Please help me out.
So I am totally head over heels in love with my husband in the last 12 months I have not been the best wife (not even married for the whole 12 months) but been together with him for nearly 4 years. Anyways I called him out before the wedding about dating sites and I open messenger again today to find an anonymous message with pictures of him again on a dating website but this time since our wedding.
In the last 12 months we have lost 2 babies and I have been diagnosed with ischaemic heart disease so we are not really sexually intimate right now because my mental health is absolutely in the drain. Although I do make him feel loved in other affectionate ways like cuddling up and kissing cooking driving him places (because he does not have a licence) etc.
I feel absolutely horrible I’m not a good wife but I just can’t come at being intimate in any sexual ways right now.
I have confronted him and he says he was only looking for some friends on there he used to talk to which I’m so confused about I just don’t know if he is telling me he loves me and using this in the back ground. I know he doesn’t meet up with anyone because everywhere he goes I am with him or I am the one that drives him because he has no licence and hates public transport.
I’m so gutted and confused please don’t tell me to leave him because I’m not one to run and dump like I have had done to me many many times.
6 Replies
He was cheating emotionally before the wedding and your heart diagnosis, after the wedding and will continue during your entire marriage.
He cheated during rough times, where you lost 2 babies.
He doesn't respect you, he would rather talk to other women than his own wife.
This isn't a "you" problem, it is a "him" problem.
If you continue the marriage, at least be honest with yourself about what you are signing up for, a life of cheating/heart break.
Your mental health also won't improve if you are living with a cheater.
You deserve better lovely x
Flat out: he's a lying, cheating piece of shit.
It's up to you of course whether you stay with him, but this is repeated behaviour and he doesn't care that you're upset about it.
He's not looking for old friends, that's a load of bullshit. He'd look for them on fb or insta, not bloody dating sites. And if he can't find them on fb, maybe they've blocked him, for good reason.
By staying with him after you've caught him numerous times, you're just teaching him that you'll accept this behaviour. It doesn't matter how much yelling or crying you do, he's not getting any consequences.
Of course he says he loves you, and he probably does - you do everything for him and let him get away with this shit.
He may not be meeting up with people, but you can't know that for sure - one of my friends just had the same situation, swore he'd never cheat and didn't have to means to do so even if he wanted to - but he did. He found a way.
Just because you're not having sex with him right now is absolutely no excuse to go looking for it elsewhere - not even if he's *only* chatting to other women - he's likely sexting or having emotional affairs - or at least trying to.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this on top of grieving for your lost babies and your own health - but honestly, he's not going to stop, and how can your own mental health improve if you can't trust your husband???
Maybe a temp separation with ground rules could ve a good idea while you wrap your head around this, and while he decides whether he wants to me monogamous or play the field.
Who has told you that being ill and not having frequent sex makes you a bad wife.... him??? He should be reassuring you and supporting your health and loss journey not out looking for somewhere to get off!
Find your self worth, this is all about him and nothing to do with you, if you choose to stay, set strong boundaries and if it happens again you leave, he is treating you like a doormat and knows he can get away with it.
Just because he’s not getting sex does not give him the right to do what he’s doing. Marriage is more than just pleasing your husband and keeping him happy. Who cares if he isn’t getting sex for whatever reason!!!!! My hubby didn’t get sex for a year last year for reasons I couldn’t control, he didn’t once look elsewhere, he supported me and was there for me. We still were a normal husband and wife! Don’t try and sugar coat it. He’s being a dick and you know it. I know you don’t want to leave him, but in 5, 10 years time you’ll look back at the red flags right in front of your face and wish you did something back then and didn’t waste the last 10 years.
For now, if you want to try and change him, put your foot down! DEMAND respect, give him an ultimatum and see what happens! But please…. Don’t stay and keep letting him do this, you are worth so much more!!!
I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU TO LEAVE 💗 You are asking for people not to tell you to dump him because you are trying to find another reason to stay. Honestly with losing two babies and having a heart condition, that's so much loss and I can understand why more loss right now may seem unbearable. You also may feel like as much as he is dependent on you for transport, you are dependent on him for emotional/physical support. Even if he is not great at providing it. The problem is this is a high level of co-dependeny in your relationship and it is not healthy for either of you. I am not going to tell you to leave because that takes strength and right now you sound like you are struggling to cope. I am going to ask you instead to let yourself know you can take as long as you need to make this decision. I am also going to ask you to please find a counsellor and work on building your strength up. Then when you are ready to, you can make a decision from there 💗
What a scum bag. You could try counseling I suppose. Why hasn’t he got a license?