My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have 3 children.
I have a very close group of girlfriends that I have known for 10+ years (we met at a playgroup when our children were young). Around once a month (or on special occasions) we get together and go out for dinner, drinks/dancing or just general catch ups. Maybe once a year we might go for a girls weekend away. We are all married with children.
My husband has always been very judgemental and unsupportive of the fact that I have a social life with these women, always referring to them as my 'party friends.' He does not have many friends, only acquaintances really, has had friends in the past but has lost touch with them and is a bit of a loner that prefers to stay at home rather than go out. Obviously I am a very social person and very much treasure my amazing friendship with these ladies and always have a great time with them. It's my 'me-time' and gives me a break away from the every day chaos every now and again, as we all need sometimes!
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to go out and enjoy myself with my friends? I feel like I am in the wrong because he has told me that married women with children shouldn't feel the need to do that. Every time an event comes up I feel sick to my stomach and anxious about discussing it with him because I know it's going to turn into a fight. Obviously he never stops me from going, but there's always drama surrounding it.
I am in my thirties and he is in his late forties so I don't know if it is an age difference issues, a jealousy issue or if I am just being unreasonable?
I work full time, I run a household and spend most of my free time running around after my 3 kids (aged 15, 11 & 3). It's not like I'm going out every weekend, as I said it's maybe once a month at the most or if a special occasion eg. Birthday arises. He has actually come out with us a couple of times but didn't enjoy it and went home early.
Any advice or points of view would be much appreciated. Thank you
12 Replies
He's not stopping you from going so I don't think its a jealousy or controlling issue, it sounds like he's a bit of a man baby and not communicating his issues properly. My partner is the sociable one of both of us, I'm the loner. He goes to the pub once a week, I used to go too but its just not my thing so I stay home. I love going to things that don't really rely on social skills like shows, movies etc where you don't need to be loud and hilarious to have fun. He is nearly 50 and I am early 40s so I don't think its an age thing just a personality thing. Do you ever go out and do something he wants to do? I know you said he's come along with you some nights but I don't think going along to your wifes girl night is going to be enjoyable for any guy. Ask him what he wants to do and make a habit of a date night.
I had a friend with a similar situation. I think her husband was angry she had a life outside him, because he didn't have friends of his own my DH never really liked him, but tried). It eventually turned into subtle (to her) control of her life. I remember her on the phone crying she couldn't come to a simple girls' dinner (no alcohol or clubs) because he was being an arse about it.
I think you need to discuss with him what his issue is, and explain why the nights out are important. Clear the air. Do not start giving in. My now ex friend is very lonely after letting him get control 'for a easy life'.
You are definitely not being unreasonable! I think he’s being unreasonable by saying that just because you’re married you can’t have friends and enjoy time for yourself! That’s absurd! I think it’s important for your children to see you enjoying time for yourself with your friends, I feel it’s healthy and should he encouraged. If I’m starting to feel flat and run down because of work house kids etc my husband says you need to organise a dinner or movie night out with your girlfriends! He knows it fills my cup, just like his occasional boys night fills his. I have friends who are married to men like your husband and they ended up very depressed as they felt they could no longer go out because their husbands made them feel so lousy it wasn’t worth it. Don’t end up like them please!
Keep your friendships and outings but make sure you are putting equal effort into spending quality time with hubby. He may be an introvert but still enjoy special one on one time say going out to dinner etc.
Do not give up your friends or those things which help you to get through the daily grind
This is opposite in my married. I'm 50 and very outgoing. Hubby is 37 and a homebody .
So he's the authority on how every married woman with kids should feel? Does he stop there or is he also the master in single mothers? Married childless women? Single childless women?
When someone tells you who they are (and it comes up in instances like this, they don't flat out say "I'm a shit human being") BELIEVE THEM.
Stamp this out now, he should not be telling you what you should feel like doing, he should not be making you feel bad for what is a very normal activity for many, and you should not be anxious to even mention it out loud.
If after this discussion, next month is back to same old same old, boot him out.
He's either dense and needs to seek support to control his thinking process (which is not on you to organise for him) or it's deliberate and he will continue to wear you down.
My husband has never stopped me and I get pretty . I dance with my male friends go out with male friends. He knows them and he trusts me. If he tried to stop me then I’d be out. Of course I could compromise but I won’t be controlled in any way what do ever. I also never stop him. But he never wants to go out. I’ve stayed at males friends houses also when drunk. Other end of the house and usually with another female friend but there is no way I’d cheat. I love it that he encouraged me and trusts me. Another man is def not on my radar. Don’t stop doing what you love. It’s your time out for you. Enjoy it. Explain to him and keep going have fun. Mumma
It just sounds like you're different..to be honest I am quite introverted and I made sure to marry a fellow introvert as I have dated extroverts and it was too much for me to handle. Personally for me I feel once a month is too much to hang out with a group of friends. But I don't think it's wrong for someone else to do. Hopefully you both can figure it out...also I'm 32 and my husband is 51 and we're both introverted so it's got nothing to do with age imo.
This is coercive control. It's where he doesn't tell you that you can't go, he just makes it so difficult and shitty when you do go, that you stop.
So then you're alienated from your support network and you just sit at home with him forever because you have no other option.
Stamp this out HARD. Before you end up giving in & losing yourself just because it's all too hard.
Spot on! This exactly how gradual isolation occurs!
This is also why emotional abuse can be really tricky because it's not always super obvious like name calling or yelling etc. It can be subtle, calm and quietly manipulative.
Abusive/controlling people will very carefully plant a seed of self doubt intended to make you feel you're doing something wrong so you eventually bend to their will - his little jab about mothers/wives not behaving like this is a PERFECT example of that.
You are totally being reasonable wanting to have friends and me time, this is his issue. Book in for a session or 2 of couples counseling so he can hear it from another side!
Some people have a hard time making friends appearing to the social person as a loner
Maybe help your husband get couple friends you can both socialize with and then he won’t be so unsupportive of yours