I’ve reached a point where I want to go low contact with some of my in-laws - MIL, FIL, one of my SILs and her son who I want to go no contact with.
To be honest, I barely interact with them now but it’s still just too much and I need to pull back further. After 17 years of marriage, I feel I am not considered part of the family and only tolerated so I’m very comfortable with my decision.
Is anyone in the same position? How does low contact work with your in-laws? I’m happy to go with every second Christmas, my daughters birthday and not much more. I want a clear idea in mind before I speak with my husband as I want him to understand how much I have thought about this and it’s not something I’m willing to compromise.
8 Replies
I did it for my mental health. But, my in laws are gold standard toxic, nasty people.
I calmly made my husband understand I refused put up with their treatment anymore & how it affected me. I wasn't nasty or accusatory, just the facts and how I couldn't keep going for my mental health. I said if they decide to treat me respectfully I'll come back. It's up to them.
He minimised it for a long time as he was conditioned to their behaviour, but I told him he had no right to tell me my feelings weren't valid and he was treating me the way his family did. Eventually he got it.
What I think was important was I never said nasty things about IL's, was never rude, and never attempted to stop my husband going to visit them. He goes with the kids when I've got something else on. I turn up on occasion when SIL visits for lunch or one of my kids' birthdays, and am polite, but disengaged, and I won't rearrange my day anymore (SIL was obviously peeved a few weeks ago as we had plans & only turned up at 2pm).
I DO keep tabs on what's going on. I've had to fire hose many plans made while I'm not there, including since Mother in law passed last year - SIL deciding father in-law was moving into my house, going on holidays with us, me making his meals, my husband cleaning his house (instead of doing his bit here!).
Just tell him you’re going to try it for a year - putting yourself first and not doing things out of ‘duty’, especially the big celebrations. Of course you’ll have make sure you’re not cutting him off, leave that choice to him and he can go to their events alone if he wants to be there. Try a year then reassess.
Are they being invited to the house by your husband? If not you may get away with not even discussing it with him. Just don't go to events where they are going. Organise Christmas to be somewhere else. I avoid my inlaws but it's not been discussed with anyone I just always have other things to do when they have something on.
Just make sure you don’t expect him to. Support him and encourage him to see them. Do what ever you think fits.
I do it now and have for over a year.
But you make it very clear to hubby it doesn’t mean he has to it’s his family and he needs to make that decision and it’s unfair he do if it for you, he’ll resent you.
My in laws ignore my kids but not the others and only call bdays to make them self look good. I’ve told the kids they be as involved as they like I’ll never stop them or be mad if they want to go visit or stay, as they’ll always be their family. I’ve never stopped them coming to our house as it’s my husbands house as much as mine and he welcomes my family, I just go out for the day. It can work but communication and don’t force anyone else to follow.
I had a discussion with my husband on how my MIL (no other IL's locally) made me feel, things she had said to me over the course of our relationship. When I put it all in one paragraph he was shocked with everything she had said to me and understood why I wasn't invested in having a close relationship with her. I didn't make an announcement that I would be withdrawing, it just happened over time. He and I are on the same page so there is no negative vibe between us on the topic. My husband visits whenever he choses - usually fortnightly and calls once or twice between times. I always enquire how she is after a visit or phone call in support of my husband.
The only time I encourage our children to visit is for her birthday otherwise I leave it for them to decide if they want to go with their dad when he visits. To be honest though this is the same expectation I have for them visiting anyone, my mother included while she was still alive.
The only time she is invited to our home is on Xmas eve for dinner because I don't want/need her negativity ruining Xmas. She will sometimes drop a birthday card off for my husband or the children but not always.
If my husband asked or she rang me in trouble I would be there in the blink of an eye because she is my husband's mother and my children's grandmother. This feels like an acceptable compromise for my situation.
Just bare in mind that it may not play out how you want it to. They might cut ties altogether. Might effect the relationship between your daughter and them and also your husband and them.
I’d just be busy when the organise something.
We have just gone no contact with my in-laws. Recently it was my husband's 40th birthday, we went to his parents for dinner and he was clearly not the centre of attention his sister was. When ever he goes for Friday family dinner no one asks how he is or what he's been up to. Again it's all about his sister and asking our kids how they are, unfortunately I'm not there as I work nights. Anyway it's become to the point he just can't do it anymore. I support him 100%.