I have been with my husband for a 13 years, married for 3. I had 2 daughters now 22, 16, he had a son 24 and together we have a 12 year old. My husband had a terrible childhood, left to his own devices most of the time, mental physical and sexual abuse. No decent role model for what a parent should be like. He is a great provider and works very hard. My problem is my eldest daughter and he do not get along. It has been quite a strained relationship for quite some time. Our relationship has been rocky and there was a emotionally affair had by him. When we are good we are great, we like the same things and have fun together but when it’s bad it is bad. He does not accept that his behaviour and treatment is the cause for their lack of relationship. He’s not always been that nice to her but has always provided for us all. Now I know she will move out in the next few months she currently pays board as she does work full time and he is wanting to raise it by quite a lot (I believe this is out of spite) I disagree with his figure and believe it should be $100 less. Now she needs to be able to save to be able to move, she pays for all her own personal things and has done for a long time. She helps around the house like the other two kids do. She will be home so we can have a date night. Now we have had a huge blow up as I am standing by my daughter and will now allow the huge increase and will not allow him to kick her out. Am I wrong in choosing my child and not my husband? I just wish he would stop playing the victim and acknowledge how he treats other people too. I am so torn as I know she will have her own independent life and I want that for her. I just don’t know what to do. I appreciate anyone that had taken the time to read all of this 🙏🏻
37 Replies
You should've chosen your daughter a long time ago...
I grew up with a step parent who didn't always treat me fairly or respectfully, as an adult and parent now myself - that leaves me with a burning rage and let me tell you, most of that anger is towards my bio parent who allowed it to happen.
Your Kids come first, all the time, every time! 100%
How much is she paying? That will help answer. Times are tough and it can be annoying having an adult in the home that's not paying their way. If they aren't getting along the best thing would be for her to leave, she is 22 after all. Their relationship will most likely improve when they aren't living together.
She is paying exactly what has been asked of her to pay for years. He seems to all of a sudden just flicked a switch and decided it needs to double. My calculations are very fair and equal and $100 less than what he wants her to pay. She struggles with the fact that he has hurt me emotionally. I’m just really struggling. I don’t want to throw away 13 years (a 1/4 of my life) and the future we could have when I know she will be moving out with her partner in the next 3 months. At the moment she has no where to go and I can abandon her.
Have you posted about this before? Because it sounds very familiar only the boyfriend was staying over many nights as well and she wasn't actually paying board in that post, and they were not long from moving out then either? Regardless, there's a difference in what you would charge a teenager working part time and a 22 year old working full time. Especially since everything has gone up significantly in the last 18 months.
"Annoying having an adult" far out, is that how you view your kids?
Annoying.
It already says this "adult" pays her way.
The world has changed, kids need to stay home longer, it wasn't what it used to be.
Imagine talking about your young adult child like that, who works full time, helps around the house, pays board.
My bestfriend had a mother, just like you....urghh
So you've allowed this man to emotionally abuse your daughter for years?
So your daughter's mental health has paid the price for this adult's bad childhood and your inability or unwillingness to financially support your children yourself?
Stay with him, your daughter will escape soon but you deserve each other.
Quit pro quo, you live with the abuse but you and your kids are financially supported.
You chose this, but your daughter didn't.
How do you choose?
Don't bother, you made that choice years ago.
Don't expect your daughter to visit when she moves out.
Wonder what was going through your daughter's head at your wedding three years ago?
The post does not say he's abusive, only that the 2 clash. I'm sure the 22 year old wouldn't still be there if it was that bad. She is just upset that board has gone up.
Most families are struggling at the moment with two full time wages to get a rental. Imagine how hard it will be for OP's daughter and her bf, young people deserve the grace of their families. The OP's daughter has been paying her way for a long time, helps around the house and even babysits for these two "parents".
He does not accept that his behaviour and treatment is the cause for their lack of relationship.
He’s not always been that nice to her.
He is wanting to raise it by quite a lot (I believe this is out of spite)
Will not allow him to kick her out.
I just wish he would stop playing the victim and acknowledge how he treats other people too.
It's pretty clear here what the situation is.
Daughter is paying for having a weak mother, have no sympathy for women who put themselves first.
He is a great provider and works very hard.
Emotional affair had by him.
But when it's bad, it's bad.
has always provided for us all.
Pretty clear why she stays with him.
How about to stop the fights, OP increases her wage or gets a job and pays the additional rent.
That will give the daughter some peace until she can move out.
Op conveniently took out the sentence about her daughter feeling emotionally abused, ostrich, head in the sand mother.
It didn't say that, it said daughter didn't like what he did to her mother emotionally. Meaning the emotional relationship which I would have to wonder how she knew about that.
If he's paying for everything how is it fair that he is paying for an adult child that doesn't like him and her boyfriend? She is earning a full wage, she should be paying her way, it is not her mother paying for her its him.
Well she IS paying her way and has paid what has been asked of her until he doubled it recently and the mother says she works full time, so if that isn't a lie, you're completely WRONG, there are three people contributing to this house.
Wow I have not changed the post at all. My daughter is gay and her partners mother can’t not handle that her daughter is gay also. My husband and daughter are very similar and this is why they clash. they are bother very strong headed. We live in a small house and it’s hard to try and keep quiet so unfortunately not all disagreements can be kept hidden. I work full time and have always paid my share of everything so I am not a free loader by any means at all. I am just struggling as I know all children grow up and move on with their own lives and I can’t wait for her and her girlfriend to live together for their happiness together and build their life together. I asked for advice not to be absolutely torn apart
Does your daughters girlfriend stay over regularly? She needs to be paying board. They should be able to save and pay board if they're both working. Assuming he's not asking for $500 a week.
sounds like you are counting the days until she leaves, to placate your abusive husband.
when your "troubled" husband has another affair, don't expect support from your daughter.
fingers crossed your daughter can get out soon, it's hard to find accommodation at the moment.
Where does it say he's abusive?
Some mothers have absolutely no maternal instincts, they speak about their kids like they are an income stream and instead of helping, they want to "teach them a life lesson".
This daughter has paid her share, is trying to move out and this idiot step-father wants to double her contribution.
He's cutting off his nose despite his face, as it will take her longer to save and move out.
There are two full time working parents here, not a single mum, plus a hardworking daughter trying to save to gain her independence.
Where's the willingness to want to help your kids get ahead?
The bulldog mum on here, no doubt will say, they need to learn the hard way, they need to learn about life.
I think home should be a soft, safe, place from the world and I see the contribution kids make as more symbolic than a revenue, especially when they have a goal they are striving towards.
The kind of parent who says "because I said so"....the authoritarian kind where kids are to obey and not allowed a voice or opinion.
I'm not that kind of parent at all but I do know some kids need a bit of encouraging to move on. You don't know what is happening in their home to be able to make assumptions about what the daughter has or hasn't been doing as far as saving and paying their way. For all we know board could have been $30 a week and she blows her pay on random stuff every week. If you're the one busting your ass paying bills and buying food so someone else can splurge youre bound to get a bit resentful of it all aren't you? She is not 16 she is 22. I had 2 kids by then and living on my own for 6 years. I'm sure she will be fine with a board increase while someone else is paying all the bills.
My kids will never be encouraged to move on, my home will always be their home, FORVER, no matter what age.
I will NEVER resent my kids.
Op says the contribution increase is unfair and I believe her.
Op says daughter has always paid what's been asked and I believe her.
I've made no assumptions.
The only issue I have with adult kids is that they either need to be studying or working.
Maybe you had to move out young due to your family, but for me, family is EVERYTHING.
I can't wrap my head around the mentality, especially during the current rental crisis, that you say to your 22 year old, okay time to leave.
If they are causing tension then why wouldn't you get them to make the effort to leave? Why wouldn't they want to? If I lived at home at that age I would hate it. It's not about kicking people out on the street but they should be making the effort to move out. Adult children living at home only works if everyone gets along and even bio parents can clash with their kids.
I wouldn't get them to leave because they are my child and I love them, no matter their age.
I would choose my child over an arsehole man, every single time.
And I wouldn't blame my child for "causing tension" when my arsehole partner just doubled their board, isn't always nice to them and is spiteful (OPs words, not mine).
If they were violent/abusive, stealing from me, drug addict, dangerous people visiting the home etc. something extreme, then yes, for the sake of the others, they would need to leave.
You know in a lot of cultures people live in family compounds, generation to generation, living side by side and in our culture, we push our kids out as young adults, before they are ready, into an expensive world where even a lot of established adults are struggling.
I'll never understand how women pick an arsehole man over their kids or parents encourage their kids out of the home, when they aren't ready.
I don't think parenting ends at 18.
Even psychologists are thinking of creating a new name/phase for that time between adolescence and adulthood.
That it is a definite stage before adulthood, because their brains aren't actually fully developed and they still need a bit of guidance.
22 can be very different between 2 people. Some just finishing uni, no cash, some been out in the workforce for 7 years, with funds behind them and that doesn't even consider maturity levels and even the area you live in and cost of housing. There are so many factors,
If I had my way all my kids would stay home forever. I will miss them terribly when they go. I will not ever force them to leave and I hope they know the door will always be open.
yes, thank you, someone of my own heart!!!
My teenage child and I are like best mates.
I enjoy his company so much.
I will be devastated when he leaves.
I don't want my kids to stay home forever at all, I think that's really unhealthy and ends in MILs being jealous of their children's partners and start interfering. I want my kids to be independent and think for themselves, that's the goal. You can be a supportive parent without being overbearing like "I wish they stay home forever".
Being a supportive parent to you = pushing them out of the nest at 22 during a rental crisis.
You should be teaching your kids to think independently from day dot, it isn't mutually exclusive to where they live.
Nah, MILs that act like that do it due to a character flaw or usually a personality disorder, where they see their children as possessions.
Whether they live with their child or their child is 100 miles away is irrelevant, they interfere, try to control and wreak havoc over their kid's lives.
Distance doesn't matter for people like that.
Read some of the stories on this forum, in particular, the recent MIL post.
She lives faraway but still manages to cause tension and discomfort to the wife of her son.
When my kids are ready to move out, I'll be supportive and wish them good luck, but I'll wait until they're comfortable/want to and are financially able to.
I wonder what it does to the parent/child relationship when you effectively kick your kids out?
I don't believe in living life on a certain schedule/timeline and I certainly won't impose that on my kids.
I've raised them to be strong, independent people and I have enough respect/faith in them and my parenting that they will do it when the time is right for them.
I'm hoping they stay home a bit longer than "normal" after they finish uni and save for a deposit and hopefully I can help out also, so they don't have to rent and can get straight on the property ladder.
As I said to them, it doesn't matter if it's a tiny 1 bedder, it's still better than renting and gives them a head start.
Once you're out in the real world renting, it's very hard to save for a deposit.
Remember the old days where people got married, lived with the inlaws for a while so they could save for their house deposit?
Family helping family, that used to be the norm.
In my experience kids that have more financial responsibilities from an early age are better at budgeting and saving than kids that don't, kids that don't have to worry about everyday expenses have a lot of freedom with their money so are more likely to spend big even if they have managed to get savings. They also have higher standards like wanting nice furniture and furnishings because that's what they are used to. Instead of starting off with just basics and freebies like a lot of young people do.
I also think you're really wrong about MILs not caring where their kid lives, it starts off with an overbearing, meddling mother that can't handle the fact someone else is looking after her baby ie. not living with her anymore. Good luck ladies.
You all know you need about 100k deposit for a house now, its not like the 70's anymore where the kids saved for a year and got a loan on one income. They didn't take females earnings into consideration. That's a long time to live at home to buy a house.
I live in Cairns, a small 1 bedder costs 150-300k, very achievable for my kids.
Unfortunately, it isn't that way in many places in Australia.
5-10% deposit plus expenses, stamp duty is less in QLD than places like VIC also.
You're assuming your kids want to live in Cairns and won't want pets.
yes, I absolutely am, for now lol you got me!!!!
We have put a Caravan in the back yard, friends put a granny flat. We have decked it out and my daughter is welcome to have her own space there. Maybe that could be another thing to consider.. rather than her leaving completely and to keep her costs down.
I will quickly mention that my partner had to stop my daughter from abusing me. It went on for so long and he finally could not take it and had to step in and say enough. Some of these men are good people. I had to choose to let her leave to live with her boyfriends family for a while. It was the hardest thing ever. I feel like some would say I chose him. I would say I chose self-preservation because the abuse coming through her from my ex was destroying me. We now have a much better relationship.
My point is that noone commenting here knows what goes on in your home on the daily. Or the real dynamics of every relationship. You need to do what is right for you and your family. If it were me, based on the little you shared, I would stand up to hubby on this one and say no
that's a great idea