Hey guys!!
I need to know if I’m being reasonable (I understand everyone’s relationship expectations are different etc)
My hubby is a tradie and works very hard for our family, very physical demanding in heat kind of work. He goes to the pub easily 4-6 times a week, it’s like a habit. Yes he’s a functional alcoholic and it’s not ideal what he’s doing to his health. Not to mention the cost side of things, plus the TAB there too..
he wants to break the habit but makes zero effort in doing so, just says it annoys him 🤷♀️
Most nights he will walk through the door between 5-8pm, I’ve dealt with kids, house, dinner and bedtime routine.
I’m currently a stay at home mum, with now both my kids in full time school. I can honestly go and get my hair done, facials, new clothes, go out for coffees/dinners with friends etc and hubby doesn’t complain as such, but will mention ‘lady of leisure’ type comment. I’ve offered to go back to work but really want to finish some Reno’s at home first and he thinks I will struggle to do it all - I think he enjoys me carrying the weight at home.. like I literally do it all including gardening (which I love though!) but cleaning cooking, budgeting etc is all on me.
The problem and this has always been a problem for us, I feel like he goes to the pub too much and should cut back. If he doesn’t go he’s moody, if he does go he unwinds and comes home in a very happy flirty mood and has patience for the kids.. am I being unreasonable when I complain about how much time he spends at the pub? He comes home and I’m angry and building resent towards him?? Although I can literally go and do whatever I want during the day or even go out at night no problems?
He is never a nasty drunk and we never go without. We go camping whenever we can get away for a weekend so there’s always lots of family time there, I just have to wear to weekday slack?
We do go to the pub together aswell maybe once a week or fortnight and as a family too!
I just don’t know if what I’m asking is being unreasonable and if I should just get over it?
I’ve asked him to stop before or ease up and that I’m getting to my breaking point, and it only last for so long until old habits resurface.
My therapist pretty much said 3 choices. You either continue arguing about the same thing, you accept him for who he is or you leave.
I’ve tried accepting but I feel like he’s just getting worse, I don’t want to be a lonely old lady at home by myself while my husband sits at a bar.
Tia Xx
10 Replies
Your therapist is right. You’re also ignoring that while you can’t accept him, you count him being a ‘nice, relaxed drunk’ as a good thing, but the impact is actually that it makes you tired and angry and resentful and there is an argument, so it’s actually not a positive at all, is it. You’re kidding yourself. Because you desperately want it to work, but it doesn’t work does it. Just stop with all the lady of leisure shit, you’re a mum and a housewife, he makes money, ok, just read your last line again and that’s your answer. His answer, if he wants a happy marriage, is to stop going to the pub. If he doesn’t stop and you don’t want to live like that, then that boils your options down to 1.
I know I shouldn't say this, and it isn't politically correct in this day and age, but as a single mum who works full time and studies, if you break up, there will be no more leisure.
You will do the house/child /garden you do now, plus work full time, if you want a decent quality of life.
I think you need to sit down and negotiate, make a schedule, work out days he's home and days he goes to the pub.
Are you open to him coming home and having a drink and destress in the shed for half an hour before he joins the house chaos?
Can you get him into a different hobby to cut down the drink? Like mountain bike riding or something?
I think this solution needs out of the box thinking.
I raise our child, manage the household in every way possible, garden and even maintenance and repair wise. All while working full time and studying. I pay 100% of school things and extra curricular activities. I have 100% care of said child and get $18 a month Child Support. If it’s him blowing off steam then that’s what he needs to be happy but find out what you need and take the time to do that for yourself. Sounds more like resentment that he can and you don’t. You said you have the opportunity. Go for drinks with the girls, dinners out, get a mani/pedi/massage… whatever it means to “fill your own cup”.
I don’t think you are unreasonable and I think he’s and addict which is why he is so grumpy when he doesn’t do it.
But he isn’t going to change.
This is not the relationship I would have stayed in long enough to have kids, because it sounds lonely.
But you have, and you’ve got to weigh up what you can live with. Cause separating you aren’t going to be living the life you are now.
What’s important to you?
The biggest issue here is alcohol! My Husband is similar but he doesn’t go the pub. I recently told him, I’m going to leave. He can live on his own and drink each night but I won’t be around putting up with it. He’s been better since.
Does he drive home drunk? That would be a big issue for me. He’s choosing to be at the pub drinking and gabbling and not spending that time with his family, what a waste of time and money. The kids will also see this behaviour as normal - so much wrong with this situation.
Only the two of you can decide what's reasonable and what isn't.
It sounds like a very "traditional" set up. And yes, he may poke at you for being "a lady of leisure" - but he'll have a massive tanty if you go back to work and all of a sudden he has to do his own laundry and school pick-ups!
And that's probably what he means when he says "you'll struggle to do it all" if you go back to work - because he'll probably expect you to still do all the housework & parenting etc.
I think you guys need to have a very big talk about expectations, and what it will look like if you do go back to work.
My partner's ex-wife was a SAHM, and their marriage was bloody awful - he also went to the pub basically until closing time every day because he just didn't want to go home to that environment.
He said she'd start on him the minute he walked in the door - so he just avoided it at all costs. Is this something that happens in your house, if you think about it honestly?
As someone said above, if you become a single parent, life becomes exponentially harder - I'd be thinking long & hard before making that decision.
Maybe you could accept he still goes to the pub after work, but ask that he be home at 6pm for dinner?
Would that ease your resentment?
How long have you been together?
I'm sure he will come up with an excuse on what you do wrong so he can go to the pub every night too when the honeymoon phase is over.
What a prick, blaming his stay at home wife/mother of his children for his poor behaviour.
Also a warning to you, if you expect too much of me (being an active member of the family), I won't come home.
Enjoy, you have a great guy there.
Let me guess, he says you're "nothing like her, you would never do that".
And you try REALLY hard not be like her.
When he gets home, you leave him alone, he gets to sit on his phone all afternoon lol
The old triangulation with the ex, works every time, why do women fall for it?
In a few years, he'll still be comparing but you won't come up on top anymore, she will be better at this, better at that...
A dedicated father and husband gets home from work, pulls up his sleeves and says to his wife "what do you need?"
They are a team.
Your therapist is a moron. Accept a functional alcoholic for who he is. So enable his addiction so it can get completely out of control and not only destroy him but destroy those around him. Fantastic advice!
Get a new therapist who can help you work on setting healthy boundaries, help you decide what you want in life and take steps towards it.
If you are unhappy the relationship is broken. If he doesn't care to help fix it by working on the issues then there is your answer.