Weirdness post.
My parents were discussing how they'd like to be buried. My dad wants to be buried on a family plot where a great great grand uncle was buried. This uncle died as an 20 month old. My father and his brother were tracing family and went to this very old cemetery. The story goes that the family owned a farm and obviously something happened and they bought a family plot. Unfortunately, this little one was buried first. No one really knows what he died from but you could make an educated guess.
Shortly after, they packed up and moved. The family plot remained, and it apparently is still apart of the assets to this day. However, the baby was never buried with his parents or any other siblings or family members. He is just on his own.
My dad, his nephew, thinks that's totally unfair that he is all alone and wants to be buried there. He naturally needs permission from the current owner, which is a cousin of his. There's still no other family members there so it means a lot for my dad to be buried with him.
And so mom wants to be buried there as well.
I hate talking about this as it comes up frequently and we all know their wishes. I think it's morbid and have said so. I have told them to write it all down so when we are all emotional and planning the final arrangements, we can do so respectfully.
But right in the moment, I don't feel like they understand that I have my own feelings about how I would like my final arrangements to be made. I don't have a husband, and it's not a good idea to discuss thos with my child as it put him in this sort of uncomfortable situation as I feel.
I then chimmed in saying since we are talking about burials, I would like to be buried in a sustainable way. I explained the process and then they told me it was a scam after laughing about how they rake through the compose afterwards to get implants or whatever else out with a garden rake and give the family the dirt left over. Apparently that's hilarious. I am serious though. Anything could happen and I might go before them and really what would they do?
Then I was told that it was a scam and there's really only two options... 1 burial or 2 cremation.
I said that I wouldn't want to take up space so cremation it is and I hope mom doesn't keep the ashes next to the two dogs and cat she cremated and kept in urns. I said, sprinkle them at my favourite beach which is unpatroled and really peaceful. I told them where, when and what I'd like.
The comment was "we tried sprinkling your grandfathers ashes at a beach once, but it was windy and blew back on us."
Well, choose a different windless day was my opinion.
Then it was suggested that my said ashes be deposited into he ocean, which my mother said something about a shark might eat me.
I said wouldn't that be preferable to being blown back on by wind and ending up being washed in the laundry?
My parents looked at each other, looking a little uncomfortable and must of realised I had put a lot of thought into this, which I have since for along time.
The truth is, I was mentally unwell and suicidal for a long time. Going as far as planning my death and almost going forward with it on one occasion. I've been hospitalised twice. The last time I was hospitalised was about 6 years ago. I am stable now but I am very sensitive about death and the process.
No one takes me seriously because I use humour to hide a lot of pain. I do try to be direct, by asking but I'm often ignored. By the time people realise that I'm serious, it's usually oy when they feel some sort of discomfort and they usually take the opinion of why didn't you just say so nd be assertive??
People just never listen and I wish people could respect me more.
How do I get my message across and be taken seriously because I never seem to be heard or taken seriously until it's too late.
4 Replies
I would suggest putting this formally in writing with your will as a part of your final wishes and making your executor aware and someone you trust. The beach/ocean is a lovely place and we have done this for family members. Somewhere of special significance for you. Really it's whoever remains who will visit your resting place and so it's more about what they feel comfortable with. I do not want my children to feel guilt for not visiting my grave or maintaining it. Your parents may be nervous about this discussion due to your mental health problems in the past. They may try to make light of it and not want to seriously consider you passing before them. That is a parents worst nightmare. It's possible they do not want to consider you passing before them at all <3
I underwent assertiveness training as part of CBT with a psychologist. It was very helpful.
On the one hand you don't want to talk about your parents wishes because it makes you uncomfortable but on the other you want them to take notice of yours?
1. When they talk about theirs. Listen, be respectful, and you know what? Just answer with "it will be done as you say if it's within my power". I'd say you're only hearing it because no-one is validating it. Validate it and the discussion may come to an end until such time it needs to be bought back up.
2. You want a sustainable end? Stand by it! You were told there's 2 options and your choice isn't one of them? You obviously know damned well it's an option or you wouldn't have chosen it, so why roll over and pick the least offensive (to you) of two you don't want. If you want to be taken seriously - back yourself. "Well no, actually there's more than those old fashioned 2 options and my choice is this. If I can't rely on anyone to fulfil it for me I'll appoint a trustee to do so".
Green burials are quite new and most states only have 1, maybe 2, places that do them. Perhaps when your parents say it isn't an option, they just mean that there isn't anywhere that does them where you live?
I like the idea above. Find out specifics and put it in your will.