I’ve always been a caring person who has the best intentions for others. Sometimes I wish I cared for myself the way I do for others but I’ve realised after 38 years of living that it’s just the way I am.
I’ve been living with me in laws for 3 years now. She was diagnosed with breast cancer just when I moved in with my three children from a previous marriage. We moved in so we could save and purchase our own house with my partner.
Obviously with the pandemic, Job lose and all sorts of craziness we were unable to make that dream come true.
Durning my stay I’ve been extremely stressed out, I’ve completely forgotten about my needs and helped by cleaning, cooking meals for 8-9 people daily. When I fell pregnant with my now 1 year old, I didn’t get the reaction I thought I would despite my MIL telling me she couldn’t wait yo be a grandma and pushing for a baby. I obviously found that so weird. Just for context, she was in remission at the time through my pregnancy, working out, looking after herself, etc. During my pregnancy, I never was asked how I’m feeling, if I could use a hand fo anything, no communication. I had HG and was a hot mess with multiple iron infusions and bed ridden. My partner would help anyway he could. I had comments from my FIL “looks like my son is the wife now…” all because I had one nap! Despite the challenges, limping all day (later discovered I have osteoarthritis in my pelvis) I did not stop.
After I had baby (cardiac failure, PPH, almost passed away, covid positive whilst in labour) nobody helped, I was left cooking, cleaning and all every cared about was holding the baby. When I got home from the hospital, she was covid positive and I said on the phone to please isolate and not come near her, well what did she do? She was at the door begging me to hold her. Her husband was pulling her away.
Tbh there is so much that has happened that I don’t even know what to write and this post will get really long.
She has now been diagnosed with cancer again, wants us to move out with her but I don’t want to. She treats my kids so differently, always wants the baby. She won’t even say hello to me and just come and grab her, walk into her room and close the door. Every time I try and talk to her I get one worded answers, even when I hug her, she pulls away. I really want a relationship with her but I’m stuck. I’m starting to feel so much anger and hatred within me and I’m questioning my integrity and who I really am. I’m confused..
How do I help gain a relationship with her? Is there a reason why she doesn’t like me? I promise i would mention if I’ve said or done something wrong. I just don’t know how to gain a relationship when she doesn’t want it.
Now that I’m moving out she is so upset with me cause “it my dream to play with my granddaughter in the backyard.” I mean she can still do it, I’m only moving 15 mins away. But what the hell am I and my other children? Chopped liver?
I feel like due to her illness I should try harder. I have many regrets after my father passed away.
Am I holding on to something that will never happen?
4 Replies
No, you really shouldn’t try harder. The relationship is very toxic and you need to be happy and healthy for ALL of your children.
Fostering a strong relationship with your MIL is not good or healthy for your children. They need to see there Mum be strong and set healthy boundaries, so they can learn to set healthy boundaries!
You need to try harder to keep a good healthy balance, that keeps your mental health and teaches your kids it’s ok to look after yourself. They are watching you be the family doormat.
It sounds like your MIL has plenty of other people to look after/support her. And you don’t want your kids being influenced by FIL’s outdated ideas about gender roles. So limit contact!
I think you need to ask yourself why you’re so willing to blame yourself and invest in this unhappiness.
This sadness when you make your move away is something my mother is also very good at. can play the victim and it’s all your fault and she’s so sad. But the time you’re physically close it’s not nice and there’s no effort. And if you stayed there wouldn’t be either. So stick to your own plan. You’ve had enough history to know you want out, just copping the blame and sadness is something you’ll just have to do. Don’t be shy to let people know it doesn’t go both ways and a little space will be good for you. Everybody needs independence.
You've done nothing wrong, but you'll never have the relationship you want no matter how hard you try, because it's not the relationship she wants. It took me years of trying to create a relationship with my mother in law to figure that out.
When my MIL was ill (and passed away) I supported my husband by taking on everything at home to allow him the time to do whatever he needed to support his parents & take the kids to visit often. I visited once a week with the kids and even then, she was rude, ignoring me & only interested in the kids.
I tried for 13 years to build a loving healthy relationship with my MIL, even though my husband told me it would never happen, simply because of the way she was. I still continued to try, even having round table full family discussions about how we could all move forward but, after her death I see that it just never would have been the way I dreamed. I just ended up playing happy families on the rare occasions we did see them. This would be my advice to you too.
I still taught my children to be loving and respectful of their Nanna. And I can assure you that I will be the best MIL the world has ever seen to my daughters in law!