Hey guys I’m after some genuine help. I am a mom to 3 boys ages 21, 17 and 11. I have been with my husband there dad for over 25 years. I feel very alienated in my home with my family. I want to exclude my 11 year old as I don’t feel this way with my little boy at all, he’s not apart of what I am feel towards my husband and 2 other sons. Everytime there is an argument or disagreement with the family my kids and husband seem to understand each others opinion and perception but not mine, I am told often I am repeating myself when it comes to issues within the same argument which I know I am doing but in my defence it’s because my issue isn’t being understood or resolved and I am for the most part in a disagreement with my children and husband where they all understand each other but not me, I walk away feeling incredibly dismissed in every way. I have tried to ignore and be the bigger person and just get over it, but it happens everyday, almost everything I say, feel or my opinions are not understood, misunderstood whilst everyone else gets their validation and respect from one another. Then to top it all off I see how an argument between each other that I am not involved in still gets understood by one another and rectified or spoken about later on and sorted out. But that’s just rarely the case with me, again I walk away feeling devalued and dismissed and cry myself to sleep, then mostly from my partner I get a message saying are we all good and I just say yes cause I know if I don’t I’ll be there trying to feeling validated and understood for no reason. I am also told I talk too much about issue I have and need to keep it simple and direct but I feel I do this cause I have felt I have always had to explain myself, advocate for myself and explain my intention and meaning behind what I was trying to say. I work from home and don’t bring in as much money as my husband, I clean, cook, vacuum, mop etc just like any other normal mom does, the other day I was taking bookings and payments and my son and husband was cleaning the front and back yard and my 17 year old came into me and said to me “you bitch about the house needing to be cleaned and here you are doing nothing while dad works 13 hour days and comes home and cleans” this broke my heart to know he sees what value his dad brings but doesn’t see what value I bring. I’d also like to mention that I haven’t been well for years and my health has deteriorated to the point where I am bed ridden most days and in so much pain where I am on constant pain relief or I end up in hospital, i have Adenomyosis and suspected endometriosis and the back pain is horrendous and deliberating, I am a shell of who I used to be. I have surgery coming up, A’s hysterectomy as my womb is diseased, and this in itself is so hard breaking, as I will never be able to carry a child again, this has broken me. My husband has been helping me best I can, and I’d like to mention that he did not agree with what my 17 year old said to me. I have told both of my boys that I have to protect myself emotionally from them as it’s making me sick and hurting me too much with their disrespect towards me. My oldest called me a fucking dick head the other day cause I was being silly and making a light hearted joke about his room needing to be cleaned as me and my husband have made new rules about there room being cleaned before they leave the house, he then continued to insult me stating are you even an adult, how old are you. Anyway, tonight we were having a talk to my oldest son and he wasn’t being open to a suggestion my husband mentioned, and I said you don’t have to consider it right now but please considered it down the line, my husband was telling me to stop saying it but I felt like as his mum I needed to make sure he agreeed/ understood what I was saying, and my husband then said he’s just not receptive to you, you need to just stop talking, I said okay maybe it’s just best I don’t talk at all and he said yeh just don’t speak, so I just left the conversation hurt, not because of what my husband said but because my son isn’t receptive to me any time no matter what conversation topic it is, and it just hurt my heart. My husband came into to speak to me about it and assumed I was angry at him and said that he didn’t want to hear what I was saying in that moment, and I didn’t pick up on the cues but continued to speak to make it about myself, I told him that wasn’t the case, I was just trying to help our son. My husband knows how I feel isolated and treated different, states everyone doesn’t like how I repeat myself, I told him I only do that cause I feel I am not being heard
And I am trying to sort out my issue but it’s been years and never gets sorted, I get so nervous speaking to my kids and my husband about anything, even normal convos to the point where I repeat myself and shake. Like I am so scared of being judged even over funny stuff or just normal convos. I just feel like my family doesn’t see me for who I am, but they see each other for who they are. i told my husband that maybe something is wrong with me, people misunderstand me all the time even friends, and he said well that says a lot, maybe you need to ask yourself why all these people misunderstand you and figure out what’s wrong with you.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I didn’t make it out of surgery. Why do people only see the value in others or those they’re meant to love and care for when they’re no longer here. Is my kids and my husband only going to see me and understand me when I am no longer here anymore.
I’m at the point where I am ready to just emotionally detach and just do my own thing. Get better, get a new job, find my independence and my tribe.
My husband and my kids take the light out of me when I least expect it. They say things like that sounds stupid or doesn’t make sense when I tell them a story or my opinion on something.
I just need some advice. I’m not sure if I can stay in this nor so I know if I have the Strength to fight or demand what I need and deserve. I am not well and just don’t know if I can continue to do this anymore.
16 Replies
Your husband is a simple pig, doesn’t value you or put effort into even pretending to try to understand and acknowledge your feelings. And your grown boys have followed in his footsteps. If you had a girl, they’d treat her like they treat you. When they have a wife, they will too. It’s gross. Stop feeling bad for having feelings, and having them hurt. Stop trying to explain yourself, they don’t get it because they’re not trying and don’t care to - so don’t tell them it’s ok. Tell them to sort it out. You don’t have to explain to them what you do every minute of the day to tell them they’re being rude disrespectful pigs towards you. You just don’t tolerate their judgement, don’t tolerate them speaking to you like this, and start with your partner. Stop telling him everything is ok because he can’t bother to deal with you if you have any other response.
Edited to add - and considering you’ve lived with this gaslighting for so many years then I’m not surprised you’ve changed, you can’t speak, you can’t hold your own, you have a physical reaction at the thought of it. You know that’s not healthy, don’t you? I do think you should go and speak to someone. Yes you should go and find your people. Find your spark, do the things you love, find the people who you enjoy being with, it will be good for you.
I thought the same.
In a nutshell, your partner is highly abusive (emotionally/psychologically) and your kids have learnt to do the same.
To add insult to injury, your partner is highly manipulative and acts like he has nothing to do with it/doesn't agree with what they're doing.
Trust me, if he had a problem with their treatment of you, he would stop it/do something about it.
You are basically the punching bag in a highly toxic home.
I'm sorry, my answer sounded so clinical.
Sending you love, you don't deserve that treatment lovely.
You are as worthy as anyone else of an opinion, thought or feeling.
I'm sorry this is happening to you x
This!
You are truly right. I have spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me cause I had my husband and 2 sons understanding each others view point and making me think mine was delusion or crazy, I didn’t make sense apparently. I have spent along time subconsciously altering myself as a person to try and fit into their “world” it was like I felt I had to because I’m their mum and his my husband but during that time I lost a big part of myself, the truth is I am not accepted for who I am, apparently that’s not true they say, but you cannot accept or jabs acceptance for someone when you judge and criticise almost every thing about them. Maybe it’s a lie my husband tells himself to make him feel better. I have told them multiple times they disrespect And devalue me, I have screamed it, sobbed about it, spoke calmly and clearly, I have stopped speaking to them all but the one thing I haven’t been able to do is leave, cause I don’t have enough money too and I always end up feeling guilty. I don’t want to divorce my husband he does have light within him somewhere I still see and experience that sometimes, but I do wonder if I was just to pack and leave and stand my ground if it would wake him up enough to see what I do bring and what I do mean, that saying you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. When I get better and get myself into a better position financially I will test this out and hope it helps to change things, If it doesn’t I may have to leave cause I know if I stay the hurt and pain will eventually make me sick later on in life, it already has :( thank you so much for you message, I truly appreciate it 💗
No he probably won’t change, it takes a special person to gaslight and abuse someone to the point of changing and breaking them. It’s not about him, you have to think about you. You being healthy. You only get one life to live, don’t waste it being unhappy and disrespected. Please start speaking to someone who can help you unravel and understand all this, they are really, really helpful. This is definitely domestic violence, by the way, don’t underestimate it and know that you would be welcomed and supported by dv support services. All the best love.
Ps. You write you’re feeling very clearly and articulately - you see how not one person here has had any trouble understanding what you’re saying AND we believe and empathise with what you’re saying is happening to you. There is NOTHING wrong with you.
The kids learn this attitude from there dad. Dad is the problem!
Pack your car and go leave and don’t tell them where you are going. Give them a scare that they need to wake up to themselves and start respecting you. Your husband sounds like a d..! He is manipulating and should be supportive of you. He is their problem and why they are the way that they are. I’d go book in somewhere for a week and not tell them where you are. Let them think about how they treat you.
Pack your belongings Mumma and get out of there with your 11 year old and start a new life for yourself. You need to leave him and be happy. Your husband is the main cause of this. They treat you like this because he does and he encourages them. You need to leave and go be free. Take your little boy and let them live their lives together. Don’t put up with it. He’s destroying you.
This makes me so sad as I know how this feels. My ex used to even speak over the top of me. I eventually stopped talking and internalised so much pain. You need to speak to a DV counsellor or someone who will understand. They will help you to realise the problem is not you!
You mentioned lots of health problems, the body keeps the score from internalising the trauma. By the time I left I was vomiting every day. We do not even realise how much these things damage our health.
I started to overthink and become awkward in every conversation I had which made other people look at me oddly so then I internalised the whole 'they do not understand me and I am just crazy'. This is being reinforced by your husband and your boys have taken his crappy attitude on. He may disagree with the name calling but the message is still the same. They have been schooled by him.
Please do not give up, seek help <3 there is a different life out there waiting for you. I have walked the walk. My youngest does not want much to do with my ex and I thank the lord I left early enough for them.
Take care
Poster here: I stood my ground. There has been no response but for some
Reason I feel calm and clear. Here’s what I wrote to my husband.
“You and everyone else can start to take accountability for how I have been treated instead of turning it souly onto me to where I have to continually own my side and repeat myself. I am done repeating myself to be met with no resolution or respect. It’s caused unnecessary harm over the years. We have spent years talking about what’s wrong with me, now it’s time to look at yourself. I have also realised if you didn’t approve of the way the boys spoke to me you would have had them stop a long time ago. Last night was disgusting, you didn’t even communicate, You just went off with nothing but judgment and criticism, like I am not human. You know how I feel but choose not to care. And ontop of all that I am sick and yet here you are rejecting my affection on days where I feel well enough that I am able to be myself. Then on top of that I have surgery in 3 weeks to remove my fucking womb, and you can’t even give me a safe space to prepare myself. I know you rely on the fact I have no where to go, so it’s easier for you to not make the changes you know I deserve. If my business brought it more money, you wouldn’t be coming home to me or our 11 year old, and I wouldn’t come back until every part of me was heard!”
Thank you all so much, you’ve all ignited a strength in me I haven’t felt for over 3 years. I cannot thank you all enough, it’s truly a gift to me and provided me with the support I truly needed 💗💗
Good! Now stick with it. Don’t get dragged in to over explaining yourself. They know exactly what they’re doing. They know enough about you to know to respect their wife and mother.
Good luck with your op beautiful, wishing you a speedy recovery.
You're an extremely tough person, to not be broken by them.
That fire is still within you, don't forget it, get well and then you can start making some changes.
Your future is bright, I can feel it xxx
Stick to it but be wary they sometimes get worse when they see any sign of strength. They like you in that submissive position. So watch for the deliberate baiting or put downs. They may also go back to grooming to ensure they are your source of self-worth which means when they slip back into the nasty behaviour you are more likely to believe them and tolerate it.
Please still consider speaking to a DV counsellor so you are aware of all the resources available to help you to leave if needed. It does not mean you have to leave, it just means you are supported if you choose to. They are also great for helping you to recognise the patterns in a DV relationship, it truly is eye opening and a huge relief when you realise you are in fact not crazy at all. Years later you look back and cannot believe all the crapola you put up with. You deserve so much love and respect, even if you cannot see it right now x
Omg thank goodness I read your response to them- cause fuck them kids and their father!
They speak to you like fucking shit! I was so glad to read that you’ve held your ground xxx
I hope your letter has had a good impact on your husband and his treatment of you.
Good luck with your up coming surgery. Getting your uterus removed is huge and so should be getting support from all you loved ones.
Please come back and let us know how things are going.