Hello everyone,
I’m seeking advise which may be to sexually explicit for some.
My patent and I are 38 years old and I’ve been in a relationship with him for 5 years now and I absolutely hate our sex life.
Prior to meeting him I had a pretty high sexual drive and after say 2-3 years together I have none whatsoever.
Our main issue is premature ejaculation (PE) and I’m honestly so tired of getting excited for nothing. Sex itself will last 10-30 secs max and if it does last 2 minutes it’s due to a very long pause in between.
We have had many discussions about this and he is trying his best to “fix” this issue but nothing seems to work. Even on viagra it will be 1 minute max and he can’t go round 2. He isn’t depressed, we have checked hormones, which has been all within range, natural remedies, reverse kegals, dr even put him on anti depressants just to see if that helps but unfortunately nothing works.
Foreplay I’m completely over and I don’t like the feel of sex toys whatsoever as it’s not where near the same as the real deal.
People may say I just can’t be bothered because we have 3 children together but trust me the children isn’t the issue. We now have sex once every 3 months and completely losing out connection.
Anybody tried something that works? Please I’m happy to try any suggestions.
16 Replies
I don't think it's premature ejaculation, you're not really having sex often enough to know if that is the problem, 30 seconds is quick but its not abnormal especially if there was foreplay and a 3 month wait. If you don't have a sex drive, why is the focus on him? Have you been to the Dr? Hes been fully checked and put on drugs he probably didn't need to sort this out but it seems like you might be the problem? Try having sex more regularly and you might find that he can last longer in the bedroom.
And a cock ring if you haven't already
The first 3 years of our relationship we were having sex daily and 30 secs is on a good day. My sex drive is gone due to the lack of excitement involved. Why would I wind my gears for only 10-30 seconds? I’ve been to a gyno and naturopath - all my hormones are balanced and I’m fit, eat extremely healthy, etc. Obviously if I was having sex every 3 months then he would E a lot faster but the 3 monthly sex has been happening for a year.
You've tried everything, this is who he is, you either accept it or move on.
Having sex every three months, silently resenting him and talking about it constantly, IMHO is only going to make it worse now.
I think foreplay until you are just about "ready" is the way to go.
And if need be, he finishes you off after.
Have you googled sex techniques that help?
I think you can squeeze it or something, or as the other commenter suggested, a CR.
Move on. You're putting a mountain of pressure on him to be what you want him to be. Plus, you have no passion for him. Call it done and let him find a woman who loves him, you find a man who you want.
Lol thanks for your insightful opinion. I’m not a dump and blow woman. Passion is something I desire and connection, hence why I’m asking for solutions. I don’t know how you gathered that I don’t love him but not all people are normal in the head
I didn't say you are. Stop trying so hard to be offended.
He doesn't choose this and with you has tried many things to "fix" him to be what you want of him.
It hasn't worked.
You choose to not use sex toys which could extend your own pleasure, wanting it to all be about sex.
There's nothing wrong with any of that.
It hasn't worked.
You said yourself you can't be fucked getting wound up for 30 seconds = passion gone, yeah?
Connection is on its way out.
Connection tied to sex/intimacy.
Once that's gone all you have left is emptiness and resentment and regret.
Hence, let him find someone who loves him the way he is. I didn't say you don't love him, I said you don't WANT him (ie, passion gone). And you find someone you desire who can keep up with you.
Sometimes love isn't enough.
It's got nothing to do with dump and blow, whatever the hell that means. It's about recognising that after all this time your needs aren't being met and very likely won't/can't be. The more you drag it out the more pressure on him to try to be that.. have you ever asked him what this is doing to his self-esteem? Seeing his mrs not able to muster any enthusiasm to have sex with him?
What you sarcastically consider "insightful" may well be. Remember, it's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in it.
Actually it’s HIM that wants to fix his issue more than I do. I’ve said over and over to him that it isn’t a big issue and told him it all fine but he wants to do something to fix his situation more than I do.
I love this picture you’ve painted of me without knowing all the details. Obviously if it was all about the sex than I would opt for sex toys but obviously sex means more to me than just plastic and pleasure.
Believe it or not, people actual do connect better when sex is great between them. You must be a bloke that’s why you’re so cut and don’t get it.
I was asking for solutions to help our relationship. He feels the same way and that’s just the way it is. Despite all my efforts of making him secure and loved, he doesn’t feel confident which puts more stress on him.
He obviously has no idea that I’m posting this to seek help because despite what you make think I’m supportive.
Over the last couple of months I have told him that I feel like he isn’t connecting and maybe I’m not as much, he agreed and faults his 10 secs.
The way you’ve reacted is like you’re the one with hurtful connections to this post. I hope you heal
Different commenter....you said you have no sex drive due to his problem, that's not being supportive or compassionate, that's giving him the cold shoulder because he's not good enough.
The above comment was a bit close to home for you I think, hence the rudeness and snideness.
What's the different between having sex and getting the big O from foreplay or the actual deed if you really love him?
Do you know how many women can't get the big o from penetration? There's actually more that can't than can and do you think they feel any less connected with their partners?
You would still be being intimate with your partner and as you say, that's most important to you?
Read some anatomy books, you can get the same thing in the same spot.
If you had been dating a few months, I would say he doesn't meet your standards, you don't have feelings, so toss him.
But you've been together a few years, had kids etc, so is it really that important where the O comes from?
You've also had 3 kids in 5 years, so your relationship must have been pretty dynamic for a while, to keep having more, why have your feelings changed?
Are you the same woman writing in about not feeling desired by your partner anymore?
If so, I can see why, you have certainly taken the fun out of it all.
Men aren't machines, maybe try being nicer to him and stop putting the pressure on and the desire might come back.
If he knows you're disappointed every time, he's not going to want to do it.
People move away from pain and toward pleasure, don't become "pain".
I understand what you mean. I don’t look disappointed lol he is the one so upset that’s honestly turned me off over the years trying to deal with the sulking.
Thanks for your suggestion. I’ll be sure that I’m not making him feel uncomfortable in anyway and maybe have another discussion just incase
Thanks for your reply.
I’m most definitely not giving him the cold shoulder. He doesn’t really ask for it himself and if he does then I for the most part, will have sex with him.
I’m not being rude at all and there is no tone in my messages. I just stunned how people would assume I don’t love it care for him based on not being able to connect or feel passion due to the lack of sex. It has nothing to do with an organism, it that was the case I would be happy with sex toys. What I’m trying to say is for me, I feel like a relationship grows and sexual desire grows (not all aspects) due to sexual connection. Having the pleasure all for myself isn’t really connecting from my POV. He could easily do that. What I was asking for if anyone has a way of getting sex to last longer, even for 5-10 mins.
Just to be clear, it’s not about the big O.
My first 2 children I had from a previous relationship 13-12 years ago and we have a child together.
It’s tiring tbh, after work, study, raising 3 children and then you want to have sex. I can’t just switch on and off, it takes time mentally for me to get there and to do that all and give 100% for only a short period of time is disheartening. We are wonderful together in every other aspect, he is my best friend but it’s starting to feel like just a best friend when intimacy is lacking.
I’d just be saying make me orgasm before you. That way the pressure is off for the actual act. You won’t care he only lasts 30 seconds if your already done.
Sex therapist to work on intimacy and the lead up? Also I'm curious as to why he cannot go again.. 🤔 I would encourage maybe getting that first one out of the wank bank and then trying to get him going a little while afterwards. He will last way longer the second time..
There is a cream in Coles you can buy, it legit works. My ex had PE problems and he brought it too try well from 1minute to 2 hours it went. Not as pleasurable for the male to begin with as it numbs them.
Can’t he do stuff for you that doesn’t involve toys? He’s got a mouth and hands, right? Also, um, if you’re really tense because you’re worried it’s gonna be over too quick, things are gonna be really tight which is gonna squeeze it out of him super quickly, so to speak. To help him last longer he basically needs to do it more often. And you guys need to feel safe with eachother and be committed to working it out together. I take it you’ve tried changing positions etc?