Hi mums - I am the mum of two boys (11 and 9) and am 39 years old. I divorced from the boys' dad seven years ago and for the last 4 years have been in a relationship with a wonderful man who is 4 years younger than me (no kids of his own). He is now at an age where not having a child of his own is becoming something he can't sacrifice. I suffered horrendous post natal psychosis and had significant health problems when pregnant with my last two babies so the thought of having another one is terrifying and not something I want to risk. The extra complications of having a baby beyond 40 (as well as society judgement) are also firmly on my mind.
I feel like my kids are at an age where life is starting to begin again for me in terms of career, travel, and finally having some time for 'me'. After a decade in the trenches of motherhood my boys are at an awesome age and we're really enjoying life with them now they're more independent.
I fear not giving my new partner a baby of his own might be the end of the road for us, we had a whole life mapped out for our future together but this baby situation feels like it might bring us undone. Any advice mums? What to do?
46 Replies
You are not an oven! People don't just get to use you as their little incubator just because you have a womb! I would say nope, no way. The only way I would go with it is if he had a surrogate and he was the one making the sacrifices like staying at home, being the main carer, having to work his career around childs care and school and you take on the traditional Dad role where you basically just get the good parts of parenting and maybe take the kid to soccer on the weekends! Do not have a baby to keep a man, if he's ready to leave you over this then the relationship wasn't that strong and you would probably end up a single mumma again anyway with a child you didn't really want while doing all the career and freedom sacrificing while he gets all the good bits and occasionally might take the kid to soccer on the weekends! Stay strong, say no!
It’s not about having a strong relationship. I wouldn’t give up having kids for no one, no matter how much I loved them. He’s only got one life, why should he miss out on the most amazing experience in life of being a parent, if that’s what he wants. This is her choice and it’s understandable, totally up to her but if he leaves, he obviously wants kids in his one life time. He will never get this chance again. I’d leave if my partner didn’t want kids. It’s a deal breaker for me.
He's had 4 years to leave so I guess he shouldn't have hung around so long, messing with OP's and her childrens heads because he's now been a huge part of their lives and is now going to be another break up and person that leaves them. So selfish of him imo, he should have decided this 4 years ago.
How has he? She has allowed him into her their lives, knowing she didn’t want anymore kids. What a stupid thing to say. she says he is a wonderful man. Maybe he’s realising as he gets older, he’s running out of time to have his kids. How do you know she told him straight up she didn’t want any more.? Maybe she didn’t. She hasn’t mentioned that, so maybe it was her who shouldn’t have kept him around & let him think that. Who knows, we don’t know the story behind it. If he’s a wonderful man, it will be a great loss to them if he walks but I don’t blame him. He wants his own babies. I would too.
Unlike the woman above, I don't think a man wanting to have a baby with the love of his life makes him a monster or a bad person.
I also don't think it makes him a "user of your womb".
He obviously loves you and wants to be a parent alongside you.
Wanting to have your own child in this life is a big deal.
I don't think you should have a child with him, given the circumstances.
Unfortunately, this will likely lead to resentment.
I'm sorry to say but I think you have to let him go, it's the kind thing to do.
I'm in my early 40s and I won't even chat with guys on dating websites that don't have kids.
It's just a no go zone for me because it really is one of those big life decisions where you need to be on the same page.
If the guy was adamant he didn't want kids and was 45-50, okay but if he's in his 30s, no way, people change their minds all the time.
I just couldn't live with myself knowing I had deprived someone of such an incredible experience.
There's no compromising on this issue.
Well I think given the OP's serious history I think he is a bad person for pushing for this. Even without that, surely the question of having children would have come up somewhere at the beginning and given her history and stance on it, he was likely told then it wasn't going to happen so even worse for him to push for this when he had a choice.
You are guilt tripping the OP "couldn't live with myself if I deprived someone" like it's her responsibility if she doesn't give him a child! Grow up.
Every pregnancy is different and different fathers. You also get high risk support being pregnant with any previous history. It may not happen again. I’d risk it! He deserves to be a dad too!
You would risk post natal psychosis for a guy ready to leave you if you don't have his baby? Sounds responsible of you. She's already at a bigger risk of that repeating before she even starts.
How do you know it would happen again? Each pregnancy is different. I would either risk it or let him go. It’s quite obvious that she only has these 2 options. I had 3 pregnancies first 2 high risk and my last, completely opposite. Different fathers to her first children. She may be the complete opposite this time too. Imagine he let’s this one opportunity go and she leaves him eventually where he is too old to have them and left without kids. She needs to cut him free then, if she can’t have one.
She needs to let him go and be happy to create what she already has , but with someone else.
She has kids. This poor guy hasn’t.
Maybe neither of them had the conversation, you would be surprised how many people jump into relationships without considering this.
Exactly! Why should he miss out and grow old and lonely with no kids. He needs to leave her.
Whenever there has been a post of a woman with an older guy with kids and he doesn't want anymore, we always advise her to leave the relationship or she'll always regret it.
Guys are no different, they reach an age where they want kids too.
It's a sad situation for all, I feel for you OP.
As a person who has suffered psychosis, I would never risk it.
I wouldn’t be having a baby.
I get its hard to see a relationship end because of this issue (I’ve had one end for this reason), but you have to put you and your current kids health and safety as your number one priority.
He will need to decide what his priority is, and that may be sad, for you or for him, but if you both have empathy for each others circumstances it will be easier.
I could never deny a partner that. He only has one life and to sacrifice having kids would be a big ask. You need to either have a baby with him or let him go. You could also go to work and him be at home if he wants kids? You are complete with your kids but he has none. Def not something I would give up for anyone. He needs to move on and create that life with someone else.
I could never force someone I love to go through post natal psychosis and put themselves and a new baby at risk of harm but you do you.
They would be very well prepared if this should happen, knowing her background.
I think we all agree that if he wants a baby he should leave but I'm just saying some of you women and the language you have used which is designed to put blame and guilt on the OP for not giving him a baby is sickening. OP owes this man nothing. It's an unfortunate situation that probably should have been discussed a lot sooner but at the end of the day this is neither persons fault. Stop saying "poor guy" and OP is "depriving him". She does not need to carry an ounce of guilt if he decides to stay in the relationship. We have to stop talking like this.
Yes, I see your point, maybe depriving was a little strong of a word on my part.
He has free agency, he can leave, he doesn't need to be deprived of anything.
Yes, just reading this thread and this has been my thoughts as well.
I'm shocked people are tell OP to give him a baby she doesn't want and that risks her health.
People are saying what they would do. I said I would do it because I would. If she doesn’t want more and is certain about that,then that’s her choice and that’s fine too but I would cut him free, if this was me.
I can’t imagine living my life kid free & I wouldn’t sacrifice that for anyone.
They should even book in and speak to a specialist together about it, get some info then decide together going forward but if she is adamant then, this is her choice and it’s to be respected, there is nothing wrong with that.
They are also very well prepared, when it comes to past pregnancy history and the level of care and treatment, knowing this has happened.
I'm more shocked that so many think there's no option but have his baby or split up.
People are just being realistic.
This is a deal breaker for most.
Why are you shocked.? I wouldn’t stay with someone that didn’t want kids. I just wouldn’t. It’s not really a shock. I know what i want from life and to live it kid free, isn’t something that I would sacrifice for anyone. Life is too short. Think long term. She will always have her kids. He won’t have any. It’s sad but I think with professional help. They can work this out together. Get medical advice, weigh up the risks together and go from there.psychosis is treated. It’s not nice, it’s cruel but it can’t be treated fortunately and they are prepared for that. Dad will also be by her side to help in anyway with bub and support her, if this happened again, it may not. It doesn’t always happen after each birth.
I am realistic here and I couldn’t let a man that wanted kids so bad, never have the experience of having his first child, seeing and holding his first child for the very first time. Experience all the firsts & guide them through life. An experience that only a parent can feel. There is nothing else in this world that can compare.
Oh wow, still going with the emotionally persuasive language lol.
It’s called being a realist. This would be highly emotional for both of them.
How on earth would you possibly know that this man is going to help her and support her. It might not happen after each birth but i think if your track record is 100% then theres a good chance of it happening again. Some Mums have to live at the hospital for months, so thats months her other kids go without a mum, months they have to deal with a Mum suffering a serious mental illness. Then how long does it take to get mentally and physically healthy enough to juggle work, kids, baby, school, daycare, housework? If he doesn't consider her kids as his own then she's going to be doing majority of the work at home and drop offs pick ups, shopping, etc. You keep going on about how she has her own kids and he doesn't well if he was as supportive as you're assuming he would already consider her kids as his and not need to have his own biological child.
OP has clearly stated she doesn't want to have another baby. She wants to move onto another phase of life. I get that. The reasons sound to me (I know I could be completely wrong) like justifications for her choice (which she shouldn't need to do) rather than obstacles to be overcome.
I think it's naive to assume her partner will be perfect. I've known a few women who do agree in this situation and end up, literally, holding the baby, sacrificing more career, independence, etc. while the desperate to be a father goes about his life & shows up at bath time. Or they split & she's left with 90% care and a life choice she didn't want. Then we all ask why on earth did she agree to do it in the first place?
Unless you want a baby OP, don't have one. Your partner & yourself are already on different paths and it might be time he moved on to create a family with someone who wants the same thing.
You say in your post that you both had your "life mapped put for your future together." If that map had no mention of another child it seems that the ground rules have changed. I would not have another child for ALL the reasons you've mentioned in your post. People's priorities can change over time and if a child of his own has become a priority you may need to let him go. I don't think a compromise can be reached on such a big issue as there would always be resentment on one side.
Well I think he knew this four years ago. I would rather break up than have a baby, and I would definitely consider the possibility you could end up broken up anyway and you’ll have the baby as well as your two now.
Exactly
Also he’s saying one, what about when that turns into two or three.
This next pregnancy may be fine? She may end up with 2. This is something very personal that they should seek professional help on before making any decisions either way. Get all the info they need from the right people & go from there.
Although just realised her age, so maybe not another one. This is something they need to decide together.
How important you both think this relationship is will be the deciding factor in 'what now'.
I absolutely 100% agree that you should not feel obligated to conceive his baby.
What about IVF, either your eggs or donor eggs?
Your boys and you are enjoying life because you have children and know what that’s like. Your partner on the other hand doesn’t. He wants that to be him. He deserves that to be him. No one should miss out on this in life, if they want it and If he wants a baby so bad and you don’t want to have another one. It’s best to End it for the sake of his figure, so he can experience what you get to, day in day out, being a mum.
I really believe you should both see a obstetrician and talk about your concerns and position. at least get the advice and options, treatment plan before deciding on a firm no. If you still feel the same way about it after that, then it’s up to your partner to make his decision to stay or go.
You're funny.
It’s not actually funny but if you seem to think it is, that’s on you. It’s truth. If she doesn’t want to cosiest this then tell him straight, it’s not ever going to happen and give him the chance to leave.
Read her post again. What Dr would say yeah great idea to have a baby??? I Had complications at 24 and was told then I shouldn't have anymore lol. No Dr is going to give this lady with her history of complications and severe mental illness and age the OK to have another baby. They would have to deal with it if she was already pregnant but they are not going to recommend it.
Yours and your kids health and mental well being comes first no matter what. In this circumstance there's just so much at risk. I couldn't do it. You would be sooo lucky to avoid complications during pregnancy and birth, then also avoiding post natal psychosis, then getting a baby that sleeps well and has no health problems so you can go back to your career, then long term a child with no behavioral issues, syndromes, autism that need a lot of care and not much room for a free life or career movement. You could really only deal with all that if you were 100% on board with wanting a baby but since your only reason for even considering it is to keep him happy then you have to consider yourself here and say no. He should have given this more thought at the start and gone his own way then instead of letting it get this far.
He should have told you this in the beginning of your relationship . My husband is 37 and I'm 50. I already had kids . He and I have been together 17.5 years and he sacrificed having his own kids just to be with me as I was adamant I wanted no more . If he was sure he wanted kids, we wouldnt have wasted each others time all these years. I had a 7 month old when we met which he took on as his own . That child is now 18.
So if you're sure you want no more, and he's sure he wants one, it sounds like it could be on the road to a deal breaker and probably best to detatch and call it a day. Otherwise as the yrs goes by, resentment builds and you'll wonder where it all went wrong.
Just because we love someone, it doesn't mean they're the right person for us .
Good for him for being honest and knowing this isn’t something he can go without in life. It’s no different to a woman who wants to badly to be a mum. Not many woman stay in those relationships, where the men don’t want any or anymore kids.if they really want kids, they’ll go and find the one who does. Crap situation for you but you need to understand him and need to let him go, so he can have the life of being a dad. It will be painful for you but not as painful as him going through life with regrets of no having his own children.
My sister in law was in this exact same position. She did end up having 1 with her partner at age 42 , she had one miscarriage prior and went on to have a healthy baby with him. She was booked in for cesarean and had a few minor issues such as GD that required monitoring. He also is the main carer and is a fantastic dad and works part time & she works full time as this is her choice and he loves doing everything. She is past it, she has 3 older kids ( adults ) it works for them. They did try for another after this also which resulted in another miscarriage due to an underlying issue with her ovaries, so they stopped.
It wasn’t a deal break for him though but she did agree that she wanted one with him. She was adamant at first, no more kids. I don’t know what I’d do if this was me.
If he would prefer leave the relationship, hope he meets someone else and that they want kids and all before he's too old, I'd let him go. He has the right to value his desire for kids of his own above a romantic relationship.
However, it doesn't sound like that is an option in his relationship with the OP. Firstly, a no outweighs acyes on this matter. Secondly, knowing that there is a risk of psychosis does not mean management will be easier or that medication will be effective at stabilising it. Thirdly, if psychosis does occur again, the OP risks harming herself or her children whilst psychotic and may even find she loses custody if her psychosis impacts her parenting.
No way would I knowingly gamble everything I hold dear by being cavalier about psychosis and my mental health.
This man either needs to accept that the family he has is not the traditional one he might have expected, or find the family unit he wants elsewhere
As a woman I completely understand where you are coming from. But as a woman of a partner that was unable to have kids with his previous partner (she wasn’t willing to go through ivf) it caused a resentment in not just him but also in her for him wanting it.
We found each other and I (mum of one) am willing to do what I takes to have another child. I made it very clear to him that I wasn’t going to enter into a relationship with someone that didn’t want kids. And I can’t say I’d be willing to stay with a man that wasn’t willing to have a child. And I wound not expect him to stay with me if I wasn’t willing.
If it was me, I would think about giving him the option to leave & have the chance of becoming a biological father if that’s what he really wants.
I personally would say no. The thought if a baby at this(mine similar) is a no way. For me we may end and I'll be left to do it all again.
I don't want more and if my husband does well he is free to fo create life elsewhere.
For you it depends on how much you value your own life over his happiness.