Hi sisterhood, I feel like my husband has fallen out of love with me and I’m so scared to ask him or have that difficult chat.
We have been together 13 years with 2 kids. I feel severely undervalued and unloved. Is this a normal 13 year relationship or does he not care any more?
For eg. today he went to the footy and when I asked if he had the bag I had prepared with hat, suncream, drink etc. he yelled and swore at me for not telling him (we were leaving in the car when I asked if he had it).
I never get told I’m loved. My kids are young so mothers is really up to him to arrange and it’s very much a non event (I would be happy with a sleep in and that has never happened in the 6 mothers days that I have had).
each Easter I do the shopping for all the family and get him an egg. He never gets me one.
I feel a lot of the mental and physical load is on me and I get little to no appreciation for what I do.
I know I sound like I’m just venting but it’s an accumulation of everything on top of me at the moment.
All I want is to be told I’m loved and that what I do for my family is appreciated it. Not sworn at and made to feel worthless.
Am I loved?
Am I loved?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
6 Replies
This might sound harsh but please don’t take this the wrong way. He treats you like this simply because he can. You don’t stand up to him and he walks all over you. You need to take the bull by the horns & find your strength, to say enough is enough and I will not put up with this selfish, rude behaviour of his anymore. It sounds like you have good respectful values and he doesn’t. He walks all over you and expect you to keep taking it. You need to show him now, that No you will absolutely not put up with it anymore and you deserve better. You need to give him a good scare into waking up to himself and appreciating what he has and what you do. A good way to show him this if he won’t listen, is go pack yourself and kids up and go stay with family for a few days. Tell him to take a good hard look at himself and if he doesn’t change then you and the kids aren’t coming back. He is teaching your kids that this is ok. It’s not ok. He needs to be leading by example and respecting you. It will only get worse but only you can put your foot down and change it. Good luck Mumma. Stay strong!
I agree with the teach him a lesson part but I would not leave and give him a holiday at home. Thats also rewarding his bad behaviour and will probably do it again when he wants a break. Id let him go to the footy with the kids and let him be responsible for them the whole day. Give him the bag and tell him you'll be home because of the way he speaks to you. He will either go or chuck a tannty and everyone stays home. But I think you need to test the responses to see if he reacts in a positive or negative way and gauge it from there. Good luck its hard but your kids will be safe with their dad im assuming the bad treatment is aimed at you not them.
Have a read here ; https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/mental-load#vs-emotional...
You’re taking on all the mental load and doing the invisible labour. Trial a few methods to change this, read the above article and do not accept it as your role just because your a woman, accepting this load is plausible if your SAHM and this happens during “work hours” but as soon as hubby is home, it should be a shared load.
Verbalising love is important for you, then you need to be validated. Are there other actions that show you love?
Sounds like you need to communicate your feelings and needs clearly. Be open to hear his. Not his complaints against you, but his feelings. You don’t have to agree, and he may be absolute bullshitting (the yelling at you hints this) but let you both be heard, then take it way and think about things again.
Draw a line, do not be yelled at and sworn at. Ever, not in a car, just never.
I think only you can take stock of your relationship and know if it was ever strong, was it based on love, who is he at his core, what are his behaviours. Then you’ll know if this is due to having young kids and needing a reset.
For Mother’s Day this year, it’s coming up, so decide now what you want. Don’t leave it for him to ruin. If you want him to take the kids out so you’re alone, say it. If you want him to help the kids make breakfast in bed and then you go out for a massage, book it and let him know what’s happening. If you want to spend it with other women, do that. Do not sit at home feeling negative because you’ve left your day to him. I’m a single mum and I take my kids out and they buy me presents. It’s a lot of fun and they’re so good at it. You just make a big show that you’re not peeking when you pay. The shop assistants always help too, you’ll feel super special. If he won’t take them, I recommend doing it yourself.
My husband loves me a lot but I know he struggles with things like thinking to get me an Easter egg or mothers day, so I just tell him. I tell him exactly what I want. If I need a sleep in I tell him.
We all recieve and show love in different ways. If you tell him what you want and he still doesn't do anything then you have a problem.
Sometimes you need to spell it out for these blokes as they do not get it. However, being yelled and sworn at over a bag.. that's uncalled for. In the first instance I would stop and calmly reply asking him if he is okay as his reaction is over the top. It may be he shares with you he is struggling. If he continues being an arse then I would immediately say 'geez, it's not that bad' or 'overreact much'. The point is do not just accept that behaviour and to 1. make him aware of it and 2. make him aware that you are aware it's not okay.
So my next question is does this scenario scare you? Are you scared of his reaction? Are you scared of your own husband? Because that is a whole lot of other issues and if you felt brave enough I would let him know he is scaring you. If he still continues then you need to seek help.
If you are able to communicate to him that you feel unloved and unappreciated that is great but for men they usually look for concrete ways to fix things. So you need to spell it out into behaviour. E.g. I love it when you say nice things to me randomly. It brightens up my whole day.
Make sure that your husband is not feeling the same way you are. Children are so draining. Make sure you still have dates and try praising him for something he has done, sometimes that's all it takes to turn this whole thing around.
If he continues to treat you with disrespect then you need to love yourself enough to realise this is not okay. Do not use him as a measure for how you should be treated. Know your own worth ✨️