My kids are very aware nan is dying. She has end stage liver cancer. They have been lucky to have never had to say goodbye to any one like this. My kids are 8, 10,12 and 14. I don't think they quite understand just what's happening even though iv been keeping them up to date as age appropriately as I can. Mum has days to maybe a fortnight, depending on if she can remain hydrated, but she's struggling to keep any fluids down. I don't know what to do. Do I take them now to say their goodbyes, or do I take them when it's time for mum to pass. Do I try to keep their routine as normal as possible, or do I give them a week off school. My mental health is a right mess, how am I meant to support my kids through this when I'm struggling to maintain my own sanity.
8 Replies
I think it’s best to do what you think and feel is right. Taking them to see her now may be a good idea if she is deteriorating quick, then they have at least seen her. Else you will always question yourself over it and may regret not taking them to see her. Then you can leave it up to them if they can cope going back to see her. When the time comes they are old enough to know if they want to be there with you to say good bye. It also may cheer your mum up seeing them now. Such a sad situation to be in. I feel for you and your babies.
Also take them off school. School can wait. Right now your family is the most important thing and having them home with you will probably help comfort you and comfort for them.
My daughter was 6 when my mum died from pancreatic cancer, so a bit younger than yours. One thing I'm really greatful for is that she got to see her the weekend before she died and mum was relatively perky, they went for a little walk, read stories and chatted. A lovely final time together. Personally I don't think it's necessary to have kids present right when the time comes, let them not have that as their final memory.
My MIL passed last year. Kids, 6&9 were quite close to her.
My husband told me he was glad he took the kids a week before she passed. The last stages were very confronting and upsetting, even for DH. Not something he wanted the kids to be traumatised by seeing. She was mostly unconscious near the end as well, so consider taking them while she can still respond in some way.
Afterwards, we had to get the kids trauma counselling. Our eldest was very upset, talking about wanting to die to go and see his grandmother. Thankfully it was just wanting to see her, not actually wanting to die.
We gave the kids the next day off school to process (it was a Friday). No way they would have been ok to go. We sent them back Monday but the school was kept up to date so knew to call if the kids weren't coping. They were fine but definitely needed a lot of support. I think knowing it was ok to not soldier on, and being able to grieve in their own way was probably the best mental health support they had.
Really, you need to just follow what your kids, and you, need.
My grandpa died from cancer when I was 11. My mum took my brothers and I in to see him a few weeks before he died. Knowing it was to say goodbye was extremely difficult and I’m not sure how grandpa felt watching his grandkids trying not to cry. I often wonder if we all would have been better off knowing it wasn’t to say goodbye.
My Dad passed away last year from cancer. My kids are a lot younger than yours but I made a special point, every time we left Dad, to make sure the kids gave him a hug and said goodbye and we often talked about how we did it because we don’t know when the last time we get to say goodbye is. I wouldn’t take them when it is their last moments. You need that time for you.
As to what to do after - wait until the time comes. I didn’t know that I wanted to be the one to tell my kids until Dad died. The day dad died we spent the day as a family; my mum, brothers, partners and kids and that night my mum, brothers and I spent with my Dads brothers and sisters and their partners. Between the grief and organising the funeral I relied heavily on those around me to help with kids. None of those things were planned - it is just what felt right at the time.
Take them now. Let them have nice memories of your mum and not the other. Try to keep their routine (unless they are struggling) as school is a nice distraction and you need to look after yourself during this time.
We lost four family members, both my parents a sister and baby over the space of 5 years. I was a wreck. Kids tend to live in the moment and they did express things but they handled it better than I did. Right now you need to look after you, so you are able to continue to look after them xx
It has been 9 days since you posted so I hope you are doing ok. There is no right or wrong and doing what feels intrinsically right for you and the children will be what you end up doing - everyone copes differently in times of loss. While death can be confronting but it is a natural part of life that I believe children should be a part of.
I don't know how far you have to travel to visit nan but it she is close then I would say visit as often as you can or as often as the children would like to. It could be that they want to visit the house but not the room, it could be that they want to visit just long enough to have a quick look and be satisfied that their nan is still alive, or that they want to sit with her for a period of time.
My children have lost grandparents at ages 4y and 7y and then again at ages 8y, 15y, & 18y, they visited every day while they were each in decline and shortly after death (both times within 90 minutes). My children would carry on business as usual when they visited. Played games, chatted as per usual even if their person could not respond. We told them that each time they visited may be the last time they saw them, the only question they had would be how would they know they had died and where not just sleeping or unconscious - our simple answer was the bits that make them sparkle won't be there. When they arrived after their person had died they could tell that the sparkle had gone. After death they continued to visit their person daily until the funeral.
Being part of the process makes things less 'scary'.
Take care and be kind to yourself during this time as it can be very stressful.
I am a palliative care nurse and there truly is no right or wrong way to do things. You know your children best and I suggest you do what you think is right for each of them (even if that is different for each child). I have had families choose to leave children at home and families have children there until the end. If your mum is linked into a palliative care service, speak to the nurses they may be able to help.
Sorry that you are going through this difficult time.