Hi there, not really sure what time doing or if i should post this but here I go. Im not sure if it because i never got closer.
When i was 15 (now 36) i meet a guy he was also 15 at a dance party we lived in different suburbs and was about 30mins between each other house anyway at the end if the night we got each other phone numbers, and we started dating everything was great my parents were keen on us staying out each others house but i would lie to my parents and stay there. His mum and partner (was apparently at police officer) and his little brother lived there but i never meet the step dad whole I visited. Anyway after about 6 months we decided to have sex and we did so for a few months until he turned 16. And the day after he turned 16 he phoned to say that we can no longer see each other cause his step dad had found out that we where having sex and that if he continued seeing me that his step dad would take him to the police station and have him charged with having sex with a minor cause i was still 15 and he was 16. The call ended and his home phone number was disconnected and they moved. I was absolutely heart broken as my life turned upside down. I have had 3 long term reactions since then and now are happily married with 3 beautiful children. I definitely dont wanna rock my boat at home, husband already suffers anxiety, depression & PTSD. But i guess im trying to say that i have always thought of this person in the back of my mind, i have tried stalking on FB but no luck for years until recently when he appeared, but im not sure if it’s because he was also trying to find me but one minute it was there and next thing he added me on FB, I accepted the request and have now sussed out his page and I reckon he has done the same but no words have been spoken between us. I really wanna make contact and have a chat with him and ask if what happened actually was correct all those years ago or it was something else. I definitely dont wanna be with him i love my husband dearly. But i think i still dont have closure. On the other hand im not sure what my husband would say either, if i tell him he will probably have a huge issue with it and think that im going to leave him, which im definitely not going to do. If anyone has any advice please help.
21 Replies
I don't think it will hurt to message and see how he's going. It's natural to be curious about someone you cared about that you no longer have contact with and it was especially hard before social media when you never did find out what happened to people. I left my school and state adbruptly in the 90's and I thought about my friends etc and what they were up to for years until I joined fb. It's ok to ask and be curious just be very aware that neither of you are the same people as you were back then and to keep communication as strictly old friends wanting to know what each other is up to. Don't blur the boundaries.
Send him a message why not. You aren’t interested in him. You are happily married. It’s not like you are looking to hook up with him or anything. His step dad did right thing at the time. Don’t tell your husband. He doesn’t need to know, there is nothing in it. Don’t cause stress and doubt in your husband for nothing. If the messages start to get awkward then you wish him well and you have your closure to move on.
I would let it go. Respect your husband. Doing it and not telling him is disrespectful, and is doing it and telling him worth his pain and anguish? I hope not, just let it go
I don’t tell my husband who I message. We are in a marriage but he doesn’t need to know who I message and what I do every second. I am doing nothing wrong and don’t need to explain everything I do. She doesn’t like him. Different if she was being sneaky but it’s innocent message.
Different commenter:
Consciously and deliberately keeping things from your husband is different to living your everyday life without telling him the details.
There is a big difference.
Humans have a way of justifying anything in their own minds..
Do you consider for days and write into a forum about messaging those other people?
Have you stalked them for years?
Lol true 😂
Yes true, I do agree with this from your point of view.
If her messaging someone she knew as teenager to find out the truth of a situation from back then courses the husband pain and anguish he has serious issues and shouldn't take it out on her
An ex she has been trying to find on fb for twenty years.
There's more to this, imagine your hubby looking for an ex on fb for 20 years, how would you feel?
This isn't a cut and dry situation, no matter how you portray it.
We don't always get the answers we want in life, so sometimes you need to create your own closure by choosing to let it go and by choosing to move on.
This was a teen romance that occurred 20 years ago and you're now happily married. You have to ask yourself why it even matters anymore.
I can't see anything but drama coming from this and I think messaging your ex boyfriend secretly (as some here have suggested) is a pretty shady thing to do.
Let the past stay in the past.
I'd just leave it. It was over half your lifetime ago. He probably doesn't even remember the situation the same you do anyway and you may not get the closure you are after regardless. It sounds like it would upset your husband if he found out so why risk it?
When I'm unhappy in a relationship, I start looking in the past.
However, you've been looking the whole time, stalking on fb for years.
You need to do something or you will never let this go.
You have this fantasy idea of this guy and always will until you see him as the ordinary guy he is.
Does he live locally?
Does he have a partner?
Could you invite them over for dinner with your husband?
I think if you secretly message him, the fantasy will grow because he will most likely say all the right things.
I feel like you need to see him flesh and blood, hear him speak, see him as he really is.
Hopefully he's overweight and bald with an obnoxious personality lol
This is very true. He does not live local we both have moved out of that area he lives now a few hours away. I definitely wouldnt be inviting him over. He doesnt have a partner from what i can see.
He isnt bald or over weight, pretty much looks the same just a little older really.
I think it can’t hurt to message him. Be transparent with your hubby as well, then there is no sneaking around and it’s all done with honesty
Just leave it.
I had this whirlwind romance when I was younger. Do I think of him sometimes, yes. Would I seek him out and contact him if I am happy where I am, absolutely not. I consider this like poking the sleeping bear. Leave it be.
What would knowing this information mean to you... how would it change anything?? I think you have your closure, you broke up. It does not matter the reason, it was done when you were 15.
Respect your marriage and your husband and do not probe anywhere there are possibly still romantic feelings. The excitement if this guy is interested again would lead somewhere unpleasant and he is not the same person he was at 16. This is not a good idea.
I feel like the issue here isn't that you want to reach out and find the truth about a situation from the past that's completely normal and absolutely not doing anything wrong but that your husband would freakout over something so little and you are walking on eggshells because of it is not ok. I get that he has mental health stuff but that doesn't mean you have to bare the weight of it or be his emotional punching bag.
If you're Facebook friends, sure ask but your don't want to hurt your husband. So asking that means you know it will.
It might be important to you but he probably was telling the truth and it's not a far fetched story. It sounds like his parents put him into a situation and he was a kid. You both were, his parents probably didn't want you both having sex.
My teen has a girlfriend and now, the attitude is "as long as they're safe..." I educate my son and have respectful relationship with him. But when I was a teen, it was frowned upon. Sex before marriage, promise rings, some idiot signed me up for a teen Christian magazine that discussed teen morality.
It's a shame but it sounds like the adults in his life were the ones to shame him.
It's traumatic and sometimes just knowing they are present is enough. Leave it in the past.
You are happily married. Delete your childhood sweetheart and forget about it. Especially if you know your husband would be upset (I’d be upset if I was him and knew my wife was thinking of another man) As a 15 year old boy his brain wasn’t fully developed and the feelings you had were probably very different to yours.