What would you do in this situation?
Husband of 20yrs says he wants a divorce. Immediately. There was no discussion, or communication about what's wrong and his reasons were that,
1, he's not been having fun/laughing with me for the last few months - this is true. We have some major stresses happening with kids etc atm but I thought we were on the same page that we will get through it *together*
2, he told me I don't 'make an effort anymore'. This hurt me because he knows how much pressure I've been under lately, and also before we had this major stress happen I had spent hundreds of dollars on new lingerie/underwear and was actually trying hard to keep a spark, and then realised that he expects me to 'make an effort' for him but meanwhile he's unkempt, and wearing underwear with holes and stained clothes. Why do I have to look a certain way for him and he do nothing in return??
He then said he can't take the pressure and he wants out. I was absolutely devastated and confused. He kicked me out of our bedroom and I've been sleeping in the spare room. I thought the next day he would be over it and perhaps he was just having a moment, but nope next day he was cold as ice, repeatedly told me we are divorcing, and to prepare myself because it's going to get really bad and to go get a solicitor. He also said everything we own is going to be sold, and when I asked him if he understood that I would be homeless, car less, and jobless (we own a business together) he didn't care. So I spent a few days sick to my stomach worrying about where I will live and how I will support my kids.
He started telling people (and our kids) he was done with me, that he wasn't in love with me, that he was done etc etc.
Now he has come to me and said he thinks he made a mistake. No apology. He is still super frosty but wants me to move back into the bedroom and acts like he's doing me a favour.
I didn't want a divorce, but I am so so angry with the way he has treated me. It was complete disregard.
I feel like going through with separation/divorce anyway. But I am scared of losing everything.
Would you give him a break and chalk it up to stress or Would you nope out of there?
10 Replies
They say people show you who they are, and he just did. It's certainly not a pleasant view.
I'd be quietly getting my ducks in a row, seeing a solicitor or a women's support group (he's proven he will be nasty and unfair & I'd call his behaviour abusive) and then getting out.
You won't have nothing and don't necessarily have to be the one to get out, or be dictated by his decisions. He doesn't own it all. He can't take it all. He'll have to buy you out or sell it all & you'll have to be vigilant to ensure it's split fairly. I'd also be looking for a job outside the business before leaving.
Tbh, Not sure why he's come back but he's obviously not happy about it & I'd say it's practical rather than emotional. But it'll happen again so protect yourself now. Knowing what you're entitled to, and having a plan will empower you to stand up to his attempts to bully you into taking nothing.
Also make sure some close friends & family know what he did. So he can't lay the blame at your feet & look like the victim later on.
You summed up everything I came here to say.
It sounds like whatever he was up to didn't work out. I bet ANYTHING he is on an app and he was a: ghosted. b: got cold feet. c: was played. Or d: the chick found out and called him a loser... which is what he is.
I'd still get some legal advice and your ducks in a row. If he wants a divorce, give him one. Do it quietly and understand that you get a share in ALL assets and as a business owner, you have rights to that business. He either buys you out or sells it to you.
Definitely talk to family and friends you trust to support you so he can't control the narrative. I am pessimistic when it comes to that sort of stuff.
He is a nasty piece of work.
Honestly girl don't get complacent!
Its hard, and no doubt he has lowered your self-esteem but you deserve better!
If he is willing to treat you like that, and nothing is ever his fault and was willing to throw away everything.. he isn't going to change, and will no doubt get worse knowing you will put up with it.
It seems like he either had someone else that was a dead end or realised he couldn't just screw you over and take everything!
Make sure you have everything you are entitled to, home and business.. seek legal advise and if it takes a little while, start getting all your ducks in a row. Savings, renting advice, career options. Don't let him scare you into believing you will be left with nothing and no one. You got this girl!
He's cheating. And the girl he's cheating with has called it off which is why he's done an about face with you. Think about that.
He needs to wake up. Does he really think everything’s on his terms because he’s the male of the house? Wow… You could divorce tomorrow and still walk away with a share of the life you built with him and contributed to. He doesn’t have the power to take it all from under you. As for the state of the relationship he’s treated you pretty horribly and if you don’t think he gets it it won’t change. I’d be telling him he can treat me the way I deserve permanently (not just temporarily to get you to stay). I’d start holding him to his own very own standards and tell him if he keeps it up a solicitor will be retained and divorce will be a definite. That would be MY call to make seeing as though he thinks it’s all his choice. Every regret will be his. You don’t deserve that.
Oh no... so he thinks he's that special you should make an effort for him and he can treat you like a yo-yo anytime he likes. Pulling you in and pushing you away again whenever he feels like it.
Run, no amount of money is worth this. I left and went back to renting. I would not tolerate this. You will constantly feel insecure and wait for the next moment. How much control over you and your peace do you want to give him.
I know other women have suggested it but this screams red flags for me around another woman. Especially the lack of reasons. Time to focus on you and your happiness and leave this guy eating dust.
If you stay, you will never trust him again.
Sounds to me like HIS legal advice wasn't what he wanted to hear.
He didn't make a mistake.
You'd be making one though if you go back to the pre-divorce talk status quo.
IF you stay with him now, separate finances, still get legal advice on how to get your share of assets protected because I'll bet my left tit he's only in it to give him time to do it to you.
Happened to me, I stayed. Then he left again when he found someone else. Pretty sure he had someone else the first time & it didn’t work out, men don’t leave until they have someone to go to. I would be quietly planning to leave him