My daughter ( almost 18) is very intelligent, healthy, hardworking and talented although I feel she lacks empathy for others. I’m sad because when she says rude , cruel things , she doesn’t own it. She has to be right. She feels she’s just being honest and outspoken although her words can cut. How do I deal with this? I’ve tried and cried and I feel horrible
8 Replies
Have you tried being rude back.
I think some people don’t get it until they hear it being done to themselves.
She’s at an age now where the world will not make allowances for her, so if she doesn’t learn the lessons from you, she’s in for a lonely life.
It’s ok if that’s the choices she makes, and continues to make, but it’s not ok for you to stop her learning those lessons, by saving her. By that I mean, if people don’t want to live with her, employers sack her etc it’s not ok to save the day.
Your going to have to let her face the consequences and if she chooses to she will adapt.
You may want to have a think though, could this be something that was missed. Autism in girls often gets missed until adult hood. Are there signs of something you’ve missed? That is something you could gently suggest and nudge her towards help for?
Time to sit back and let her face the natural consequences. She'll soon learn that saying hurtful, unnecessary things for the sake of being outspoken doesn't make you edgy or cool - it makes you a bitch. You be a bitch to someone long enough, eventually they'll want nothing to do with you.
It may come down to her losing a few friendships/relationships, being called out by people and possibly even meeting her match for her to develop that self awareness.
Whenever I've caught my kids judging someone I point out something they do that's not perfect or I will give a possible reason that they may not be able to relate to because of different life experiences. Just to get them thinking and learning to say to themselves, am I guilty of that too? Maybe there's a reason they do that? If I haven't been in that be situation then I shouldn't judge.
Urgh this sounds like my eldest. I sit there and wonder why my other children have empathy and she seems so self-absorbed. The good news is there is still time. At 18 they still think the world revolves around them and sometimes they are lovely to everyone else but us. I however have hope for her. I look at all the other things she is successful at and know that she will find her own path and eventually she may look for her mumma. Her brain is still developing, give it more time x
My son was awfully rude to me the other day. His comment was that he was just being truthful and honest.
It got to the point that I gave in and was rude back to him. I described how if he continues the way he does, he will start loosing people and people will not want to be around him because of his unpleasant nature. I also told him he will grow up very lonely, disappointed and not understand why this has all happened because he was a spoilt immature 17 year old who felt entitled enough to be "honest" in his sarcastic, hurtful, arrogant, unhelpful opinion. Then I got up and said he should think about that and walked away.
He needed to hear it because if he didn't, he wouldn't learn.
I've also made him get a job in customer service to teach him how to speak to people. Someone's already told him not to be rude, which he was surprised to hear. So if your daughter isn't working, make her get a job.
Customers and managers will quickly tell her exactly how her behaviour triggers a reaction regardless if it is honest, cruel or abrupt.
I wholeheartedly agree with this!
People we know personally tend to tolerate our rudeness and nasty comments out of love, not saying that's right but it's the reality.
Whereas an employer, a colleague or a customer will definitely hold you accountable for your shit.
I've worked hospo/retail for a long time and I have seen many arrogant teens/young adults get absolutely humbled. Dealing with difficult and deliberately rude customers is also an unfortunate part of the job, when you're on the receiving end of needless dickery it definitely teaches you to be more considerate and thoughtful.
I worked as a checkout chick at coles from age 15 to 21, throughout my study years.
It did the opposite for me, turned me from a nice, compassionate person to a hostile checkout operator lol
Me and the public don't mix.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with Coles. I currently work for them and interact almost daily with the public. It is emotionally taxing and all you want is respite when you get home. However, when faced with a teenage child who speaks to you like he is an entitled customer and claims its his right to be honest in this way, it is hurtful.
A lot of the time I've seen how people in retail change their interactions with others once they realise we are treated poorly.
Hopefully he sees this and understands that he needs to re think how his truth comes out and the impact he has upon others.