14 yr old and 1st boyfriend..... dos don'ts how to be fair but reasonable . Whats too much time together, what rules did you have? Advice? 1st time mum of a teenager . Shes only just turned 14. Hes 15 but in same grade.
I've tried to compromise, she wants to see him everyday after school and on weekends, they already go to school together.
Shes got sport after school some afternoons so does her sibling and wednesdays i do something for me that night.
I wont allow him over without me being here. I think thats fair ?
I also dont think every day and all weekend is healthy? Its onky been 2 weeks on wednesday that they have been boyfriend girlfriend.
I try to compromise for 1 day after school and 1 weekend day. But she pushes for more. So i gave her 2. Still asks daily. Its getting annoying.
The boy isnt smart at school so doesnt even get homework etc, but she does.
I'm trying to get her into part time work to learn the skills and earn some $ for herself.
I dont want her whole world wrapped up into a boy and nothing else matters.
Friends say it will fizzle out but i'm not sure. My daughter is pretty mature for her age.
They are very cuddly etc around each other.
Its all new to me, shes never had a boyfriend or cuddly friend either. Shes on phone constantly with him if not around him in person.
Whats too much or too little.
I'm not even confident to leave my house if they are here. It feels strange.
Friends have said i have to let go a little but how much is too much freedom...
Shes got a younger sister too so i want there to be a healthy example and not too much freedom.
Help mums of teens ( just turned 14 )
I'm solo mum but she goes to her dad 2nd weekends and he allows the boy to spend all weekend with daughter and i think its too much too soon, but he wont have a bar of co parenting and being on same page. I worry if it gets too much at his house too. Dad and step mum drink and i imagine not being totally aware of what these teenagers can do.
7 Replies
One day after school is fine and one day on the weekend.
The sudden intensity is concerning.
You wont prevent them being sexually active, because when there is a will there is a way, but you can help keep her life in balance. She still needs time for hobbies, other friends, homework, family life without him being with her 24/7
This is how I prevent my 14 year old from having a boyfriend. I don’t allow her to have a phone. I often speak to her about boyfriends and tell her that their in no rush to have boyfriends in high school. I don’t allow her to roam free with friends and I certainly wouldn’t allow her to go to a boys house if they were a couple. Maybe the movies or something on the weekend but not hanging out at j houses. Yes it’s going to happen but 14 is too young and there is lots of pressure at this age. Maybe if she was 16 but kids today, rule their parents and parents give in because it’s easier. Kids also have free range on mobile Phones to arrange what they want. Her dad is a complete fool for allowing him there. She will also think that this is great and want to stay there more often just to spend time with her boyfriend. This isn’t fair on you, who is trying to show her some boundaries. Dad needs a kick up the butt! Get her on the pill to be safe. It’s so hard to parent without the right back up.
I feel it’s too young to be hanging out all the time. My kids are younger so it’s easy for me to say as I’m not there yet! But if the topic of boyfriends or girlfriends come up I always say there’s no rush! Enjoy time with your friends, playing sport, having fun. All that time spent with a boyfriend is time missed out on with friends. Maybe a few more boundaries with the phone? Does she have access to it 24/7? Could she hand it in of an evening to get some down time without the texting?
I'm that mum who realises that, If you try to stop too much contact between them, your going to have problems with behaviour. Not having him in you home unsupervised, if they plan on sex, they will find a way.
14 is too young for sex but it's time to get that talk started, educate on birth control and STI-s.
Just make it clear that after all home work, and house hold chores are done, once extra coricilars are finished, they can spend time together.
I personally think the stricter you are the further she will dig her heels in.
What’s the harm with them hanging out? Hanging out more or less often won’t stop them being sexually active.
Educate her. Explain to her yes he can come over but I also expect you to do your homework and maintain your usual goals and routine. If you can’t then I may have to enforce time limits in the future. But if you can show me your responsible enough to juggle the lot I will respect that.
Talk to her about protection and her choices.
It will eventually fizzle. It is new and exciting now.
I had to lol at the "it's getting annoying". I hate to break it to you but teenagers simply ARE annoying, you might wanna get used to that 😂
In all seriousness, teenagers will test boundaries. They do that best by pestering the living shit out of you, especially if they know you can be worn down.
Now, I feel like there is a compromise to be made here. Have a chat with her, tell her that you hear her! You get that she's enjoying having a boyfriend and you get that she wants to spend time with him outside of school - explain that you're willing to work with her on that if she's willing to work with you in terms of keeping up with her sport (if that's something she does still genuinely enjoy), school work and at least working towards getting a job. Then together, you can come up with some kind of agreement you both can live with, it doesn't have to be super rigid either.
With my teens, I've found that allowing them to have an input with this kind of decision making lessens the pestering I previously mentioned because they feel like they actually get a say, rather than just being dictated to. If they do try to push those boundaries, I simply come back to "well, we agreed to X,Y,Z when we discussed this last week so that's how the arrangement will stay". Or if the parameters of whatever it was have changed, we discuss it again to see if negotiations can be made.
Chances are the novelty will wear off once this isn't so new and exciting anyway But Please remain realistic though. Safe sex, consent, peer pressure, healthy relationships, unhealthy relationships, self esteem, life balance etc - all things you will need to have ongoing conversations with her about from here on.
Educate, even if you need to get a doctor involved. My daughters doctor explained to her that just because she is getting a period does not mean she is ready for a sexual relationship. I also let them speak in private and left the room. Her doctor has been a huge support.
I also educated her about what most boys tend to be after at this age. Along with talking about brain development. I remembered to praise her and remind her of her worth.
I purchased condoms and she is on the pill as I wanted to ensure we always have open communication. She told me when she became sexually active and although I internally screamed she also asked me when they needed more condoms.
The main goal should be to keep them safe. She has since admitted some of the students are having sex at school and in public parks. The most important thing is to keep that communication open. She needs her mum and her dad sounds frankly useless. Almost like it he is trying to win her over by being a useless parent and then he will act shocked when he finds them having sex. She is going to need you to be the person she can confide in.
Our relationship has shifted, while it is still important to create boundaries e.g. weekends only. Ensure that you are not cutting off communication by seeming too prudish (not that you are at all! Just the way these teens view it). I would allow room for compromise.
My daughter was full on but it has eased off and she did find a job and it has helped as she is less available for the boyfriend ;)