I’ve been married for 12 years and together for 19 years ( started dating at 16 years old), we have 3 daughters between 10-16 years old.
We have had our ups and downs over the years but have always resolved our problem’s however yesterday at breakfast I asked our teenage daughter a question in regards to a school sport training that she didn’t want to go to and I said just remember you made a commitment to the team and my husband thought I was looking for an argument with our daughter so he raised his voice at me and I calmly explained I wasn’t looking for a fight just informing her of the commitment she made and she agreed. He then preceded to tell me that he wants a divorce as he hasn’t been happy for months.
We have been having a few issues with our teenage daughter not listening and not behaving and I’m the parent who give’s the discipline to the kids as he believes that if you let it go and say whatever life with the kids would be easier and then we won’t fight.
When he came home from work I asked would he go and speak to a councillor to help work out our problems and his response was he would go but if they are going to make him change the way he parents then there is no point as I’m the one needed to change and then that will make him happy as we won’t fight then.
He got a new job in January which he loves and we were told there would be travel involved every 6 months for just a week, well since January he has been travelling every second week for a week at a time.
I don’t know what I’m asking I just needed to get this off my chest
13 Replies
Sounds like he's having an affair sorry. I'd be questioning the travel and see if you can confirm he is traveling for work or if he's staying elsewhere. It sounds like he's using whatever excuse he can for a divorce
How does that sound like an affair?
Only being home every second week when he was told it would be once every 6 months...I would be checking that with his work.
Different commenter: Some women are so oblivious to red flags (not saying it's certain) it's scary.
Referring to the other commenter, not the OP, such a stupid question.
Not oblivious at all, I've been cheated on twice and know the signs. I also know what some jobs are like, especially new ones that you can't quite stamp your foot down yet and say no because you go into the job telling them your availability. If they said "sometimes go away" and he said "absolutely not a problem" just to get the job then he kind of has to be available. Theres also a worker shortage, maybe things had changed. Surely OP would notice the difference between a work away pay and a normal pay that has suspicious transactions on the second weeks.
It sounds like you're putting "being right" in front of the happiness of your household and its causing a lot of stress. 16 is old enough to decide if they want to do sports or not, deciding not to shouldn't be viewed as not behaving or not listening. This is her life, she's almost an adult let her make some choices for herself. I always wonder what authoritative parents do when their kids turn 18, are you just suddenly going to stop doing it? How do they learn to make their own decisions if they've never had to do it? Learning to communicate with your child and letting them have some control over things that affect them is not letting them do what they want, its preparing them for the real world. As for wanting the divorce, you can't expect him to change to suit you especially if he's the one wanting the divorce. He's made up his mind and obviously been thinking about it for a while. Get some counselling for yourself and get some legal advice about assets, split and kids.
I think calling it authoritative parenting is a bit harsh.
She's not forcing her child to do sports or even go to training, just reminding her daughter that she chose to make that commitment to others and should honour it, not just decide she didn't feel like going today.
I think it's a good thing. Too many people I know just don't bother to fulfill their commitments because they don't feel like it & leave others high & dry.
If she's not forcing then why does it end in an argument with her daughter and then an argument with her husband? It sounds ongoing not a once off.
It didn't end in an argument with her daughter. OP said the daughter agreed with her, then said separately her daughter was not behaving well overall. She's a teen. Pretty normal.
I can't comment on the husband. I don't know his motivation. It sounds like he doesn't want to parent at all tbh but I'm not there. I know my husband picked a parenting fight tonight, because he, who is rarely even home, thinks I parent the wrong way (his whole family is like this) because I wasn't cruel ( like his mother was).
We really don't know but I'm an advocate for teaching responsibility because too many people don't care anymore about commitment.
Teaching responsibility is a good thing. If your daughter took on too much and wasn't coping I'd say let her on drop out. But otherwise, she can be responsible and remember how she wasn't super keen on the sport next season when she is deciding whether to sign up or not. I see nothing authoritative about this conversation. It sounds like the dad internalised the comment and reacted because he is thinking about walking away from the commitment he made to his wife and children. Let's not blame the OP.
Is it the daughter taking too much on or the mother forcing her to take too much on? There wouldn't be this much tension if there was choice to begin with.
Let him go. Would you want him knowing he doesn't want to be with you?
You know and your gut is screaming it at you. Everything in what you wrote suggests he is looking for a reason and he's decided to blame you so he does not have to feel bad or own any responsibility. The end of what you wrote e.g he is frequently travelling away and "I dont know what Im asking" is where your truth hides. Please trust your intuition!!! Xx