I don’t understand what’s happening with my husband. Out of the blue he gets extremely aggressive - walks around with fists, clenched jaw, glaring, chest puffed out, refusal to speak or engage with the children or myself, and constantly tries to pick fights. He has very negative thoughts about us and spits them out at us nastily. He broods and gives the silent treatment or ignores us. If something happens that we need his help with, he is completely heartless and won’t help. This can go on for weeks. Then he will come out of it. He doesn’t even know it’s happening how we see it (lots of people have seen it, so it’s not just my interpretation) and tells me I’m overreacting. His doctor thinks he’s fine and so did a psychologist we tried. I’m finding it impacting all aspects of our life. It is so stressful for us and I don’t know what to do. What would you do when he is in one of these mood periods? How do I just snap to back to being with him as a partner and not scared or resentful when he comes out of it?
8 Replies
If you have kids, then I would say you need to leave. you are their protector and allowing him to do this in front of them. Show him he can’t treat you like this. He is prob only drugs or has some kind of mental health disorder. Let him go fix it while you move out.
"How do I just snap to back to being with him as a partner and not scared or resentful when he comes out of it?"
Short answer - YOU DON'T.
You do not just have to endure this emotional torture and then go back to pretending everything is all peachy. Why enable him like that?!
My real worry is that these moods/episodes/ whatever you want to call them, will turn violent. I think on some level worries you too doesn't it?
I mean, walking around with the chest puffed out, clenched jaw and balled fists combined with these irrationally angry, negative and dark thoughts - that's a ticking time bomb!
That's someone who's gonna snap and start throwing hands.
Sweetheart, please build up your own support network and make a plan to get yourself and your kids out of this situation. This is not likely to change, if it does or he puts in the work to get help then you can reassess but the reality at the moment is that you guys are literally at his mercy and that jeopardises your safety.
Could he be doing drugs? Sounds like something is going on. Keep a diary of behaviour and give it to the psych as well as what others notice.
You could put the effort into recording these episodes but to be honest, you need to get your kids out yesterday.
Sounds very much like on coke behaviour but don't rule out mental health. Doesn't matter which, it's on HIM to do what it takes to keep his family.
Keep records of behaviour and witnesses.
Does he use steroids? I went through something like this and turns out steroids were being used in conjunction with working out more
He may be depressed. My husband gets like this when his depression is really bad. I usually have to take him to the doctor and get him back on anti-depressants for a time, which seems to reset his brain and then he’s back to the guy I love. Sometimes people process fear and sadness with anger. It’s not ideal but its not something in their control either. I’ve gotten really good about seeing the signs that he’s about to slip into another episode and I have a bunch of things I do to support him (like getting his friends around for a games night, booking in massages, getting him out moving more in the sunlight and getting him to redirect focus onto activities he enjoys like using his forge to make something I “need” or solve a problem). If your husband isn’t taking drugs or has hidden debt that he’s worried about, he may be depressed.
Could he be using drugs without your knowledge? If this is a new behaviour and not his usual demeanour which it sounds like it isn't otherwise you wouldn't be asking for advice on what is happening with him
From personal experience I was this same person while I was using drugs in secret my behaviour changed dramatically and I treated my family like this aswell. I got help and I not longer have these behaviours or changes in my personality anymore thank god and I was not using drugs daily I was a user for 4 months. Within 3 weeks of starting my use I changed and it got worse and worse until finally I was caught out by my partner.
Your husband my not at all be using drugs mental health problems and being "burnt out" will also cause behaviour changes. It's not ok regardless and you do not and should not live like it. Please take your children out of that situation and yourself until he sorts himself out this is HIS problem and he is causing you to now have health problems and safety concerns, If you don't address it now for your safety and your children's safety then please take your children to someone who can keep them safe they didn't ask to be born and it's our job to protect them from unsafe environments if the person with the behaviour problem won't address or accept they need help and make active steps to change.
Good luck mumma and remember it's ok to leave and live for you!! I wish your husband luck aswell and hope he wakes up and addresses these issues if not for his family for himself to be happy.
Sounds like a substance abuse problem. If you are hell bent on wanting to stay, I would be putting up recording devices places that he doesn't know about and catching it on camera.
But honestly I'd be leaving - no reason to risk your or the kids safety for trying to salvage a relationship. I know of someone who's husband was like this, and the night she finally had enough was when he'd pulled a knife on her in front of the kids.
Ended up being that he was on ice.