I'm at a loss as to what my role and identity is now that I am the mother of an 18 year old who has recently graduated.
I feel like a bag of uselessness. My child is almost getting his drivers license. He has finished highschool. He is working part time and getting ready to start his adult life. He's not going to schoolies, he is saving his money for a car. Once he's got his wheels, I feel like I'm redundant. It doesn't feel very nice.
I'm sitting in the car at the supermarket, my 43 year old self and suddenly feel so very tired and alone.
I love that he is who he is and fully support his independence. I like to think I raised a beautiful young man who will go forward confident towards are great future.
But,I have no idea who I am now. I'm not a mom, of course that's not true. He's still at home, I drive him where he needs to go etc.
He isn't a little guy anymore and I'm struggling with really adjusting from 18 years of being "ZZZ's mom' to nothing.
I don't like it at all. And I don't know what my life will be like when he moves out. I just don't know what my job is anymore. He's my only one. He has expressed his concern about this and I've brushed it aside saying ill be alright. He's been like "you need to have another baby or something to be obsessed by." I was like "I have dogs... and I'll always be your mom."
He is like "you've always been a mom and an involved mom."
Now what?
8 Replies
Hobbies, travel, career, friends and interests that aren't your child.
As much as I love my kid, Ive got to have a personality and things for myself!
Get out there an try some stuff and that may mean you aren't always as on call as you were previously and that's a GOOD thing. Your son sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and sounds like he is worried about you (when he should just be excited about his next steps in life). So now it's time to go and experiment about what gets you excited that's not your kid.
I must add that I work and have done so for 6 years straight. Before that, I was in university.
I'm considering taking a short course when I'm not at work but I also make hairbows for fun. (I have a small following on Facebook.)
I was considering taking a holiday next year but have never travelled alone and don't have any friends. I have work friends but they aren't the same.
It just hit me that he is an adult now, my only child and I've been a single mom since he was a toddler. I know nothing else.
There are tour groups for single women. One of DH's co workers has done quite a few. She did a domestic one first then was more confident doing overseas ones.
There's often travel social groups that meet locally as well.
Also empty nesters groups (try meet up groups) that do meals out, social things - you might find friends that way.
OP here. I'm 43. Are these tours suitable for my age bracket or for retirees?
there are tours for every age bracket!
I think a lot of what is going on for you is how you frame and define yourself.
It sounds like you have other things going on in your life but you emotionally have chosen to define yourself as mum. Start focusing more in other areas and and you will be ok. It's pretty normal to have moments where you notice your baby has grown up, but you will get through it.
DH's colleague was in her late 30's. There's an option for everyone. You just need to settle back with a coffee, in your new free time, and look!
Time to take your life back.
I'm a 46 year old mum with a 26 year old kiddo.
I travel solo (there's solo woman travelling groups on FB), I go to concerts solo etc.
I'm not actually solo, been with my child's dad the whole time but I do what I need to do and they're not his interests. That's cool.
Interested in art? Join a class and your local gallery mailing list.
Like music? Learn an instrument, take singing lessons, follow local gig guides.
Travel? Start local to build your confidence. Book a room the next town over, sightsee, do a tour. Take the time to see the things that you've never allowed yourself the time for before. I drove past Picnic Point in Toowoomba for over 20 years before I realised I never "had the time" to stop. I damn well made the time to stop. Now I think nothing of booking holidays and driving a few thousand k's to see something different. I'll travel up to 500km one way for a concert. If I really, really want to see them I'll even go to the CITY (I really hate the city haha).
Your job will always be mum. It's only that the role is becoming a lot more part-time freeing you up to enjoy this next stage.
I just got my motorbike licence this year…I can say with all honesty it has been the best fun.
My kids are a year apart in age, just started high school hubby was worried about what I would do, one has just got an after school job near our house.
So he bought this bike, I refused, but gave in.
Joined some mixed and all women's groups.
Pretty much every weekend, facebook events come through, I pick where/which ride
Put my music in my helmet, follow along have coffee/lunch, either head home or continue on.
Its pretty individual as you are not stuck with people, get to see some amazing places. All kinds of trips are organised
Everyone is willing to help teach.
It has been revitalising for me
I am 44yrs old