
Nah. I have an awesome marriage. But a few years ago I said if hubby ever gave me another 'helpful' hint if I was driving I'd never drive with him in the car again lol. I could have easily written this post.
OP.. your man just needs to have an actual conversation when you drive and not backseat drive. His anxiety is probably rubbing off on you
There's a big difference between just being annoying and making you feel completely inadequate that you feel so anxious you can't drive after 20 years of experience. That shows a power imbalance and that the OP is very submissive around him and why? Because she is scared of him. I have also been driving for 20 years and I have a partner who likes to tell me how to drive but I never forget how to drive, my confidence doesn't fall. He doesn't get angry with me or humiliate me. He doesn't demean me with his tone, language or body language he's just annoying. Big difference.
Exactly, very big difference.
My husband makes me a bad driver too. He's not a bad person. He just gets anxious when he's the passenger and it ends up making me like that too. Now he drives or we uber. I drive with everyone except him
Weird! Have you been in a car accident or something? Are you a crazy driver? Is he like this with the uber considering many of them are young and haven't been driving all that long? So strange that he can trust a complete stranger and himself but not you?
I was thinking the same, imagine your spouse having more trust/respect for an uber driver than you. I don't know, love isn't enough for me, I like a partner to respect me and my abilities. Does he trust you to drive the kids around? No one could handle driving with my Nana, she was shocking, my mum needed two valium if she had to drive with her. My parents didn't let us kids drive with her.
Actually we've had some terrible uber drivers lol. The issue is that he drives about 6 hours a day, so shifting to being the passenger feels really disconcerting for him because suddenly he's not in control. If he's in the passenger seat, he's focusing on the fact that he would change lanes now. Why haven't I yet? Have I forgotten that we need to turn in 3km? He can't be a passenger.
When we take an Uber he sits in the back with the kids or will be turning around to talk to me if I'm in the back. So he's not watching the road and not driving in his head.
So the answer is yes, when you take out all the fluff, he trusts an uber over you.
Either you're a troll or I'm not explaining the situation clearly. But no, it's not a trust thing.
How else do you explain it then? Why does he rather go in an uber with someone he doesn't know in control of the car with his whole family in it? Why does he spend money to do that rather than drive with you? It definitely seems like a trust thing unless you have some serious issues with your driving.
Are you unhappy and trying to convince yourself that everyone else is to? Or do you lack the ability to realise that things aren't always black and white and you can be wrong?
Soooo you can't explain it?
You're right! How silly of me. The problem isn't that he finds being a passenger hard and that with an uber driver I can keep him distracted. It's actually all about me and that I'm a victim. I can't believe I didn't realise that HIS anxiety isn't all about ME. Thankyou so much!
Imagine if I'd gone through the rest of my life thinking that nobody is perfect and anxiety isn't always logical. Thankfully, now I know better because a stranger on the internet opened my eyes.
He probably doesn't trust the Uber driver. But doesn't have the option to be a back seat driver as the Uber is a stranger & someone who doesn't have to put up with it.
I mean, MIL was a terrible passenger. She'd hiss through her teeth in fear, make ohhhh sounds, physically 'push' her invisible brake pedal and her back into the seat. She even screeched at FIL about stopping for lights 100m away. She once pulled the handbrake on while DH was driving because she thought he wasn't slowing down quickly enough! Luckily he was almost stopped! By contrast, she wouldn't have ever pulled that on me because we didn't have a close relationship & I wouldn't put up with it. She was a perfect, quiet passenger. Her anxiety was so bad that in the end she terrorised herself into stopping driving completely.
It's unacceptable, of course, and needs addressing, but it's more a reflection of the passenger's insecurities & control freakiness than anything the driver is doing.
I wrote the comment about the fluff and I am certainly not a troll, is that what people accuse you of if they don't agree with your comment these days? Fact, your partner would rather pay someone than drive with you, however you want to parcel it and whatever his reasons are. I'm not sure how my happiness has any bearing on the above fact, but I find people with no defence throw in a red herring to deflect from the situation. Stick to the issue, play the ball, not the man.
Oh and no one said you're a victim, don't use extremes, that won't work either, we simply observed that your partner doesn't trust/respect your driving. He could choose to sit in the back with kids and distract himself with you too, but he chooses not to.
I also find two negatives in one sentence confusing. You used caps, so it was supposed to be hard hitting, maybe revise that part.
None of that makes sense at all.
Husband has severe anxiety about being a passenger to the point of not getting in the car with you (someone he knows very well and you're aware of his anxiety so probably drive accordingly) but will happily be a passenger in an uber and can easily be distracted by conversation and kids and he does not know the uber driver who probably drives like a bat out of hell.
My grandpa is a horrible passenger and makes grandma nervous if she's driving. He was a limo driver and can't 'switch off'. When he had eye surgery a few years back, grandma had my siblings and I pick him up if he needed to go anywhere because he would be so interested in finding out what was going on in our lives and with our kids that he would be too distracted to backseat drive. It made us all laugh because in reality, grandma was the better driver! It wasn't about that though.
Oh what an interesting story from some random person, do you have anymore lol
As transparent as glass.
I'm confused? What's wrong with my comment?
Honestly if your grandpa is elderly he is most likely from the era where women didn't drive and when it started becoming more common, they weren't capable. That's where all the sayings and jokes come from about female drivers.
Be honest and tell him you hate the criticism when you’re driving.
If he keeps doing it then - say to him for every critical comment he makes when you’re driving, he will have a 1 week penalty of no sex.
(Or no cooking whatever works 😁)
Things will change pretty quick 🙂