hey babes
Preface this with I’m a self professed neurotic and hubs is sensitive to any criticism.
So. Usual night for us, hub went to his weekly sports but left his phone at home.
This is something he’s only done once before - a few weeks ago. We’ve been together for over 10 years and he’s never done this.
First time, yeah rando mistake
Second I’m fine but then I start overthinking - this is a new pattern of behaviour?
When he got home I was kinda cold and suggested it was odd this had occurred yet again and never in the last 14 years prior. I had a shower and got out but it was still bugging me.l, so I asked who played tonight. He hesitated and said “what” and “are you serious” etc before responding. Took me 4 times to ask to get an answer.
He then said “you must have gone through my phone that’s why you’re acting like this” - and actually I didn’t at all. Now I’m thinking shit, is there something actually to be worried about?
I held my ground calmly and said it was different behaviour and it’s a worry. He lost his mind and grabbed his shit and slept elsewhere for a few days.
Next morning (in front of our son) he said “are you serious? Just fucking leave then” and I shut it down as it wasn’t the right time but seriously wtf if with the outrageous response? Yes, 100% I own my own overthinking nonsense but this is kinda red flag territory, am I wrong?
11 Replies
Two sides here, but his reaction - ott, saying to leave, end it, in front of child, is all sorts of wrong And toxic, no matter if he’s had a gutful or not, so on that, I’d say he’s also the type to be guilty of other toxic behaviour. there’s big problems in your relationship when the go-to is to say he’s happy if you leave.
It’s much higher than that interaction, I think you know it is. Are you really neurotic or has he coached you to believe that about yourself? They pick your weakness because you already believe it. Regardless go and get yourself some help for that, and they’ll also help you sort out what’s going on at home.
You aren’t overthinking! Go with your gut. Make him think you believe it and follow him next time.
That was a guilty reaction but weird if you knew how to access the phone then why would he leave it behind twice? If he had something to hide you would think he would have it locked and be extra cautious with it, not start leaving it behind. Do you usually ring him on it or look up his location? Maybe he's starting to get sick of that if that is the case.
I think he has done this so she does look, so it looks innocent. He prob has another phone, she doesn’t know about.
He’s hiding something here.never dismiss your gut feeling. I think he has done this on purpose. He leaves it home, you go through it and think it’s innocent nothing there but he probably has another phone or number. Check his car. Something here is off.
Ignore what you think you're like, and what you think he's like.
Someone who is happy for you to leave is someone who doesn't care if you leave.
End of story.
What you do now depends entirely on what you believe you deserve. If you believe you deserve love - go find it because you don't have it here.
I used to play mixed netball, heaps of the people I played with would purposely leave their phones at home/in their car etc because their significant other would constantly call, text and even track their location.
I have also been in a relationship with someone who was very insecure and neurotic, it kind of drives you insane.
I had far too many out of pocket reactions like your hubby's when I was in that relationship because I felt like every innocuous behaviour of mine was being scrutinised and interrogated, he had a way of making me feel guilty when I had done absolutely nothing wrong and I started to feel resentful about being so untrusted.
It's such a toxic and dysfunctional relationship dynamic, we should've ended things long before we did!
If we look at things from your hubby's POV, he comes home after a presumably fun evening to you acting cold towards him (by your own admission), you start questioning him about something that the answer to is in his phone so he jumps to the conclusion that you have snooped.
I could be wrong of course, maybe like others have said this is an elaborate gaslighting attempt by him and he does have something to hide...
End of the day though, I think you both have some issues to work through, both as individuals and as a couple.
The latter might be deciding whether or not you should even continue being a couple.
If my husband left his phone home by accident. He would apologise when he got home incase I was trying to get hold of him or he would say can’t believe I left it home again or what’s happening to me, I am getting forgetful. He certainly wouldn’t get angry! The last time an ex got angry at me for a simple thing, such as can you pick …. Up for work? I found out he was cheating! That reaction of his kicked off my Instincts and yer I knew straight away by his reaction over something simple was a sign of guilt and from that moment on, I was into it and I got rid of him once I knew 100% I didn’t let him know that I was on to him though. He played me for a fool, so I made him think I was one and believed him. I didn’t believe him one bit. Sometimes a reaction has the answer you are looking for. Keep your eyes open. Next time he leaves it home, go there and take it to him 😂
Follow your gut… I’m thinking he didn’t want you calling him for a reason. Do you have kids? What if there was an emergency. it’s def red flag
Sounds like a toxic relationship on both sides. If you can’t trust the person you’re with what are you doing with them? If you can’t trust anyone then you need to look at yourself and get help. Overthinking is a slippery slope to paranoia and control. I would go insane if my partner was doubting me because I forgot my phone! If you don’t trust him because he’s dodgy then leave, get counselling and find someone you can trust. Life’s too short
My first response would be to say "cool it" as you completely overreacted to a minor thing. However, his reaction and defensiveness have me thinking otherwise.. rather than reassuring you, he launched a defensive attack. I now think the only reason you had that initial reaction was because you already sensed something was off in your relationship and that was just the thing you found. Trust your gut.