So ladies, I believe I have an unpopular opinion. Please read the whole story before commenting.
My SO has a child from a previous relationship he's now about 21 years old. This relationship was about 2 months long she said she was on the pill so don't worry about protection, we got together and she came knocking on the door saying she's pregnant. He told her right from the beginning he didn't want a child ect.. and she decided to keep the baby and do it on her own (admirable but....). When boy was born she contacted and asked if he wants to see baby and be on his birth certificate, was again told no. Fast forward 7 years she decides she wants him on birth cert, goes to centerlink and suddenly remembers who her sons father is and has him put on the birth cert and have to start paying child support. I already have a problem here because she lied and got pregnant, lied to centrelink then wanted him back in her life and tried to use this to get it.
So changed jobs several times so has paid then not paid required child support. Kid is 21 this month and government is now garnishing $150 per week from his pay for owed child support.
Now I've been a single mum of 2 from a partner I was with 4 years, he wanted both kids but when he walked away he left everything about them behind, I never chased for child support because I was just happy he was out of our lives.
This one was lied to so she could fall pregnant, so tricked into the child, was upfront about not wanting it but had no choice. When she decided she wanted to get child support she went for it ahead had no choice. Kid us now out of school and presumably working and government still wants to take money from him for this kid. How is it fair for men? We fall pregnant they want it we don't they have no say and have to miss out. We fall pregnant we want it they don't they have no say and have to step up.
Just wondering if I'm the only woman that has a problem with this system?
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
51 Replies
I think she is a terrible, awful, deceitful person, however, I couldn't personally respect or be with a man that turns his back on his own child.
I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about being a father and in his child's life.
The child is not at fault here and shouldn't be fatherless due to his mother's sins.
How do you wake up each morning knowing your son is out in the world and you have nothing to do with him?
Do not have children with this man.
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You didn't file for child support because it sounds like you found a new benefactor very quickly.
I wonder if your attitude would be different if you were actually alone for a good few years.
No I was quite happy to have full say in my kids lives, I didn't want my ex around because he had drug abuse issues, when he walked away from them it was actually easier for me. It hurt my son deeply but I was ok with no contact because it meant his bad lifestyle didn't influence them. Child support was chasing him to pay but I was never concerned. I was only livid when he'd had no contact for 8 years then got to have a say on my taking my daughter overseas (he had to sign passport forms as she was 12 at the time)
I actually have a son with him 15yo now, and he has another previous daughter he's a great dad too. She comes from a long term relationship that didn't work out but he's always been in her life, she'd now 26. It's more about being 'tricked' into it that made him mad and made him stay away
How is that the boys fault? I bet if he's been dodgy with the 21 year olds cs he was dodgy with the 26 year olds cs too. What a keeper. Anyone that can turn their back on their own child is a bad father lol. I don't know how people keep having kids to these loser men like if I met a guy, he already had one child that he didn't want to support then another on the way that he didn't want to acknowledge and basically dismissing it like a dog, I would not be thinking - this man is going to be a great step father and I might just have another baby to him. Where does that come from? My ex is on his 3rd baby mumma, I was the first. I just can't understand how these women keep having kids to him when he has real life living examples of what he's like as a parent.
When they break up, she'll see it from the other side.
She was desperate, no child support, happy to be baby mumma 3.
So, because the other child was from a long-term relationship, that child "deserves" a dad.
But the other doesn't because his mum was with his dad 2 months.
What a disgusting attitude, you should be ashamed of yourself to even write that.
Karma will get you and your partner....
While I get it if it was a one night stand, this clearly was not. I'm not really buying the whole 2 months thing if she went knocking on your door to say she's pregnant. He moved on real quick to be moved in with you and you had 2 kids? You moved in quickly. So I guess he's the type that has very serious relationships from the get go. For your husband to still have a debt for a 21 year old shows that he's done a lot worse than the bio mum in regards to you thinking she has lied to centrelink. I bet you weren't complaining about that lie when it was benefiting you. Also, by you not paying child support means tax payers have to pay more in benefits. I feel bad for the child. I hope he's going to be a better father than his own.
My son is 18 . I had a 2 night stand with a guy I've known my entire life. I got pregnant for not being more careful. He was just as much there as I was. I didn't conceive him on my own.
Father said he didn't want the child and if I kept him, then it's on me and don't i dare come looking for financial support.
So I didn't.
I raised him entirely on my own. Looking back, if I could do it all again, I'd get that fucking child support because the only person that suffers is the kid . He never went without because I have a good income. But it could have been better with a bit extra for other things he needed .
My son and his father are in each other's lives now in these last few yrs. My son asked him if he would consider buying a cheap car for him. He was told no. The Dad got away with 18yrs of support, and this maggot still said no.
He earns about the same as me. He can afford it.
I so wish I had of just did it right and legal from the start and have CSA collect for us.
Your partner created a child weather he wanted it or not. weather it's fair or not. Weather it's right or not. It's the law. Two ppl create a baby so those two ppl should look after the childs' needs.
Or don't have sex and blindly trust that the other person is protected. A condom would have been an extra precaution if he was really serious.
It's unfortunate but he still helped created that kid. It's still his responsibility no matter what the logistics are. It's a person we are talking about here, not a handbag.
Well, two things are skewed. You don’t know she lied and tricked him. Pregnancy happens, he had sex unprotected, he made a baby.
And they’re not taking money for a 21 year old kid, he’s backpaying his debt for his child.
I think there is no excuse on your husbands part for getting her pregnant. I hear this story or the time. She told me she was on the pill. I’m sorry if you have unprotected sex in a 2 month relationship you may either get pregnant or get an std and we all know the risks. So yes it sucks but it is what it is and he did what he did. That part is not all on her. I do believe there also should be a pill for men, so they can have control over these situations.
Aside from all this child support shouldn’t be taking money now. If she could claim from day one and lied to centrelink, where are her penalties.? Is she made to pay money back? This part, I don’t agree on and she should be punished.
Paying child support at 21 is ridiculous.
Maybe though your partner could think long and hard about meeting him amd forming a relationship with him. After all this isn’t the child’s fault.
Good luck trying to fight child support.
I read it wrong so if it’s back pay yes they are entitled to it.
I think the lie was the mum telling centrelink she didn't know who the father was so they didn't cut her payments for centrelink because he didn't want to be on the birth certificate. Then she must have changed her mind at 7 which clearly has annoyed OP and her husband because he then needed to pay child support. He must have been trying really hard to not pay child support all these years to have such a big debt, that's not due to the mum lying that's their own fault. Must have thought the debt was going to magically disappear when the boy became an adult lol.
Of course it annoyed OP. How do you change your mind after 7 years. I'm not asking if child support is right or wrong I'm asking how do you change your mind after 7 years and 'remember' who the child's father is when you told centreline you didn't know before? Where are mens rights? He wants the baby and I don't, man has no say it's my body. I want the baby and he doesn't, also no say it's my body. Have a child break up and then not allowed to see the child every time ex is mad at you, no say still pay Cs. Have a child fully involved pay school fees ect for catholic school, find out 6 years later not counted as Cs because fees were in grand dads name because ex doesn't talk to you but you were paying it. The system is very very skewed towards the woman and its not fair.
Of course it annoyed OP. How do you change your mind after 7 years. I'm not asking if child support is right or wrong I'm asking how do you change your mind after 7 years and 'remember' who the child's father is when you told centreline you didn't know before? Where are mens rights? He wants the baby and I don't, man has no say it's my body. I want the baby and he doesn't, also no say it's my body. Have a child break up and then not allowed to see the child every time ex is mad at you, no say still pay Cs. Have a child fully involved pay school fees ect for catholic school, find out 6 years later not counted as Cs because fees were in grand dads name because ex doesn't talk to you but you were paying it. The system is very very skewed towards the woman and its not fair.
Maybe she felt since he was supporting all these other kids that maybe he could support his own? Maybe things got financially tough and the child was going without? This is not the problem anyway because he should have been on there from the start. Going by all your examples which can't have been from the 21 year old because he's had nothing to do with him, sounds like he's had a lot of issues with the eldest that you're blaming all on bio mum. Have a really good look at your husband.
Also how does it take 6 years to notice the fees weren't counted as child support? Was he not paying cs all that time?
Maybe they are made to work after this amount of time and lose money.
? She has prob done it for her financial Gain. Really sad when the child isn’t out first and thought of how it would affect the child. they shouldn’t be able to decide after 7 years to get child support. I agree.
Getting child support to help raise them is putting the child first.
Exactly.
Look at what you wrote. "Really sad when the child isn't put first"? How have you decided it is the mum that's selfish here and not the Dad? How does your brain work? Receiving cs to provide for your child is not selfish at all. Obviously he never paid much so I don't think she was rolling in it.
Or you could see it as...she let him off the hook for the first seven years, how lucky were they?
She didn't just "change her mind".
Per your post, she gave him one last chance of being a part of his child's life and dad rejected that.
So she thought, stuff you, if you can't be a parent to your child, you can damn well pay.
She didn't want him back in her life, as much as your jealousy/insecurities tell you that, she wanted her child to have a father.
This last stitch effort may have been due to you having a child and her son now having a new sibling.
She may have thought dad might have seen the error of his ways, having a newborn.
Just an edit on this. I do feel bad for this boy and I've asked several times my SO thoughts on it. I was always open to him being in our lives if dad wanted it but he didn't. We currently have a blended family of 4 kids I felt that this boy was missing out on his siblings both half and step but it's not up to me. I always said I had no part in the making of him I have my opinions but it's not my decision
And I'm sure "your opinions" were strong and had an impact on your partner's decisions.
One day, and yes the time will come, where your partner has to explain to his child why he had nothing to do with him and why he tried so hard to dodge helping financially.
They might even reconcile and your partner will remember your strong opinions....
I am sure you are open to it, as long as dad isn't.
The 7 years she can't claim, from memory they only go back 3 months from when claim is made.
So since she started claiming, he must have done everything in his power not to pay.
You say he changed jobs a lot for this big debt, you're as bad as he is.
In that case he must owe the other child as well, is that other child part of the 150?
For the record, that mum doesn’t get anything extra from Centrelink by putting name on the certificate. She did that to protect the child and herself while dad didn’t want anything to do with them, and maybe as child grew she decided the name should be on there. All of that is beside the point, he was always the dad and he always knew he was.
Yes, maybe for the child's own self-esteem, she doesn't want his BC to say father unknown.
But it's all a big inconvenience for the OP, no consideration to the child (or as she affectionately refers to him as "kid").
It's all about the money.
He hit the opposite of the parent jackpot when he got these two as parents.
I hope he rises above it all and lives a great life.
Wouldn't it be justice if he grew up to be famous and incredibly wealthy.
Then I bet daddy crawls out of the woodwork.
She probably would gain at that age because she would be made to go to work when her child is at school.
Her status for parenting payment has nothing to do with his name being on birth cert
I'm pretty sure if you have a debt after the child turns 18 the receiving parent can choose to wipe it if they want. I'm glad she didn't. She's had to support this child by herself all these years and he thought he could just get out of it if he waited long enough. Goes to show if he was more supportive of his child she may have been more lenient. How funny when the tables turn.
The receiving parent cannot chose to wipe the debt when the child turns 18y when CSA are collecting payments, the debt is to the commonwealth and when repaid to CSA the receiving parent will then receive money they should have received whilst the child was under 18y. Child support debts if collected by private arrangement are up to the receiving parent to enforce repayment, so are not wiped but enforcement is the issue.
To have a significant debt the father in this case must have been well behind on child support payments - which would have affected both his children from prior relationships if both were receiving child support via CSA collect. The argument that he was out of work or changed jobs doesn’t fly as he can update his income via estimate for those instances.
Also, has your tiny hateful brain ever considered she was actually on the pill when she conceived?
My mum conceived me on the pill.
Sometimes its forgotten, being sick renders it ineffective etc.
But that isn't consistent with your narrative that she's evil and that you are justified in turning your back on the child and not paying your mandated child support.
I stopped taking the pill the day I found out I was pregnant with my second.
The post even said she DIDN'T want the baby, so is this consistent with someone who planned and tricked someone into getting pregnant? "Upfront about not wanting it but had no choice".
ops whole story is one giant LIE.
The whole thing.
The mother wanted him to be involved, tried three times and three times he slammed the door in her face, along with OP who was with him 2 minutes.
My god, what a low life pair of scum.
The chickens are coming home to roost, hope he is paying child support for the rest of his life.
How many weeks was she when she came knocking on the door? I assume by keeping it you mean not having an abortion. 22 years ago for that to be an option she would have been less than 12 weeks? Did he break up with her and move straight in with you?
Either OP or this woman was the "other woman", I bet.
Why would she try and get him back into her life AFTER 7 YEARS if they were together only 2 months?
None of this makes sense.
If your partner is a really good dad, as seen by him still having the other child in his life and you have forbidden him from being a part of this other child's life due to an affair, he will resent you.
That resentment will build, but he will end up doing the right thing and this will end very badly for you, as it should.
I 100% do not have a problem with women making the decisions over their own body.
He didn't pay his CS support when it was due so is still paying it now.
It's not rocket science.
If you don't pay your phone bill, sell the phone and buy a new one you still gotta pay the bill for the last phone.
A debt is a debt is a debt.
He fucked her, they made a baby and he decided to not pay the bill back then.
For starters if you don't want a baby then use protection. Condoms not only reduce the chance of pregnancy but also stds. Birth certificate paperwork must be signed by both parents if father to be listed if not married well it was when I had a baby. Regardless of if he didn't want the baby he is still responsible for the child because he chose to not wear a condom. Child support isn't for the mother but for the child and is paid in arrears for the month meaning it's reimbursement for what's already been spent on the child like food, housing and clothing. Absolutely he should pay child support because not seeing a child doesn't take away the basic needs of a child that he created. I personally have an exemption for child support but that's for safety issues.
Your partner is a scum bag who has told you a load of bullshit about this women. And your a complete moron because you bought it. The story you told is laughable. I can't believe someone would be so stupid as to believe this load of shit. You two idiots deserve each other.
What a joke. You have a problem with the system because your partner has to pay what he legally owes. He didn't pay like a decent person would have and he still owes it. How hard it that to understand. I paid what i owed on time and I don't have a debt to pay off now my child is over 18. Amazing how it works isn't it!
Just because you were too stupid to claim CS doesn't mean none else is allowed to. Get over yourself.
You are both horrible people and should be ashamed of yourselves. I hope karma catches up with both of you very soon.
Do that 21 year old a favour and fuck right off out of his life forever.
Regardless of she wanted the child he didn't, whatever.... you have unprotected sex you take the risk. The point is there is a human you created, step up and be a parent, given your children have been walked out on by their father surely you can see that is not the decent thing to do. The kid didn't choose to be bought into the world, but he chose to have sex so own your responsibilities.
Oh honey, quit being so stupid.
If he didn't want a child he should have worn a condom! The pill isn't 100% effective, neither are condoms. The only way to not have a baby is to NOT have sex.
He chose to be a deadbeat and walk away, he made this baby too. He should pay for this child and I'm glad the government is talking money from him still. He has 7 years of payments to catch up on!
My husband got a letter after his son turned 18. He owed money for CS as visitation arrangements had changed with us getting him less but CS wasn't notified by either parents. So hubby owed his ex money. Did he pay it? Yes of course he did. Was he angry? Yes, but at himself for not contacting CS when things had changed.
It is not the child's fault and your husband is not a great father. To not recognise one of his children, no matter how that child came to be, is the definition of a bad parent
My ex didn't pay child support for my 4 children. He had full access to them - I would never deny my kids their dad just because he a is finacial loser!!
Regardless of whether the birth conrol failed or she deceived him, at the end of the day a human was born and he didn't choose rejection or financial instability.
I provided them with everything they needed. That resulted in putting off saving for my future, paying my mortgage earlier and making any kind of financial gain for retirement as there just wasn't enough money for both.
If the mother his SON has been waiting for financial assistance from his FATHER during the time when she needed it to raise him I have no doubt she was unable to put away or save for her future either.
Therefore the money he owes her now is valid and she is entitled to it - he is just paying her back for neglecting his responsibilities to his son when she scrapped together the funds to raise him.
Your partner can be a less human for choosing to deny his son - yes my father did this also, I am 56 years old now and still hurt due to not being good enough for his love - but the very least he can do is pay back the woman who gave him the best she could.
Your son should wear a Condom next time! Not right that she lied however the child is here and it’s still his responsibility. I’m actually more judging your son for wanting nothing to do with it. Shit happens and she might be horrible but how can you turn your back on the kid. She’s entitled to child support. Get over it. I would focus on encouraging your son to be a man and a father to the kid. Forgot about the circumstances of how the child got here. Not it’s fault.
It's not her son, it's her partner.
Read the post.
How awful for your partner facing consequences for his actions, must be tough.
I feel sorry for the SON ‘kid’, ‘this kid’.
Tricked or not a child is born and with that so are financial responsibilities
Just because you decided to not “chase” child support doesn’t alter the fact that you could have
They are not paying for child support of a 21 yo they are paying for unpaid child support that was not paid
Imagine if you actually found yourself a single mum AND IN NEED OF MONEY to afford to look after your child
It doesn’t matter if she did or didn’t have enough money in your opinion
No I have never received child support