When I was very young, my mother made an allegation against her older sister and used it as an excuse to cut ties with her. The last time I saw my cousins, I was about 4. I didn't understand at the time and even though for a few years after, my aunt sent birthday and Christmas presents, my mother was not kind or supportive in any type of relationship between families. She was quite frankly and will always be a drama queen, spiteful, vindictive and manipulative.
It's the same with all her siblings and some family members. Anyone my mother felt slighted her just a little, disagreed with her, looked at her with crossed eyes, she wrote them off. She caused significant drama, arguments, chaos and pretended she was innocent. When people started to challenge her, she would act like the victim. It was never HER fault or if she did something, it was only because YOU did something bigger to hurt her.
I don't trust her, with anything. I've made it clear that her behaviour has cost her relationships and that her relationships with her daughters are varied in terms of trauma. When she argues that she grew up worse and she was trying not to do the same to her daughters, I told her that was not a good enough excuse for the trauma she's put on her own children. Her children are entitled to a trauma free start and because of her behaviour, she has chosen to be abusive and toxic towards them and she should be responsible for that as an adult because children do not choose their parents. Their parents choose to have their children.
I'd like to reconnect with my cousins. I can't ask my mother for surname spellings. I haven't got any photos of them. I just remember first names, blond hair and a few other details.
I don't think my mother knowing is a good idea either.
I've looked on Facebook but it's like looking for a tiny grain of sound mixed in already set concrete. I haven't seen these people since I was 4, it's been almost 40 years.
I'd like to know my mother's side of the family without it being tarnished and morphed into someone else's perception.
Where do I start?
2 Replies
Maybe try Ancestry DNA. My friend had a father she hadn't seen in 30 years & found two new half siblings and tracked a cousin she'd been cut of from by her toxic mother, through some distant family connection her DNA flagged.
Or, if you know where they lived you could put a call out on the local areas FB community page. I see it all the time locally, sometimes with very few details.
Good luck. I hope you find your family.
Join local FB pages if you know where they have lived and post as much detail as you can. Someone will probably know them.