Hi IMs, I just need to vent and don’t want to burden anyone in my personal life.
I had a relationship for 6 years to a man I thought I’d marry and have kids with. We had a fun relationship although with ups and downs. I had a lot compassion for his childhood and some fears he had around being together or progressing our relationship and really tried my best in that relationship. He later ended our relationship in a cruel way and without warning. I came home from work with the house packed up. He cited the cellulite on the back of my arms (I didn’t even know I had it) and the fact that I didn’t look 21 anymore as the reason for the break up…I am actually quite a fit, clever and pretty girl with a great career and Uni background…but I unfortunately believed what he said at the time and his words/break up manner caused me great damage and pain.
He’s now dating a MUCH older woman who can’t have children at all and her lifestyle habits are not at all like mine. I’m not saying this to compare or to be mean to her either, but more to say that it’s obvious to me now that he wasn’t ever going to get married or have kids…or that my looks and habits were ever a problem. I was trying to grow and progress our relationship…and instead was torn to shreds for no reason. I just feel a huge wave of emotions now even though I am through to the other side of the break up.
I really have moved on and don’t want my ex back…but I still feel sad that my ex put the blame and critique on me for our break up…when in reality, he could’ve just said he wanted different things than me and couldn’t keep going on the conventional relationship path we were on…the damage he did to my self esteem for no reason is hard to grapple with when I did not ever do that to him. It feels like years of my life were wasted. Why do men turn nasty in a break up to good women? Why can’t they be honest about what they want? Is there a point to going through all this pain? Would love any words of wisdom just to turn over a new leaf emotionally.
5 Replies
Was he cheating? I have found with my ex would put me down as a way to justify to himself why he was cheating on me. It's a weird way of dealing with guilt, instead of feeling bad they turn it back on you like you deserved it because of your flaws. Whatever his reasons for doing it, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Imagine if you did have kids with him you would still need to deal with him instead of him being a forgettable mistake from the past.
Emotional intelligence. Saying ‘he could have just been calm, kind and honest’ is just giving him far too much credit. He isn’t capable of it. What he did instead, was scummy. And I’m glad his actions now prove to you that he’s totally full of bs. Keep moving forward, thank him for the lesson, you know the flags to avoid early now.
You just chalk it up to him being a shitty person!
Don't think of the time you had with him as a waste, think of that time as a valuable lesson. You know your worth now and you've grown as a person!
I know it probably doesn't feel like it yet but you've come out on top here.
He is an asshole. That's the simple answer. Emotionally immature and an asshole.
Not worth your time. It's 6 years wasted, however you're not exactly ready for the pasture. And even if you were, the dating that goes on in Aged Care homes would be enough to make your jaw drop and toes curl.
I'm healing from a recent break up and I still require some TLC, even though I've "moved on." You've got a bruised heart and he's played some nuclear chemical warfare by dropping gaslighting bombs on you.
You've done nothing wrong. Although you'll never get answers you need, I can honestly say you won't and with an emotionally immature person who needs to grow up, you're way beyond that kind of need to tear someone down to feel better about the decisions you make. So unless they have a lot of insight, self reflection and reprogramming... they will never grow an will repeat the cycle.
Rest assured, you will be in a better place soon and be heading into a different positive direction soon. You'll be happier too.
Childhood issues.. insecurity and projection. He has a few of the narc boxes ticked. Not saying he is one but you possibly dodged a bullet.
He wants someone to revolve their whole world around him. He's likely the kind that could not cope with and become jealous of his own children and the attention they would get from you.
He has chosen someone who is not a challenge for him to keep. You describe yourself as possibly fit, confident etc. You would not be easy to control or manipulate. He projected all his own insecurities on to you, when this actually was not about you at all.
He did you a favour, you are wayyyy better off without him <3