Im living in a DVA house hold... No it's not my partner, nore me ...... But our son.
He's a pre teen, and has always had a nasty side to him. When i say nasty, I mean sly, well planned thought out situations. He's always gotten a thrill out of hurting people and his siblings are always targets. He did used to scream at the dog but that stopped a whole ago and they have a good bond now, he loves the dog.
He has a list of diagnosis... He sees a pead, a councillor, and and therapist. I'm about to beg for a referral to a child psych.
He does have a genuine loving side to him, but it's rare. Any other affection from him always has an agenda behind it.
Discipline of any kind results in abusive meltdowns, siblings being hurt or threaten, doors slammed or ripped off the hinges... Things get smashed. I really fear what I may be in for, once he's big enough. I already get death threats. We have done parenting courses, read just about every book we can think of or been suggested, honestly I don't think any one could refer us to a book we havent read....
Bipolar, and borderline personality run in both families with 2 uncles, one on both sides, and myself. Dad has anxiety as do I, and living with our son, has already resulted in me having a nervous break down just before Christmas, which I'm yet to recover from, and my husbands anxiety is through the roof. None of the other kids like to play with him, except his sister.... He seems to really enjoys his relationship his sister, he never hurts her, just annoys her every so ofte. When he shows his genuine loving side, their are alot of similarities there.
I don't know what to do. I have very few happy memories with our son. I can count them on one hand.
14 Replies
Im sorry you are going through this. I just want to say you aren’t alone. Many of us have gone through incredibly difficult situations with there kids.
What I can say helped me mentally was finding a private Facebook group related to my child’s needs/diagnosis. Having other parents walking the same path did help me feel not so alone.
I don’t want to compare our situations because it sounds like your sons potential diagnosis is quite different to my sons, but feeling traumatised and mentally broken is something I can very much relate to.
My son is an adult now, and we are both in a lot better place and I can confidently say we aren’t in crisis anymore.
You need strategies specific to your situation and specific to him. Get into the child psych asap. Get on the wait list now. Then get the plan from the gp while you’re waiting. Call around tomorrow and get into one, make sure they specialise in your sons issues - specific violent and aggressive male teens with his diagnosis. You need a plan in place for yourself, of what your options and steps are and how you will handle this.
I’m an adult with my own mental health issues- if as you say he’s got a few diagnoses get him on medication or get his medications reviewed if he’s on some. Don’t wait to late- I left myself to late to reach out for help and the issues I caused by waiting caused a lot of heartache to those around- no harm to others just self- I hate, big hate needing medication, and I often try to come off it, and I go downhill very quickly and have learnt it’s not worth the risk. Get a psychiatrist and child psychologist involved and keep pushing the issue until your heard and safe. For his sake to have a chance of a “normal” life and for you to have a safe one.
How have you addressed your borderline personality disorder?
Households with a parent with a personality disorder are often toxic when you scratch the surface and kids also often end up with PDs as a result (NPD, BPD, HPD).
Read about people who had a borderline as a mum, it is pretty horrific to live with and they grow up pretty messed up.
Add on top of that unregulated bipolar, you are most likely very emotionally volatile (you said yourself you had a breakdown in December, not sure what that entailed, but I'm sure it affected the kids).
Your partner has anxiety, which can often manifest (not always) as impatience, rage, turbulence etc.
I would look closer to home if I were you.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/understanding-the-borderline-mother/
I see a psych regularly, and am medicated. Meds are reviewed every app, and I keep a mental health diary to help keep track of my cycle. In terms of my diagnosis, my psych feels I'm stable, but it's my living conditions are causing my depression, he feels their is no connection to my bipolar or Bp. Along with my diary, my mother is in most apps with me, and give a very honest view on my mental health, and every one around me, has been told by me, to tell me when they feel I'm slipping.
I hurts to admit ... I am so much happier when he's not here. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart.... But when I don't have to think about him, I feel utterly relaxed and drama free.
When you feel like this about your step kid and they feel the same about you, it is time to leave.
This is nothing new to you, they've all gone this way.
It's her son, not step child
If you follow the website, she writes in all the time, a lot of us know her story, but she never takes our advice....
Sounds like a little narcissist in the making. Ewww, no thanks .
Please educate yourself or do not comment. This is not being helpful or kind.
Your son sounds like he has great difficulties with regulating and this is directed moreso towards his parents. I am going to guess that boundaries and possibly hearing 'no' are triggers.
It sounds like he can actually be quite affectionate and kind in some situations so this means there is hope! and something that a child psychologist can definitely help with. Including working on your way of interacting with him and your expectations of him.
At the moment it is like you are expecting him to have all these mental illnesses and yet while there is a genetic component there are also environmental factors that influence how likely this gene is to express itself and to what extent. You need help to minimise the impact and develop those coping skills early.
A Psychologist can help you to recognise his triggers and some of them may even be sensory. Then work on how he regulates in these situations as well as educate him on what is happening.
Lastly remember to praise him, sometimes we get caught up in that negative feedback loop. Even if it's the smallest thing you find. Tell him that you love him, even on the hard days. Remember it's not condoning his behaviour, every child needs to know they are worthy of being loved.
Seek serious help now whilst he is still this age, support gets harder as they get to that mid teen age, also seek respite care to give you all a chance to breathe and regroup. Keep knocking on doors until you all get the help you need.
is there an inpatient service that you can use so the professionals can monitor him more comprehensively, and tinker with meds in a safe space? I can only imagine how hard this is?