He can't help himself. He's selfish, and when we try to deal with it, he loses the plot and blames every one else.
My son is 12. Nothing in the house is untouchable, be it money, food, drinks, chargers or anything else. He's stollen alot of money off his father, and money keeps going walk about from his 10yo brothers wallet so his hidden it behind a picture on the wall. We takes every ones chargers, tablets and phones because he wants them. Special foods like birthday cake, deserts, all get eaten. Cans of soft drink never last long, they are for every one, but he will take it all. Snacks put aside for school lunches will be eaten in one day. He just ate an entire jar of tella in 2 days, I keep finding random spoons around the house. Siblings lollies they got with their own money.
We don't know how to deal with it. He's ADHD, and ODD.. he won't take accountability for his actions, and even trying to deal with it, ends in a hostile abuse on his part.
HELP
17 Replies
This is one for professionals
Stop buying the junk crap food and soft drink and if you do buy it leave it in the car and have it once he goes to bed. He obviously needs to see a psychologist and get out to someone who will listen to him, what he is going through
On the inside. Take him to a Dr and get a referral and a care plan and get him someone to talk to. He is getting older and this doesn’t need to go into his teenage years. I feel for this little boy.
She needs answers in the meantime. Wait lists are horrendous.
She does but this has been going on for a long time now. Her last post wasn’t very nice about him and I really felt for him.
And I’m not saying she can’t post again she can post as many times as she likes but with his medical conditions and junk food etc she will get the same answers with the same questions each time.
Yep, what’s been tried in the year since this exact post and the same attitude towards him was last posted?
Last post.....? Iv never posted about my son before. You shouldn't just assume crap like that, how damaging and unhelpful
That’s ok then if it wasn’t you last time. Plenty of advice here. Hope you can find him some professional help.
I assumed it was the same poster too, with the same old problems.
It is, she called him that last time and said the same things on every other post that it wasn’t her. Either way the advice is here for her, she can take it or leave it this one is up to the professionals.
All the crap food and soft drink is prob contributing to his behaviour! Why are you still buying it? This has been going on for a long time. Several posts later. Get him some professional help!
He won’t take accountability because doesn’t understand what is going on and why he is feeling the way he does daily and his siblings aren’t. You both need to see a psychologist
I don’t think you understand his medical conditions. I think you all
Need professional help and learn how to cope and how you are reacting to him. He isn’t naughty. He is struggling with his conditions that he doesn’t understand himself.
He likely ends up being hostile because he feels attacked. I get it, you don’t know how to handle his behaviour and it’s a vicious cycle 🔄
Re-evaluate what’s being brought into the house. Limit the junk coming in and provide healthy alternatives.
Are you sure, he specifically, is taking the money from everyone? If so what’s he buying with it? You want to be sure here that the ‘naughty kid’ isn’t being used as the scapegoat. Have you considered a small amount of pocket money in exchange for small jobs.
Name the chargers, everyone has their own with their own name/colour. I have a house of 5 kids (was 7 kids but bigger ones moved out) and they forever were stealing chargers cause it was easier than finding their own. He’s taking them for a reason, and maybe it’s attention based. Does he get one on one attention? Is that positive or negative interactions.
What does accountability look like to you? Maybe he needs to be held ‘accountable’ in a way that makes sense for him and a way that he can understand what he’s done and what the consequences should look like. Is the conversation around ‘accountability’ done when everyone is calm or angry?
Is he medicated? If not, have you considered it as an option? If he is, maybe it’s time to look at a different one (although that’s only going to help with part of the issues)
Is he in therapy? If so ask for suggestions and support. If not, look into it and try to get to the root of the issues here.
Have you done any courses that support or enhance your ability to improve parenting a child with complex needs? What worked and what didn’t? If not, have you considered it?
You have hit the nail on the head here. Scapegoat.
Commenter here: I only asked all this because my now 18 year old was just like this child (in terms of diagnosis) he had ADHD, ODD and CD he was a brat to raise (and now knows it) but there was a time, all the blame got placed on him for things the other siblings were doing. It’s easy to fall into that trap.
What worked for my son was the above, healthier food options, medication (multiple changes), therapy and support for myself to better parent him. Also changing my interactions with him to compliment his positive behaviours more then his negative behaviours. More one on one time that was also positive in nature and geared towards his interest and not mine or the rest of the families.
My son still has some mental health issues, but we also now have a beautiful relationship because he always knew that I’d always have his back (after realising, though support therapy for myself, that my way of ‘helping’ him didn’t look like help TO him at all).
We started the therapy and support process when he was 8-9 years old though, but it’s not to late to make changes now. Kids do better when they know how to do better.
This is his ADHD and ODD. Even before you said he was diagnosed I knew he must be. Impulsive behaviour and defiance are hallmarks of the neurotype, as well as sensory/dopamine seeking.
You can't expect change or for him to succeed in overcoming his impulses without putting some tools in place. He needs to be medicated (if he isn't already), he needs therapy and he needs an outlet for his energy.
And you can't expect change if you continue to call him names like "sticky-fingered, selfish asshat". God that's cruel. Even if you don't call him that to his face, I'm certain he's heard a bazillion variations on this his entire life. He's probably now in a mindset of being the "bad kid" with "behaviour problems" so doesn't even bother trying, especially with family who don't believe in him. Poor kid. Kids who grow up as the family's scapegoat don't do better the more you put them down. They lean into that role and end up in worse trouble.
You've got time to turn this around but you have to get him help and truly believe in him and his abilities, and you have to SHOW him you believe in him.
Check out resources on ADHD and parenting ODD/PDA:
https://drrossgreene.com/the-explosive-child.htm
https://youtu.be/_tpB-B8BXk0