I’ll try to keep this short. I think I feel in love with the potential of someone, and the big words, not the reality.
12 years in, I’ve always worked and been the proactive side when it comes to money, household, parenthood.
I’ve just lived the last few weeks of him having colon pain, acting like he thinks it’s cancer, so stopping everything including quitting his new job and being an adult. To only have a colonoscopy recently to be told they can’t find anything, it’s likely just a bacterial infection that’s resolved.
Prior to this, he’s lived his past 7 years of telling everyone he broke his back in his last job, when it wasn’t even a bulging disc, they said a possible bulge. Using this as a reason to not get a job, and not take the fitness test at work citing his back, despite being able to bench press 100kg at the gym.
Today it hit Me.
I feel like if he can find a way to do nothing, he will.
But he has no problem spending money on a body builder PT. And Xbox games.
Help.
What does a good partner of 12 years marriage look like to you?
6 Replies
It looks like a team.
You don't have a team member, you have a parasite.
Question is, will it look the same after 13 years?
Yep you’ve got yourself a man-child parasite - had one of those for 14 years. They will look for any excuse not to work or do anything and sit around all day being looked after and supported in every way by you. Hard to get them to work but if you can do that then there’s a good start. You need to start very slowly separating yourself from him to protect yourself or he will wear you down until you have burnout. Get your own bank account - keep the joint one for joint expenses like mortgage, school fees etc - but have your own he can’t touch. Even better is to have a secret cash stash somewhere. Make a list of all the things you do every day and one for things he does. You likely do most of the home/kids things - so sit down with him and work out which things he can take over from your list to even things out.. He will never change and will likely get worse as he gets older - but doing the above two things for a start will alleviate your workload at least. Remember to keep up your friendships and family relationships - you’re gunna need them - and spend your time with your kids they’re the most important thing!
Yep you’ve got yourself a man-child parasite - had one of those for 14 years. They will look for any excuse not to work or do anything and sit around all day being looked after and supported in every way by you. Hard to get them to work but if you can do that then there’s a good start. You need to start very slowly separating yourself from him to protect yourself or he will wear you down until you have burnout. Get your own bank account - keep the joint one for joint expenses like mortgage, school fees etc - but have your own he can’t touch. Even better is to have a secret cash stash somewhere. Make a list of all the things you do every day and one for things he does. You likely do most of the home/kids things - so sit down with him and work out which things he can take over from your list to even things out.. He will never change and will likely get worse as he gets older - but doing the above two things for a start will alleviate your workload at least. Remember to keep up your friendships and family relationships - you’re gunna need them - and spend your time with your kids they’re the most important thing!
My partner of 17 years looks like my best friend, the one I want to spend most of my time with. He works hard so I can be a stay at home mum to our 5 and 3 year olds.
He helps with the kids and the house works.
He would never quit his job, he is our provider
Like mine. Who works his butt off and nearly brings me to tears with how supportive he is. He knows I struggle especially because my first was an abusive ahole. He worked so hard when dating to prove to me I could trust him. It's taken a whole lot of consistency over a long time for me to let any walls down. He still shocks me when he tells me I do not have to flog myself at work as I'm not used to relying on/trusting anyone and thought I needed to work two jobs. He grounds me when I freak out and think I have to make everything perfect. Still residual trauma from that ex of mine so many years later. Honestly, I am so grateful I was brave enough to leave because I would not have found the man I have now 🙏
My husband of 20 years does everything. He worships the ground I walk on, works so hard for his family, cooks, cleans, does washing. When the kids were little he’d get up with them in the mornings so I could sleep in on the weekends. He will do anything to make me happy. You my dear, have a dud. You deserve better. Don’t put up with it for one day longer.