Does anyone have any experience or knowledge of their partners having experimented with a man In the past?
I’ve been in a 4 year relationship (but we’re friends with benefits for 10 years prior, which makes it even more confusing). I was in love with him for many years (as was he) but we never had the courage to discuss being together and now suddenly it’s been 4 years. Everyone in our lives knew we’d end up together and were meant to be. He's so supportive, strong, kind, caring, thoughtful, supportive and everything I’ve ever wanted and needed in a man. We have everything In Common, i adore his family, I can take him anywhere he will get along with anyone, he cooks, he cleans, he has an very successful business, financially stable, fit with lots of his own hobbies, he supported me through a major trauma, is awesome with my teenager - everything is awesome BUT I’ve just found out he enjoys anal sex and has experimented with men in the past. It came about as I found a hotel key card and he had taken himself for some solo time to enjoy anal play. I do believe this to be the case and no one else was there but I am struggling to come to terms with him having received anal sex from men. He absolutely swears he’s not attracted to men and there is no kissing, touching, cuddling and if was a 15 min encounter the few times he has met up with a man prior to our relationship and he’s NO interest or attraction to men or being in a relationship with one, he says it’s a dick thing only and the pleasure of anal (which I know a lot of straight men find pleasure in). I do believe that he is in love with me and wants to continue the relationship. I’ve never seen a more broken man cry like this before and I know he’s hurting at having hurt me.
Hes never told anyone and whilst im proud he told me, im so confused. Hes held this secret for over 20 years and I just wish he’d told me on his own accord years ago rather than me finding out the way I did.
Its opened the flood gates to him instantly being way more open about his feelings towards me (something he had also struggled to do) Immediately he has booked in couples counseling and his own psychologist to work through it Feeling very confused and unsure what to think. I also have my own psychologist I will discuss this with.
Part of me is disgusted and I’m ashamed to admit it. I am scared I won’t feel the same about him and I’m shattered that this has even happened and but a bombshell into our relationship.
Any advise welcome ❤️
42 Replies
Considering he said he is not attracted to men, it's more likely about how good it feels. It's okay. Just breathe. This is about learning openness and acceptance. There is not anything dirty or disgusting about it. We have just been taught to view these things this way. Lots of couples get anal toys and experiment. It's really about how comfortable you feel with it.
I would recommend both seeing a sex therapist to totally allow him to realise it is not something he needs to feel ashamed of and to make sure he practices safely. If you can get to a place of acceptance, without feeling the need to hide it any longer e.g. doing it in the privacy of his own home rather than getting a room. This is all about the way you both think about it. It is just like you having a vibrator, it is just more accepted for women. It's actually rather sad that he has had to live with this shame for so long.
Even if there was some question re being bi-sexual, he can still be this and be totally faithful, committed and completely in love with you.
<3
Vibrators are for masturbating, it is very different to sleeping with other people? If me or my partner wanted something that the other doesn't do in the bedroom does that mean its ok to regularly meet with someone that does do it? Or would that be cheating? Or is it only cheating if its the opposite sex?
Agree, no comparison, a vibrator isn't a person.
She said he did this in the past, not currently. I assumed this is pre their relationship and he is possibly bi, which means he could still be in a committed relationship with a woman. If not pre relationship, that's different... my comparison was in relation to anal toys and vibrators, not other people
Yes I think OP needs to clarify whether it happened during their relationship or not. Sorry I thought you were talking about his hotel encounters!
No not at all. I would not be okay with my partner sleeping with other men. If he's doing this run! and run fast!
Sounds as though he's in denial. He can have anal play with females if he was attracted to females but likes anal play. He is choosing to have sex with men because he's sexually attracted to men. He may be bi. Also to add, this to me is cheating. If you need to go outside the relationship for sex then its cheating, it doesn't get ignored because its the same sex.
You've been sleeping together for ten years and he never disclosed this info. He's as shady af. I also don't believe for one second he was sleeping with you for ten years and was scared in all that time to tell you he has feelings. I can't believe you would believe thst. He never had feelings, probably still doesn't, you're his beard. Straight men who are desperate might take a blow job from a gay man, but only a man, totally attracted to men, would take it to from behind. Ask any straight man this. He's crying because he's scared you'll out him, which is sad in this day and age. I would be ending it right now.
Also fwbs for ten yrs with a guy you have feelings for and not saying anything, that's extreme. What a waste of your life and especially with the new info, if you walk away.
I would also be getting tested for stds asap. When you were fwb, didnt you agree to disclose if you were sleeping with others? I don't mind a FWB, but not if their regularly fucking strangers in hotel rooms, way too risky.
Definitely didn’t disclose being with others, FWB usually don’t. I too was dating and sleeping with others and didn’t disclose. I didn’t ask nor want to know for the majority of the time until I caught feelings.
I dated plenty of other people in that time, I lived my life, I traveled, partied, and I didn’t let it hold me back and wasn’t sitting around waiting for him. I certainly didn’t have feeling for 10 years. Only in the last few years did we start to see each other differently and FWB nearly weekly in the lead up to being a couple.
I don’t expect anyone to understand the years prior to being together as even one closets friends didn’t understand why we weren’t together having seen us together
Oh okay, that makes sense. He was like your inbetween relationships, fall back guy. Sorry, thought you were just seeing and waiting on him but it wasn't constant "just him" for ten years. Well I guess he didn't really have to disclose then, as you weren't either. If he's that important to you, I'm sure you'll find a way to get past it. I don't know, the hiring a hotel room, I would be sceptical, does he live with others?
I also wouldn't rely on the whole, everyone thinks we should be together. You've mentioned it a few times, but really, those ppl only know the public him, even you didn't know a pretty big thing about him. Outsiders don't know what's in ppls hearts. Didn't you ever wonder over the years why he didn't pursue you, if everyone thought you were so good together?Has he had any long-term relationships with women, how did they end? Does he have kids?
We live together. Hence not being able to do it at home as I WFH.
I remember there was s lady on here once who was out with the kids for the day and came home to a cucumber in the bathroom, her husband was mortified. That's the kind of thing you would expect if he's into women but likes anal play. Also, meeting randoms in hotel rooms is a whole kind of lifestyle, he has to trawl seedy websites, anonymously message and get his freak on with complete strangers. Have a look at Craig's list personals to see how this dark side works, it's eye opening. The truth is he has been leading a double life and I think you have only seen the tip of the ice berg. He's also def bi at the very least, very conflicted and in denial. He's a bit messed up, I think it would have been better if he said he was bi, at least he had come to terms with what he is and has intentionally made a decision to be with you from a place of acceptance and self awareness. I have a feeling even if you engage in the anal play, it won't be enough, but only time will tell.
You said he had gone for solo anal play in a hotel room and you believe no one else was there.. then said It’s often a 15 minute encounter, no kissing, hugging etc… so are you saying he is meeting men for anal sex in hotel rooms ? I’m confused
Edited. Wrong choice of wording.
The times he has met men, prior to me, was 15 min encounters.
The hotel room, was a one off and had he of been open with me about his desire, He could do that at home. I don’t love that he loves anal but you can’t help what feels right. 😏 it all comes down to communication.
How did he have solo anal play? I wouldn’t buy that.. 100% he has met with a man when he’s been in that hotel, otherwise he’d just do it at home when your not there..
I WFH and have a teenager. No chance to do it at home without arrangements in place that myself or daughter don’t come home. There are toys for this.
Do you really buy that he went to a hotel for a wank? He could have locked himself in the bathroom, waited for you to sleep, sat in the shed?
It wasn’t a wank, it was anal play with toys. We live in a unit, no shed. Not sure the ins and outs of toy anal play but unsure a bathroom is the best spot. I don’t know. Still working it all out in my head. I don’t think in my heart he has cheated however.
Have you asked to see the toy? I would have asked immediately, not give him time to go buy one. How is your sex life?
So I'm not really familiar with how it works then. Do men not need to do anything to their penis when receiving anal to be able to orgasm? I thought it was just extra enjoyment, I didn't know they can orgasm through anal only? Someone help me out here lol.
People generally masturbate in the shower or when everyone's asleep, toy or no toy. No one books a hotel room to do it, ask a teenage boy who lives with his family how it works, or a single mum with 100 percent care of kids (that's me lol). Husbands do it all the time if they aren't getting enough, it's a part of life, you work around your circumstances. The only people who book hotel rooms are cheaters.
Does it matter what makes him cum, it's a man, outside your relationship, that's all that matters.
I think that there are a few things here. Some men love anal, just like some women do. Its about being open and honest. For some people, it feel amazing when its done right. And this is the case for my husband and I. Been together for 15years and we have always been honest with what we both enjoy. He likes it when I play with his ass as much as I enjoy it. But the key here? Honest and open. I cannot imagine either of us hiding stuff like this from each other.
What I have a problem with your situation, is the secrecy about it all. I'm sorry but I actually do not buy the whole thing about being in a hotel alone for anal play. To me, completely undermines trust in this relationship. Not that he enjoys anal, but that he's hiding it behind your back and minimising what he actually did - and to me it screams that he had someone or multiple of someones, there with him.
I would be going to get some STD tests happening ASAP and really re-evaluating how this relationship works.
100% agree. He’s always struggled opening up about anything and it’s been the ONE issue within this relationship that we can’t get to that deeper level. For example, I’ve always felt his love in everything that he does for me and his behavior, however, he’s only been able to say it has times. In a weird way, now that the floodgates are open, he’s been able to be open about so many more things.
STD check done for both and all clear.
It could also be a case of, after all these years he wanted to try and lead a "normal' life with you, settle down with a woman, with good intentions. However, it sounds like he's missing being with men and a "normal" life is not enough for him. Whether he cheated this time isn't really relevant, if this is his jam, it's only a matter of time. You can't sweep this under the rug, because you'll always have the worry of stds, who he's with, what he's doing and not feeling enough. Until he puts all his cards on the table, you can't move forward and find a solution. He's clinging to you and the crying is more a case of extremr fear, he's been carrying around this secret for a long time, plus you represent the "normal" part of him. If you leave him, he's forced to look at who he really is. As long as he's with you he can stay in denial. If you're honest with yourself, you probably noticed something amiss about him, I think you're a little in denial too, because you love him.
Also, although it's possible, I don't think it's likely that a guy sleeps with you on and off for ten years, is happy for you to go off with other men, doesn't care what you're doing, then suddenly develops feelings. I also don't think if he had feelings hidden, he would happily let you go pursue others because he's fearful to tell you how he feels. It really doesn't make sense. It sounds to me like he settled and that you've never really asked too many questions and he could see you had strong feelings for him, so you might not notice or overlook certain things.
He's cheating on you, and manipulating you to feel sorry for him about it.
I'm gonns say he's bisexual. He's not experimenting. He's out there, sleeping with man for pleasure while in a relationship.
Ditch him
I agree. It was the booking of a hotel and the waterworks when he got found out. GUILTY!
He is gay!!!!!!!! Sex toys fair….but we are talking about being with men. He is in denial.
Im sorry but he is bisexual. You dont have sex with males and say you aren’t attracted to them.
I also think he would still be doing this in your relationship. So many married men have sex with males, you just need to look on hook up site to see this.
I would be getting tested for STD
He is bisexual. There is nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to 2 genders. He is in denial. Just because he says he isn't attracted doesn't mean he isn't.
I would be concerned about the possibility of stis. He needs to be honest now about whether or not he was protected during his encounters. Both male and female.
You should t be disgusted, but you also can't help your feelings. He should have come to you and asked if you would participate I'm anal play. I hate it for myself but my partner asked for it so we tried....once and he didn't end up liking it. What I'm getting at here is he should have been able to come to you. He possibly has a fear of your reaction and I'm guessing your reaction wasn't what you would have liked it to be.
If the anal with other partners was prior to your relationship then it is like any other ex sexual partner. All you need to know there is that he like us all has a sexual past and as long as it was safe it shouldn't matter.
Hi OP
I found out 6 years ago my husband was meeting men. We had been together 14 years!! What I have learnt is that anal sex doesn’t make someone gay. It’s a huge pleasure zone for men. My husband is bisexual and not everybody understands that. He doesn’t want kissing or a relationship with a man but he does enjoy the sex. It has taken many conversations and lots of boundaries and trust building. What works for us doesn’t work for someone else. You both need to work out how this works for you. Honesty on his behalf and yours will determine if this will work out in the long run. It was scary and hard but has been rewarding and unexpectedly fun too.
It would not have been easy for either of you to have the recent discussion. I know I was hurting, doubtful angry and this just scraps the surface of my feelings.
You and him are the only ones who will be able to decide what works or if it doesn’t and that’s ok too. I really hope you see this and that it helps!!
Whatever happens you are strong and have got this 💪🏻
Yikes, look how far you have lowered your standards to keep a gay husband.
Anal sex with a MAN, if you're a man, does INDEED make you gay.
Anal play with a WOMAN does not make you gay.
Non-gay men who like the feeling ask their women to use strap ons, plugs etc.
How sad.
Back in the day, the wife at least pretended not to know.
*Spoiler alert* He doesn't want a relationship with a man because he doesn't want to come out, so f*cking in secret is all he can do.
That's really disgusting and homophobic of you to say. Having a bisexual husband doesn't mean they've lowered their standards.
Thank you for your response. It’s been so helpful and eye opening xx
She hasn't lowered her standards by having a bi husband, she's lowered her standards because she allows him to sleep with men (how is it different to sleeping with women?) and buys the not gay story and allows herself to be used as a cover, so no one suspects he's gay. All the years he sneaked behind her back, lied, probably exposed her to stds, how could you let a man like that ever touch you again? How can you trust a man that is capable of lying for that long on that scale? Okay, I'll forgive, even join in, just to keep him. Standards/self respect couldn't be any lower, denial couldn't be any higher. Bi sexual men who are good peoplr are capable of being faithful and honest, like any other man. This guy is a scum bag, whether bi or straight. Im not homophobic, I'm lying deceit a phobic. This woman is a doormat, her husband has zero respect for her and will keep pushing the boundaries, because she literally doesn't have any. What a sad way to live.
The op loves your comment, because she's as much in denial as you. Believes he booked a hotel room to play on his own. She's going to end up just like you, the old line, I'm not gay, even though I sleep with men and I don't want a relationship with a man, another coward too scared to come out. Your stories are literally the same, it's a tale as old as time. Youre both ostriches, good luck. Oh and gay men love hanging with women, they treat them very well, you will feel loved, in his eyes you're his unconditional best friend. If that's enough for you, go for it, but the real lust and desire is reserved for men.
It's pretty simple, bottom line, if he needs to fck men when he's in a relationship with you, which is in both your situations, he is not attracted enough sexually to you, you are not enough and never will be enough.
I couldn't help myself, just reread your post....he cooks, cleans, kind, caring, supportive, is everything I want in a man lol the best ones are always gay. When it's too good to be true, it usually is, when they're too perfect, darn it, there's always a catch.