Would you want to know why, a parent has deemed your child a bad influence on their child that they have gone so out of their way to avoid any contact between the two.
We moved last year. My kids had a really ruff start to last year, and a change in school mid year was great on most of outr kids but my 13yo 7th grader wasn't all that impressed. She went from being such a sweet young girl to a teen with attitude I never thought would come from her. She's not a bad kid, but she did get into a little trouble, mostly just walking out of school with out a pass and found vaping. (EDIT.....! There were 8 girls vaping and there is no way to know who owned the vape) Things I'm disappointed in but she's done nothing I'd consider a reason to lable her a bad influence.
This girl lives 2 doors down from us. She's sweet, and also a bit of a rebellious teen. She too has not had a great few years, and her family is known to be quite ruff and petty thugs.. She's not popular at school, she's often bullied, and has very few friends. No self-esteem. She told us that once our daughter started, she wasn't bullied as much, and she felt happier. Then late last year, she told my daughter that her mum said she was a bad influence and they couldn't be friends any more. They still hung out at school. This year, the mother now walks her too and from the bus stop to prevent the girls from talking. They look at each other and its clear they want to hang out so badly. We see this as we walk our younger kids to school where the bus stop is.
What should I do...? If my daughter has done something drastic enough for this to be the result, I'd like to know, so I can deal with it. My child is no saint, and I'm not about to pull the "my child can do no wrong act" but knowing the family history, I dont want to risk having the whole mob landing on my doorstep in a rage that they are known for. Should I just let it drop and allow the girls to be friends in secret? Or try and find out what my daughter has done to gain this lable.
26 Replies
Every parent is going to have there own standards, for when it’s time to draw the line in the sand. Some parents are going to have a very low threshold.
Sometimes it’s just that two kids together trigger each other and are bad influences on each other than the kids themselves doing anything serious.
My son and this other kid at school needed to be separated, both kids were great apart, but together, pains in the butt and just plain silly and disruptive. They just bounced off each other wrong, despite enjoying each others company.
I would be concerned if my kid was hanging out with someone who was vaping and walking out of school too. Not sure I’d go to the extremes the mother is going to, but I wouldn’t be encouraging the relationship either.
Just encourage your daughter to be the best she can be and focus on your own kid making other friends. Nothing good can come from a conversation with the other parents and it’s likely to get nasty, and you don’t want that while you live close.
BTW it may not have anything to do with your daughters behaviour. It might be that the family is worried about there daughter getting close to anybody.
Agree it might not be something your daughter has done but a growing issue so now the mother is roping in her child to try to pull her in line.
I'm going to be honest, your daughter is only in year 7 and wagging school and vaping.
To me, as a parent, that is pretty serious.
As the other poster said, I would not get as involved as the other mother, but I would also would not want my kid hanging out with yours.
They are so influenced by their peers at that age, that you want them to have friends that are good influences.
Yes I would just ask what your daughter has done. Not confrontational just you would like to know what your daughter has done so you can deal with her. Some parents really do think their kids can't do anything wrong and if they do something wrong it has to be someone else's fault because no way did their own child think to do that by themselves 🙄.
The child’s easily led and the mother is steering her away from a bad influence. It doesn’t mean your kid is bad, but it’s fair enough she doesn’t want her kid to start following a friend that vapes and skips school, even if that is all she’s done . I would just let it go, it’s not personal, it’s just you each have different priorities. tell your daughter it’s sad but understandable that’s what happens when you make bad choices. If she showed positive changes the mother would probably love for her daughter to have a friend so close by.
You're judging her family yet asking us not to judge yours?
Your daughter is vaping and skipping school in the 7th grade. The other mum probably thinks you haven't got your shit together and probably wonders how your daughter got the vape and idea that this is all acceptable in the first place PLUS you've changed schools so that reinforces he feeling that those two shouldn't be mixing outside of school.
There's more to it.
The last part about all of them coming up on the property demanding answers and how they are known for it, why would you encourage that relationship anyway??
I'm not judging, their family is very well known to B&E's, riots with police, their entire family lobbing in pubs and clubs just to trash the place and selling drugs. This os a real concern when trying to figure out how to deal with this situation
But there is no situation, this is best case for you, zero contact, zero issues.
Have you considered that maybe this girl's mother simply wants better for her child?
My husband came from one of "those" families and I grew up around enough of that for it to be what I knew as normal. When we got out into the real world and had our own kids, we began to see that there was so much more to life and what healthy, funcional family dynamics looked like. We've been pretty determined to end that cycle with us so that our kids have every opportunity to succeed that my husband and I didn't have.
Kids like your daughter who have made a series of bad decisions, they kind of represent that wrong path that most parents worry their child will go down. I have 2 kids your daughters age, peer influence is always a worry. Your daughters friend is particularly vulnerable to peer influence because she's been bullied, has had a tough time with school, her self esteem in in the toilet.
There's possibly a lesson in here for your daughter as well. Sometimes when you make silly choices, you can develop this reputation that precedes you.
Ultimately though, this mother owes you no explanation. I'd let this one go and just focus on your daughter. The girls can still hang out at school
100%
My partner said the same, that they are trying to break the cycle.
Is wagging not common anymore? Or smoking, which has been replaced with vaping? I was smoking, drinking and wagging occasionally from year 7 all the way back in the 90's and I was one of the good kids lol! All my friends Mum's thought the sun shone out of my bum. I just find it so funny that this is considered to be extremely bad behaviour there are kids out there that age that are breaking into houses and beating up old ladies, if their behaviour is hurting nobody but themselves then it's not bad. It's definitely not good but it's not that bad, it's workable.
You obviously have much lower standards and maybe you grew up in a rougher area?
Just because behaviour is victimless, doesn't mean it isn't destructive to the individual doing it.
Growing up, I saw kids start hanging out with the wrong crowd and got into things that completely changed the direction of their life.
It's not a joke, I've seen friends end up drug addicts, committing suicide, in gaol etc.
This child is only in year 7, it's a bad indication of things to come, no-one wants that for their child.
Or it may lead to nothing and everything will be perfectly fine, you just never know.
Not lower standards maybe I'm just more in touch with reality? I also used to work in a high school around 15 years ago so I do know this is not extreme behaviour at all.
So you worked in a high school where wagging and smoking was "common" in year 7?
Geez, was it in a low socioeconomic area?
Would like to know the ICSEA rating of the school, if you know it.
😂. I'm not sure why you think this behaviour is only limited to low socioeconomic areas? That is hilarious. I hope you wake up before your kids hit high school 😳
Mine are both at the end of their high school journey, that's why I'm surprised at what you're saying.
I also have a close family member who is a principal, another a teacher at high school and what you're saying just doesn't ring true from where I'm from.
Unfortunately lower socioeconomic areas have poorer school attendance/school engagement and less positive overall education outcomes.
I'm not sure what is so funny about this topic (the lols)?
There's bad behaviour in all schools. If your friends are saying they don't deal with any issues at all they are lying or completely oblivious.
Where did I say they don't have bad behaviour?
Because wagging and smoking aren't common in year 7?
Very black and white thinking.
Most kids are vaping it's all the rage right now. Smoking is definitely not as common now as it was in the 90s amongst high schoolers but vaping definitely, and all sorts of things are going in vapes.
I agree that vaping is currently out of control but you said "smoking" and 15 years ago.
In the end, I guess we all just have different standards for our kids.
These days they can't wag without getting found out due to the technology (parents get a text).
Thankfully my kids have never done it and if they did, it would be a big deal.
We also discuss vaping regularly and they know, after watching me quit cigarettes, how much of a big deal it would be to me if they started vaping.
They tell me they have no interest due to hating it when I smoked, so ironically, my smoking actually stopped them and the reason I stopped, was so they wouldn't smoke.
I've been lucky, my teens are at the end, coming out the other side, and I've had very few issues..
From my experience, year 7s are usually pretty good, 8s and 9s are hell and then they even out in year 10.
Also, things settle down when the disengaged kids reach that age where they don't have to come to school anymore, that always helps.
Wagging in year 7 is kind of a big deal.
That girl might be blaming your daughter for things she is doing?
If you have the opportunity to chat to the mum and get to know each other that could help.
I wouldn’t go up to her or anything. Maybe her daughter has blamed your daughter for things.
By your description I wouldn’t want my kids to be friends with them anyway.