Im feeling really lost and i guess i need some advice on what to do. Sorry its a long one.
My parter of 9years broke up with me nearly 1 month ago but we are still living together in the house we bought with our 2 young children. Friends and family dont know about the break up, ex-partner has said noone needs to know, we can keep living how we are and that its not weird unless we tell people. I thought its weird that everything stays the same EXCEPT should he feel like sleeping with someone else then I need to he fine with it. Doesnt sit right with me. I still be a stay at home “wife” without actually being a wife. Ill still look after the kids, cook and clean for him. He said that as long as he is paying for everything then thats what he wants.
I 100% rely on him financially as i am home with my youngest (1) 7 days and my oldest (3) goes to childcare 3 days a week. ( this is because I returned to work for a short period for mental health as phycologist recommended) currently not working again. (Guilted into quitting my dream job so i can work for him)
At times im made to feel like a shit mum and am told that he pays someone to look after our son 3 days a week.
We have a beautiful house and i drive a nice car, we dont have to ever “need” for anything and for that i truly am grateful. However he seems to think that because he works he doesn’t have to lift a finger at home, no house work, no child minding, no cooking etc. to a degree i guess i dont expect him to cook and clean i just get annoyed when he creates extra work for me when he gets home for example ; leaves dishes laying around, takes off clothes, shoes/socks in just about every room of the house. And doesnt entertain the kids so that i can clean up. I am sure some of you can understand the frustration of cleaning and having children mess it up right behind you.
By the end of the day my house looks like a tornado hit it even though it feels like i have been cleaning all day and i feel like that gets perceived as ive done nothing all day. Infact i know it does as when he is angry his true side comes out. He wanted me to be a stay at home mum but if i ever have any issues i bring up then he becomes quite nasty. He makes me feel really terrible about not working and that he pays for everything and then proceeds to mention other people and their financial struggles and that i am ungrateful etc. Basically i guess whenever i have an issue its discounted because “i dont work”. Hes also said to me many times “if you feel that way then thats on you”.
This man very much needs to feel important and liked/admired. He has openly admitted to being a narcissist during an argument once and stood there shrugging his shoulders and saying “yeh what” with absolutely no care at all when i stared at him in disbelief that he couldnt see an issue with it.
I feel like part of why he wants to continue to live as if we were a couple is so that there is no judgment from family.
He goes to work, comes home and goes to the gym/sauna i think 5-6 nights a week and hardly spends quality time with the kids. I am exhausted, i have no time for myself, i feel lost, i dont even know who i am or dont really have any interests anymore.
This post has come from a small argument this morning. I had gone into the ensuite to get ready so i could go to the shop and get milk (for him). I see him on the toilet just sitting there watching videos on his phone and this annoyed me so i said something because just 5 mins prior i was trying to go to the toilet myself except i had my youngest crying at my feet trying to play with the toilet brush and if i closed the toilet door she was just screaming. He began again to mention the whole financial thing and made it clear again that we arent together.
To add to this he is on his phone ALOT. Yea he runs a business but he is addicted to his phone to the point he scrolls instrgram while driving or stopping at lights. If i ever bring up for him to stop using his phone while driving as we have kids in the car it usually end up with me in tears from being spoken to like trash as it usually will get turned around on me.
I am not perfect, i struggle with communication with him although i feel partly because of the fact this man doesn’t talk to you, he talks AT you and somehow finds a way to paint himself in a picture as never being a “bad guy”.
I have been going through the different stages of grief since the breakup sometimes more than once and after this morning im feeling fed up.
How do i go about organising Centrelink single parent even though we live in the same house?
I will need to return to work which means i need to renew my nursing registration and i dont want to spend money of “his” so that it cant be used against me anymore.
I dont think it’ll work us living together and will become toxic quite quickly so how do i even manage that with the kids?
I also want to sell the car and get something that i will be able to afford to maintain and he keeps the extra money from the sale. The car isnt registered or insured in my name so basically on paper its not mine.
I am super confused and feel trapped like i have no option but to do what he wants and Continue living how we are but being secretly broken up. It is really confusing as we have also had sex a couple of time during this breakup which made me think oh we arent actually broken up. But then this morning he reiterated that we are.
Where do i go from here?
25 Replies
So, he wants a wife/maid without the hassle
Of contributing ?! No. Remove yourself immediately. He is treating you as a slave!!
Get a job, move house and start telling
People, this is pure financial abuse and it’s not okay.
Can you please explain to me what financial abuse is? I have mentioned it to him years ago after reading about it and he said that is not and pretty well that i am ungrateful and have no idea. He does give me cash when he has it, and leave some money in my bank each pay day.
If you’re reliant on him, and he has financial power over you - then that’s abuse.
If you don’t get to help dictate financial decisions in your relationship and you have no access to your own money and he controls all money into the relationship, then that’s abuse.
Why would you ask him what it is? You NEED to be speaking to people outside of him. You MUST. And don’t tell him everything you’re thinking about right now - you’re broken up!
You use his money for everything else, so use it for the most important thing, your nursing registration, then see a solicitor and get a job. Get some dignity and stop sleeping with him,move into the spare room if you have one. He has zero respect for you and sees you as a door mat, stop acting like one. Tell your friends and family that you are getting divorced, lean on them for suppory. If you are struggling now with children/ house, it will be harder on your own and working, but I honestly believe when you become a single, you really toughen up,you'll be surprised what you can handle without the weight of his disrespect hanging over you.
It’ll be harder for HIM - that’s why he wants her right there still doing everything. Wait til he has the kids and she has free time in her clean, quiet home. Bet she doesn’t get that right now.
He will likely have them every second weekend, if she's lucky, that's 2 nights in 14 where he doesn't just have to worry about himself. Speaking from experience, she will have to bring home the bacon, cook the bacon, plus take care of house, inside and outside (yard work), juggle sick kids, school holidays with annual leave, car maintenance, house repairs, all on a tight budget. As he is self employed he'll probably do everything in his power to dodge child support but she should get a good settlement, based on their lifestyle, which will give her a great start. I don't think people fully comprehend what's involved in being a single mum unless they've done it. But like all of us, I'm sure she'll rise to the occasion. No point telling her everything will be easy when she leaves him, better to be prepared and realistic.
His life will become much easier and he will likely have time to repartner quickly, they can never be alone for long, it's how it always goes with these types.
No! You tell people; you get your support in place and you lean on them to find your way out of this situation. He wants his cake and eat it too.
You could sell the house and buy a townhouse. But you NEED to have a split date, and get the ball rolling or else he will pull the rug out from under your feet and youll lose everything and feel stuck with him (you almost already do). It seems huge, but get legal advice and het split from him asap. Tell people - do not let him make you a victim in this - take your own steps now.
Please call 1800 Respect and they can give you advice on how to leave this relationship in a safe way. He is toxic and abusive.
Go into Centrelink and explain the situation and find out your entitlements. Get your Centrelink entitlements put into a bank account he can’t access.
You would potentially be entitled to a single parent payment, family tax benefit, child care subsidy and child support. Maybe even a crisis payment to help you leave.
Start sleeping in the spare room for now and look to moving in with family as soon as you can.
Please tell your family what is going on. You need their support. He gets away with it by keeping you silent.
You can do this! Do it for yourself and your babies 💕
Thankyou so much for your comment. I have started taking action as of today. I will give them a call but i need to wait for him to not be around first.
My family now know as of today. His family does not and he doesnt wish to tell them, honestly its because they know what he is like and he cant fool them
Link up with a social worker from Centrelink and have a chat about what is going on. He is verbally abusive and possibly financially abusive as well. Do you have access to money if needed? Discuss if separated under the same roof is possible until you can find somewhere else. Speak to social worker. I did this and it was kept a secret from ex so I could get out safely.
He has worn you down. Remember the woman you were before him. Would she have ever settled for this? Most of the time we know we would have wanted much better.
Never think you are staying for the kids. This is teaching your children that this is what marriage looks like and teaching them to accept the same. So while he's saying noone has to know... you will know and your kids will think this is normal!
My only regret is I did not leave my ex when the kids were younger! They would have had longer without his toxic behaviour. They now do not have much to do with him by choice but the damage 🤦♀️ Your children are the perfect age to leave! They will forget that you were ever together as they age and that makes the adjustment easier.
X
He does give me money its not like he leaves me with nothing at all. He isnt ALL bad. He is controlling but also narcissistic.
If I would spend he can see my transactions, if i used cash i would leave receipts to show what i have spent money on so that i have proof to show him when he says ohh you e blown through money,that i 90% of the time am buying groceries otherwise it is something for the kids. I buy my clothes from savers, i don’t often buy makeup or luxury things for myself.
Our relationship has been rocky since just before our first child was born but not always bad. I grew up in a broken and dysfunctional family so i never wanted that for my child/ren. He told me we have to stick it out for atleast 3 years, we had another baby and then he said the 3 years starts again. He would give me stories how kids from broken homes end up being messed up etc and that we owe it to the kids to stick it out because they didnt ask to be born. I guess as he “bettered” himself with business, veneers, a sports car, going to the gym and tattooing his balding head he must’ve realised hes too good for me.
I dont want to take the kids away from him, they absolutely love him and it breaks my heart. He thinks i am going to use them against him or not allow him to see them which is untrue. After last night and finding out what i have, the thought of making it tough for him warms me greatly, however i always go back to the kids and know it wouldnt be the right thing to do to them. I guess he wont be able to maintain his current life schedule and see the kids. He will really have to choose whats more important now. Before he would just come home and they would be here, i wonder what it will be like if he has to make a conscious effort to remain “the best dad ever” in everyone elses eyes.
Thankyou for you comment
I was the one who posted the first comment re the social worker and not any subsequent. I have not read all of these.
I am not sure you are ready to see the full picture and that's okay, really it's how we survive these relationships. People who have not experienced it will never get it.
Please get yourself some support to help you to figure this all out. Chances are you feel confused about what to do and even about who he really is.. many times we even start to doubt who we really are. Gaslighting long term does damage.
I did not feel strong enough to leave at first, it was having the support of a DV counsellor that helped me recognise the DV and gain enough strength to leave 🙏
At first I was staying for my kids, then I left for them.
Please talk to someone x
So much good advice here already. You need to start with becoming independent. Let family know so you can ask for help if needed, contact centrelink to get that started, get your registration paid so you can start finding a job. Then get a lawyer and take everything that you deserve, don't let him make you feel like you don't deserve anything.
I never wanted to get a lawyer involved incase something like this ever happened.
Do you have any suggestions about who would be best in SA? I dont want him to find out or im afraid it will get really bad. Also i have access to limited funds as i am 100% dependent. Will i have to pay a lawyer straight away? He can see all transactions
I have no idea about lawyers but you should really see a social worker who can help you more with the process of leaving! Look up what services there are for DV in your area to find a social worker to help you.
I saw your other comments about not thinking he's financially abusive because he still gives you money. He is abusive because he's made you 100% dependent on him, he still controls what you spend the money on. You only buy exactly what you need and provide him receipts as proof, spend very little on yourself while he's buying veneers and sports cars. You're very much in a financially abusive relationship, you need to be getting your own income to move forward. Start with centrelink, you can get it all rolling while living under one roof.
1. Stop having sex with him.
2. Get your nurses registration. Pay it with the money you have now.
3. Go to Centrelink and see social worker about separation under one roof.
4. Call CSA.
5. TELL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
What is CSA?
Child support
He has told me before that if anything happens he wont be paying child support He is the type of person that would go broke before he allowed someone to take from him
You file with the agency, he doesn't have a choice
So let him go broke spiting his own children. He sounds like a gem and the sooner he’s broke in a ditch and you don’t care, the better off you’ll be. (By the way - he’s talking bullshit while hes got you where he wants you. He will work and he will pay his child support bill. He’s just a cunt in the process. His colours are shining, hope you’re seeing them)
I was in a relationship with someone like this for 12 years and even though we had 4 kids together he wouldn't be able to tell anyone much about me or our kids beyond the basics. Everything was all about him and that's all he ever worried about. You will have no idea how bad things are until you are on your own and don't have a massive man baby to rush after. Leave him to himself, his life will get harder and yours will get easier.
Gosh there's some harsh comments here. We aren't all like that. Take care of yourself as I know you would be grieving. It sounds like you were still holding on to hope, even if just for your kids.
His plotting and ability to completely avoid emotion suggests to me you need to speak to someone asap. Start with a social worker and go from there. Just tell him you are going to a counsellor to talk about your feelings if you cannot hide outtings. Do not mention anything about seeking legal advice etc. as it will just escalate things.
He is relying on you being heartbroken to screw you over. So I need you to find some inner strength and start seeking support. He is probably a narc. lovely which explains his behaviour and ability to be a nasty pr*ck. It's not you, its him.
Start making a plan to leave. Doesn’t matter if the car is in his name your entitled to take it.