Back story: We're both kiwis, who moved to Aust separately. We met 7yrs ago, fell madly in love. Had 3 children together (I already had 1 to previous relationship). 2 years into relationship, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, we married very quickly, thinking he had less than a year to live.
Present time: Its now been 5yrs since diagnosis, and no signs of slowing down. Hubby is adamant we move back to NZ. I dont want to leave my older grown child and family. I have no family back in NZ. We'd be moving to an isolated part, where i wouldn't know anyone. No income. Only his family. The tricky part is, ive fallen out of love, and no hope of regaining it. Cancer changes people so much, and the person i fell in love with, is absolutely not the person im married to.
Do I stick it out, unhappily, and make the move. Or cut ties, and separate, and be judged for leaving someone with cancer? And then possibly being trapped back there, with no way of leaving with my kids.
Leaving hubby with cancer
Leaving hubby with cancer
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
19 Replies
My brother has stage 4 cancer and is a single Dad. I couldn't imagine how stressful life would be for him if he was separated from his child, the stress would be enough to make him go down hill. So for your husband to potentially be separated from his whole family will cause him stress which it would for anyone. Stress affects people's health, even healthy people so someone with terminal cancer could be greatly affected. I can see why he wants to go home but I also understand that maybe not what you want. But you're not the one dying. He is not going to live for a long time. If it were my husband I wouldn't leave him while he was dying. You could convince him to stay in Australia but I couldn't leave someone with terminal cancer.
What stands out to me is that your only concern with leaving him is what people will think of you.
Surely you have other concerns like your kids not spending as much time with their dad before his impending death?
I would stay with him for the kids.
I would give them as much time as possible with their dad before he dies.
I know we're taught to put our happiness above all else these days, including our kids, but I strongly disagree in this case.
When your kids are older and dad is gone, all they will have left is memories and they will look back at this time and how do you want them to view you?
I'm truly sorry you're in such a tough situation.
This is such a tough position to be in. For both of you. Illness and disability does change a person. It also changes their carer. I'm 7 years in caring for my husband who has become disabled and I have been very unhappy for most of time. I know he has been too, but for different reasons.
My advice is from the carer's perspective only. Not minimising your husbands journey, but you asked from your POV and it's the carer's POV I have some insight into.
I feel used and taken advantage of. You mention 5 years in and no end in sight. This is one of the things that is so hard. We live in a society that is results driven. I hope you understand, when I say it does my head in that he isn't getting any better or worse. But with health there is no 'get better or die'. It is one day, or even hour, at a time.
They might have a few good days and then weeks of total dependence. It feels like they are choosing to be sick, because you see them functioning and then they just stop.
You let them manage their health, drugs, appointments, etc and nothing happens, so you step in and suddenly they have this insight and they feel better and are more mobile. So you say, right you are back on track... and they immediately drop the ball again.
And all the while you are carrying 100% of the paid work to pay the bills and all the medical expenses. You're carrying 100% of the domestic load because they 'can't' (or won't when they are having a good day - just in case...) You're carrying 100% of the mental load and, in your case, the kid load too (mine have left home).
But as the carer, you are expected to be patient and kind and understanding. As the other posters demonstrate - you are judged for wanting a life, for wanting to be self-centred (which our sick partners get to be, because they are the sick one...)
I have become hard and closed. Defensive and resentful.I am also at 9/12 of the burn-out timeline. Exhausted with no end in sight. When I'm sick or tired or injured, no-one steps up for me. He is likely to go on for another 20 years. I won't last that long under this load and pressure. Why is that fair?
I have said to my husband, he needs to find a way to function as if I am not there. If I die what is he going to do? So put some of those systems in place now, to support me support him. But the entitled white male refuses and keeps expecting me to be there. There is a reason married men live longer and married women live less than their single counterparts.
I don't love my husband anymore. I'm his carer. There is no affection. I will never share his bed again. Only long term carers will understand this feeling. I totally understand your wanting out.
I have done some counseling, but he won't participate, so I am alone to make the almost impossible choice of whether I stay or go. You have three young children. And if you don't move, they will probably not see their dad more than twice a year due to the geographic distance.
Is there a way your hubby could see his extended family more without uprooting his immediate family? Can they come to you on a roster, so there is always someone with you? It might even give you some more support. Could you go for an extended holiday to his home town? It might take his rose-coloured glasses off. And you all still come home.
Whatever you decide I am sure you will have strong emotions to be managed. I hope you have a couple of deep female friendships to help you. My close women friends are my sanity and will continue to be whether I continue to care for my husband or not. Sending light, love and hope to you.
Have you contacted carers gateway? Please get in touch.
Being a carer is everything you have said and more. At some point, they have to care for themselves or have systems in place to care for themselves, whether that be home carers (NDIS or agedcare home care packages) or to a centre. The point is it’s unfair and unsustainable to have only 1 carer do all the work. Your vows of “in sickness and in health” do not include the words “only in sickness”
Lots of hugs to you.
I'm the sick one in a similar situation. Not cancer, nothing terminal, just half crippled.
I know my partner is sick of it.
I'm miserable and he's angry.
I'm almost at the point of leaving, even though I'll be pretty well fucked on my own, because I feel like his frustration is making me worse. And I don't want him to feel like he's encumbered with me, like he HAS to stay because he's stuck.
It's sad, but it's just how it is.
It'll be hard for you to sort out custody etc, but honestly I wouldn't go back to NZ if you have nothing to go back for.
Let's get some perspective going on here. Being a carer is a tough gig and many people lose so much of themselves. So number one thing I can suggest is reaching out to carer support services. He is not going through his diagnosis alone, you are going through it too and frankly life can feel pretty crappy without anything positive to look forward to.
Now to the next part and I am going to be blunt. He could live another 5 years and you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Just because he has been given this diagnosis does not mean your thoughts, feelings and desires no longer matter. You still matter!!!
So I would be inclined to suggest being honest with him about not wanting to relocate away from emotional supports, as you need support too! Especially with caring for him in the later stages and being able to cope after losing him. Then I would suggest a holiday over there instead. If he decides that is not enough for him, then he decides to leave. It is no longer you leaving him.
If he decides to stay then I would make sure you have carer support services in place and start accessing respite care if not already. This will allow you some down time and to pour some energy back into caring for you a little bit. It is not selfish, it is a must. If you cannot cope, then you cannot support him. It will also allow you some space to examine your feelings towards him a little more. It may be that you are both exhausted. There is no rush to make big decisions now.
It would be good for you to have someone to talk to. You need support too. Remember, you matter <3
Terminal doesn't mean death is always close. My uncle lived 6yrs after being given 3months. Cancer didn't even kill him, it was his cemo sores they got infected.
You should never feel obligated to stay in a realionship, regardless of hid diagnosis.
How can you stop loving someone just because they have cancer? Is this what you mean? Because it's changed him, as you said? This is absolutely sickening and disgusting. Appalling values.
Seriously.. this poor woman is probably exhausted and feeling awful about it all. She was looking for somewhere confidential to share her innermost thoughts/feelings and instead she has someone who chooses to not only judge her harshly but engage in mud slinging. Unless you have some understanding of what it's like to grieve someone before they are even gone, then you really should zip it. You have no idea what her every day looks like.
I do!!! My partner is terminal I'd never leave him so don't you dare tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.l, you ignorant woman. She is vile for this and so are you for defending it.
Different commenter: I love the way people always assume on here, if you don't agree with them, or it's harsh, you have no experience in the situation.
Often, it's the ones with experience that are more horrified.
People have also assumed that she is his "caregiver", a burn out florence nightingale, but we don't actually know how much care he currently requires.
I also don't understand the no income thing, can't she get a job if they will be with family.
We also don't know his capacity to work.
My friend has been stage 4 for ten years (breast to brain) and she works.
Really, that's not just disagreeing. Calling someone vile and disgusting is vile and disgusting behaviour in itself. No empathy at all.
So you are letting your feelings about your situation get in the way of showing compassion. Her story with being a carer may be completely different from yours and mine! So go do you and stop tearing other people down. Maybe you have more support.
It's 100% disgusting. Wait till this hits the page, more will say so.
maybe being in the same situation, she understands the ramifications better than you.
who are you to criticize another's opinion?
every comment a person makes on here is a product of their own life experiences.
There are plenty in the same situation who do not agree with attacking others. There are carers who have terrible thoughts! It can and does impact their mental health. Just because someone thinks of leaving and has had enough, does not make them a terrible person OR mean that they will in fact do it!!!
It just means they may need to access more support services including respite at the least. This was an opportunity to try to encourage her to reach out for help. Instead you called her vile and disgusting which is really over the top.
Person who commented earlier here. If you had of read my post you would realise I said I had been a carer. So no she's not in a better position to understand at all!
Don’t Move!
If you do, you won’t be able to move back. Please do not let him talk you into moving even for awhile. It will be permanent. You could be in a huge fight over custody.
No income, if you moved to NZ this is a crazy idea. If you have a job, family and children why leave? He cannot force you. The cost of living in NZ has gone up so much, more than Australia. I’m from there and even I wouldn’t move back.
My advice is to stay in Australia. He can’t take the children out of Australia and you’re happy here. You have to do what’s right for you and your children.
If he wants to leave let him go. Perhaps it’s already over and he senses that. He might have sought legal advice and been told he wouldn’t be able to take the kids out of Australia without your permission. A lawyer could have told him to move to NZ with you. Be very careful and even seek legal advice about this situation.
Perhaps he could go there on holiday/live there for a couple of months? Seeing family is important but please keep the big picture in mind.
Do not move there!
You need to be prepared for what happens if your husband passes away after you leave him and the guilt involved in doing so. I left my partner whilst he was sick.. we were unhappy for many years before he was sick but I didn't leave because he needed me. I ended up leaving when I thought he was strong enough but he passed away within 3 months of me leaving as (I believe.. and he told me many times that I will miss him when hes gone, and I do... ) that he lost the will to live. This was in 2013 and it took me many years to get over the guilt.. and to be honest I don't think I'm fully over it, despite knowing I left for the right reasons. I'm not advising against leaving, just saying to be prepared for the guilt that may hit you if something were to happen to him post breakup.
Not an easy situation to be in and I deeply feel for you. I wish you all the very best. xxx