What would you do?
So I recently caught my husband out with a text from an ex gf asking him how his weekend was? I thought that was odd, especially because he denied being in contact with her. The conversation history had been deleted. Anyway the truth came out and they’ve been texting and calling each other for the last 12 months. He’s been telling me he’s getting relationship advice from her and offering her mental support (she’s going through a divorce). Apparently she spoke about olds times and did get flirty but he shut it down. He didn’t want to tell me he speaks to her because I’d be “upset.”
She contacted him before we got married and he shut it down and said it was inappropriate. 12 months ago, when our youngest was two, he then added her on Insta, which I asked him to delete, and now turns out they’ve been talking for the last 12 months about our marriage and kids. He says they’re just pals, but deletes the conversation history and doesn’t call her around me and has kept it secret for 12 months.
I think I already know the answer here, but I am just so broken. I knew something wasn’t right but he kept lying and lying and making me feel like the crazy one and that I was pushing him away. I just have no damn proof to back myself up.
I don’t know what I’m asking here, but my gut is telling me there is more going on here.
17 Replies
Even if he's telling the truth, why is he talking to an old ex? Especially one that has showed an interest in him? Message her yourself and see what she has to say. With all the secrecy I would be treating it like an affair or a pending one.
I agree you know the answer, she’s only around because they have a thing and that’s all on him. Secretly talking for a year and deleting conversations is enough to end it for me. How many times can you beg him to commit and be a transparent partner before you just accept that he’s not
But you do have proof. Why do we do it to ourselves, we think unless we actually see them in the act then it's not enough.. You feel betrayed, because he betrayed you. He has lied, he has been connecting with his ex and discussing intimate details of your marriage with her. Not only that she is free and single and has tried it on him before. He has hidden this from you for 12 months and would have continued to do so. His conscience allowed him to go this far, what else has it allowed him to do? At the very least this is an emotional affair.
There is a mismatch in values here. Recognise your self worth because he will not and will most likely just feed you a bunch of lies because he's just demonstrated he is comfortable lying.
I predict excuses and then he will project all his issues on to you.
Take care of you, you deserve better 💗
I missed the part in your post where he made you feel crazy and it was your fault... yep gaslighting as predicted.
I agree, we draw the line at cheating and want to know, but what if he’s happy enough to stay with you but just wants to keep her on the side. And if you booted him he’d go to her l, or someone else, but be telling you you’re the one. That’s what he’s doing, is staying in that good enough for you?
If there was nothing to hide, then he wouldn't hide it. I'm sorry ☹
It's lying by ommission. And saying "I only hid it because I knew you'd be upset" - ok, so he's made a choice to do something he knew would upset you, and chose to hide it to cover it up.
There's no way this is innocent, but you already know that.
Even if it was, I couldn't accept the dishonesty.
Good luck to you, you have a huge decision to make here.
Wow he’s getting relationship advice from an ex. Yer ok! He is a lying scum and the last person you’d go to for advice or to support is your ex!
They aren’t just pals and he has absolutely no reason to be talking to her about you and your kids. I garuntee he is putting you down and making her feel sorry for him and blah blah blah!
I can not understand this. Why don’t they just stay with their exes if that’s what they want.
He shut it down before marriage because it was inappropriate but it’s appropriate to talk to her about your and your kids now and delete the history. He’s prob been seeing her all this time.
I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw up.
What a dirty dog to be offering is ex mental support through her divorce. How convienient for him and happens to throw you and your kids into the mix. Probably putting on the whole, sob story to her.
He would be out if it was my husband.
Why do you need proof? Of what?
You know you can just be done without a scrap of anything other than you just don't want to do this anymore?
That's how you back yourself mate. Proof pfft.
Be done just because you say so.
What would I do in this situation.? Put his stuff out the front and change the locks, block his number and never look back. He is a lying cheat. He would have been sleeping with her all this time, while you are home raising your kids.
Go and hit up her ex husband and see what he thinks, maybe he knows she’s been having an affair.? Maybe the reason for the divorce.
I doubt he shut anything down before you got married. Did he show you those messages, shutting her down? I’m sorry to say but I think he’s been with her a lot more than just in messages. No one dedicates this much time to an ex when they have moved on, married and started a family. He’s been cheating on you all along. Creep
Umm I’m sorry but I does he want relationship advice from his ex 🤔 he’s a piece of work! Kick him out.
Oh this is exactly what an ex is doing to me!
Lives with his new partner but tells me he’s unhappy and wants me back. Definitely wouldn’t go there but tossing up whether to tell her as I feel she has a right to know and I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that
If he is deleting messages there is definitely something he doesn’t want you to see. my husband and i are currently seeing a counsellor, as he does exactly the same thing. it might be worth you seeing someone together, as li have found it is just easier to sort things out with a counsellor, they can help to explain to your husband what certain actions can do to trust in a marriage and help both of you deal with things, especially if there is other stuff going on. thats what i think anyway.
wish you good luck
If he is deleting messages there is definitely something he doesn’t want you to see. my husband and i are currently seeing a counsellor, as he does exactly the same thing. it might be worth you seeing someone together, as li have found it is just easier to sort things out with a counsellor, they can help to explain to your husband what certain actions can do to trust in a marriage and help both of you deal with things, especially if there is other stuff going on. thats what i think anyway.
wish you good luck
For me deleting messages is where is suspicious
. If you have nothing to hide why delete.
Even if he's telling the truth, he hid it for a year. I'd be automatically saying that he's hiding something... Even if it's emotional, via text or physical. To me they're all cheating.
Trust your gut.
The grass is greener where you water it and he’s lost his way. It’s a breach of boundaries and even worse because it’s an ex and she is divorcing herself so it’s inappropriate of them both. He needs to delete her totally out of his life. Give her a call and let her know what’s up. She’s giving him attention and it’s only going to lead to bad things if it hasn’t already. The end of the story is that if he can be stolen he isn’t worth it anyway.