How do I adjust… I have just left a long marriage due to his infidelity again third that I know of and now he is living with his latest. He has nothing to do with his family, doesn’t talk/text/see them. I am beyond dissapointed how things have gone, how can one just discard you like that, especially after I feel like I have given 1000%…I know he lied soooo much, blamed me and treated me like absolute shit and was emotionally abusive our entire marriage (only came to this realisation once I left) Why then do I feel like the failure?
I worry that I am unlovable and not worthy of someone, I feel so unattractive and worthless to an extent, feel like a failure and feel like I am not good enough for someone, insecure especially around women.
I am not depressed and now don’t have any anxiety (he was obviously causing that previously)
There is limited opportunity to find someone (when I am ready) where I am living and there is minimal groups that’s I can join for
Social “things”, I am in a remote area and can’t leave at this point due to financial issues. I feel he has left me in such a horrible situation
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4 Replies
Firstly; stop looking for another relationship. I know you’ve said you’re not ready, but even having the thought there right now is too much.
If you’re worried you’re not enough; then honey- you need to work on the way you feel about yourself. You are enough.
You’ve stated this isn’t the first time. So time to move on with your life. Where you want to be. Move if you need to. Why not ?!
The world is now your opportunity…
Focus on yourself and your kids and building your self-esteem, that's an inside job.
Seeking validation from others and wondering how you will find the next partner should not be a thought right now.
When you need someone to make you feel good about yourself, you are vulnerable to the worst kind and will end up back in the same situation again, repeating the same cycle.
You have the choice right now to change or stay the same, pick change.
I was there. What was worse than the cheating, was the realisation that I was still carrying him around with me in my head. All the little ways he chipped away at my self-worth. He no longer needed to be there to do it, he had trained me to do it to myself. I became easier to control because I felt worthless.
So therapy can help but if that is a no. Then it's about recognising this is something you have been taught and taking steps to unlearn it.
A part of my journey was working out what I did and did not like to do, as my whole world had been shrunk down to my relationship with him and I had lost myself. So think of those things you liked to do before him and explore them first. It may be as simple as playing your favourite music or exploring new tunes. This for me was the best part, a journey of self discovery and becoming someone on the other side of my trauma.
I also started to target those automatic negative thoughts that popped into my head. I recognised so many of them as coming from him. So if I felt unloveable, I would remind myself that every single person deserves love and that I needed to be kind to myself. So I would then go and do something nice for me e.g. a bubble bath. It's putting the self-care in, even if the self-worth is not there. Eventually I could look at myself in the mirror and say "I'm okay with me".
I did not start dating other men again until I felt better about me and held genuine love for the person I had become. The last thing I wanted to attract is another narcissist. So initially, I spent time 'dating myself', I went on walks around the river, I took myself out for coffee, I went on drives and I even took myself out to a concert. The last one was a challenge I set for myself but I am not sure I would go to a concert alone again 😅
I started dating and I dated for two years. Learning how to say no when a man pressured me. Saying sorry to anyone that was not right for me and not buckling. It was very eye opening to see some of them switch from sickly sweet to nasty in a matter of seconds. Others were lovely and just not right for me. I was low key messaging a man with lots of mutual friends during this. We finally went on a date and it was instantly knowing. The difference is I was attracted to his kindness, patience and gentle nature. Over 5 years later and I am still working on me, while being with the love of my life.
I share this because I want you to know it will not always feel this hard, bad or impossible. You can move forward from this 💗
Beautiful this is exactly what I am needing. Sometimes if I find my friends and other people just don’t understand the mental and emotional toll emotion abuse and cheating has one one’s self