Why would my mother in law taunt me so much about my weight? And how do I deal with it?
She is ALWAYS bringing up my weight in little ways, she herself was a very large woman (more than I was), but lost a massive amount of weight with weightless surgery.
I told her I bought something from a certain shop and she asked how I could fit into it, she never fit in those clothes when she was bigger.
I bought a men's hoodie one day (because it was really cheap and exactly what I wanted), and she said she always bought men's clothes when she was fat too, because they fit better.
I'm a size 16 in women's, I'm not really that big.
It's a bit offensive, and I don't know why she always has to do it?
Mother in law always brings up my weight
Mother in law always brings up my weight
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
19 Replies
I'd stop discussing clothes around her. She sounds more clueless, than being directly and deliberately mean.
As a larger person myself she is using the language she used/ and uses internally towards herself. She probably doesn't even know she does it. Have you told her she is offending you?
When you used the word taunting I was expecting more extreme behaviour from your MIL. It doesn't make what she says ok.
It's not too bad, I know, but I've gained a bit of weight since I had my son and I'm a bit self conscious so it doesn't take much to offend me when it comes to weight.
What you said makes sense though
She's a degrading bitch that's why. Or she's just concerned you'll get bigger and develop health problems. In any event, she's going about it the wrong way.
My mother is obsessed with weight. It's the first thing she comments on about anyone, even strangers, and she doesn't even see anything else about them. It's not malicious, but obsessive over her own insecurities, and since it occupies her
mind constantly, it transfers to everyone else.
She became overweight as a teenager due to lack of nutritional education (she's 75 now) and only lost the weight in her 40's, and has struggled ever since, and does every diet fad going (I've had to step in and stop her as one landed her in hospital). She feels her weight is what contributed to every success or failure in her life, even if that is not true. Only recently it dawned on me it's why I hate my own size 12 body so much that I wear baggy, shapeless clothes.
So I would have a prepared answer, something like 'Could you please stop commenting on my weight. It affects my self self esteem / makes me feel bad about myself / makes me uncomfortable'.
I focus on weight a lot too. But different reasons why your mum does. I'm 51 years old and 58kg. I'm a model in my line of work so if I want to make good money, I have to stay small, and have a flawless face. I spend $15,000 a year on cosmetic procedures, not including other beauty costs.. I've been a model for 19 years. Sometimes I'd give anything just to eat an entire cake !! But then I see larger women and it terrifies me. I don't want to look like them. My job has caused this way of thinking. I like the way I look but it's a daily effort of upkeep. I look very young - when I say that, I am meaning low 30s . It's the feedback I get. It's not my feedback. It's everyone elses.
One day I'll have that cake.
Are you the one that sleeps with younger guys and tells us all we are jealous?
I recognise your words.
There are a lot worst things people can be than overweight.
It's a shame you only see people skin deep on a superficial level, what a shallow existence.
I'm terrified of being a bad mum, screwing up my kids, failing my exams, not achieving my goals, I feel sorry for you.
One day your age will catch up with you and what will you have left?
What talents will you have?
How will you define yourself if you aren't that young good looking cute girl?
Excuse me? Who are you addressing?
The 50 year old who thinks she looks 30. Would love to know the type of modelling she does at 50.
I just showed my husband this and we both laughed & laughed. I have no idea who or what you're talking about. I don't sleep with younger men? We also have 5 awesome grandchildren. I work for online catalogues and make up businesses all over Australia.. You seem to have several people mixed up in their 50s , it's the only reasonable answer. I just looked at how many followers are on this page and there's thousands. I Hope you have a better day.
i remember now, you're the one married to a much younger man (early to mid 30s?), who is overweight and everyone thinks you're younger (so you say lol), plus he's the mature one.
I'm gonna go off on a little tangent here but I am so OVER women of this generation thinking they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want about other people's appearances!!! I had a customer at work recently scoff at me and ask point blank, "how much do you weight?"
LIKE, WHAT!? In what universe is that an appropriate thing to say to a stranger lmao
I'm sorry but I don't care if it's like a generational trauma kind of thing, if it's internalised insecurity or if it's not meant in an intentionally mean spirited way - it's bloody rude and everyone knows this! Your MIL knows it too but she keeps making her little jabs because she gets away with it!
Assert yourself. Calmly but firmly tell her that these little comments are hurtful and you won't tolerate it any more!
I've discovered that extremely large people don't really have any understanding of how large they actually are.
Or maybe they do, and try to lie about it, maybe from shame.
My own XXXL partner will look at someone & "holy shit he's massive" and I'm silently thinking "you're bigger than him".
I also have a friend who talks all the time about being a size 18..... not a chance. 26-28 maybe. And she obviously knows this, because she buys clothes.....
Also when someone loses a huge amount of weight, they do tend to consider themselves experts on the matter (even if it was surgery so they haven't actually had to put any work in at all) - and still think they are smaller than they are.
With your MIL I'm certain it's the above, and the shame & embarassment are what makes her be so bitchy about it; also, she may GENUINELY believe she was never bigger than you are.
If you want to be an asshole then you could chip back at her, but that's just going to start a fight.
Personally I just avoid the topic with my larger friends, it's not for me to say "the entire world can see you're twice that size so stop trying to fool yourself".
That is true for some people. My ex SIL told my daughter that she shouldn't wear short shorts, and if she was as chubby as my daughter she wouldn't wear them. My daughter at the time was 18 years old and a size 12! My ex SIL was at least a size 20! I was gobsmacked when I heard that. Another ex SIL (the whole family was obese) was 140kg then had weight loss surgery and lost 50 kilos. She was saying one day she didn't feel like she lost that much weight so I was saying to her in a positive way how different she looked as she was so big before. Well she got offended by me calling her previous size "so big" lol. I don't know where she thought she lost 50kg from if she didn't think she was that big before.
Or you could lose all the weight like I did and still wear baggy clothes and think you're huge. I looked at a shirt and told the shopkeeper it would not fit me. She convinced me to try it on and I was shocked it did. In my mind I was still huge and yet I was a size 10 to 12. You can definitely still see yourself as bigger than you are. Mind you I think I was developing an eating disorder...
Start putting her down in the same way. Maybe a taste of her own medicine will shut her up.. tell her something doesn't flatter her, like "those pants make ur ass look big" or, "that jumper looks like something a 90yo would wear. Be a right bitch about it. Tell ur hubby your gonna do it too. Make it clear that u have had enough.
I had a similar issue with my sister with body dysmofia. She would tell me how much better she'd look in my cloths. It was her way of trying to make herself feel better about her own self worth. She stopped when I gave her a taste of what she did to me.
Without reading other comments. It sounds like she is really proud of her own achievements and referring everything back to being about her and her weight loss. She may be seeking opportunities to keep bringing it up. I would simply have a script e.g. it's great that you feel healthier or I know you're proud of your weight loss and then change the subject.
If you feel she is actually taking digs at you. Then say something on the lines of "I am the average size for women which I'm happy to maintain as I feel happy and healthy" and then just shrug your shoulders at her. Be a bit dismissive and do not react emotionally. She will realise she isn't getting to you.
My ex MIL said to me "you would think with running around after your kids you would be thin". But she's just a b*$ch in general. I just ignored her and shrugged my shoulders. She was worse with my SIL who became upset and reacted.
If you wanted to be nasty back, you could always say "I'm much younger, so I know I can wait until your age before I need to worry about it" š¤£ I do not recommend this approach though š¤£š¤£š¤£
The suggestions you have given don't seem too bad. I'm a rather big girl myself (sz18) - I no what I am and also no how to fix it. I'm fat and love food and I'm also very comfortable and open about my weight. My partner is a large chap too and we can both openly discuss our fatness and there's no arguments or hurt feelings ect.
I come from a family where females are incredibly bitchy about weight, even when they are in no potion to judge. It's nasty, bitchy belittling comments. For example from about age 7 my mother would always yell at me to "tuck my fat gut in" what she meant was I needed to pull my pants up over my stomach to my belly button to get the pants to help "hide" how big my stomach was. This would be done in public settings, in front of my friends, their families, teachers, my family ect.
My partner comes from a bigger family too but they have a completely different attitude about bring big and tend to embrace rather than put down. So I could say I'm craving kfc and my mil will call me fat or say that I love being fat.
So what I'm getting at could it just be different dynamics that you might not be use to?
It took me awhile to get use to how my inlaws talk about weight vs how my family talks about it.
She might think she's being completely innocent in her conversation.
It also sounds like she might be trying to clutch and things that you guys have in common? Talking about fashion for bigger girls (something she would have some insight and understanding too)?
If it's really bothering you, you should speak up and just politely say I don't really like people talking about my weight, thanks it makes me really uncomfortable. If she continues after that I would then just exit the conversation everytime she brings up your weight and bring the comment to her attention so she is 100% aware of what it is that is effecting you. "I'm gonna stop you there Karen, as I have told you before I don't like discussing my weight, I find it rude and offensive so I'm going to end this conversation here. Have a good day.
Few different ideas/thoughts. Hopefully some of it's helpful. Good luck š dealing with inlaws can sometimes be a minefield for both parties lol.
I think itās that generation. My in laws (both FIL &MIL) are obsessed with weight. Itās their own insecurities and uneducated and judgemental view more than anything but I grew up in a house where it was literally never discussed so itās a very weird concept.
I have certainly backed away from them because of it. I donāt feel comfortable at their house or going out for dinner with them because of their judgement, so I rarely do. Iām a size 16 womenās as well.
My mother in law hated me and called me a ālittle fattyā when I wore a ladies size 8. She was in a 12 to 14 at the time.
She always said that her whole life she weighed 7 stone (would have made her a size 8).
She had an event she was going to and asked to borrow one of my formal dresses that she had seen me wearing. She commented that if the dress fitted me it would swim on her. I loaned her 2 dresses, one a size 8 and the other a small size 10.
When she gave them back I asked her which one she chose to wear and her answer was neither, because they didnāt fit her.
My weight changed many times over the years, going up and down and finally setting on a size 14. Hers went up and stopped around size 22. She seemed to develop a sense of realism about her own size towards the end, often commenting on how fat she had gotten as she had aged, but she never once called me fatty again.