I have been in my relationship for just over 2 years. We are both in our 40's.
My partner came with a lot of baggage from a previous abusive relationship with the mother of his children. Basically he explains it like he grew used to being constantly in battle. We were friends first and knew each other when we were younger but when we reconnected our relationship quickly grew into a romantic one where we couldn't get enough of each other. He was great at communicating, we had fun together, intelligent conversation and the sex was next level amazing.
Fast forward to now and I feel as though he's not happy unless he's unhappy. He is always moody, cranky and negative (which he does have ongoing issues from previous relationship along with extreme parental alienation by his ex partner which I fully understand how tough this would be as I have children myself).
We rarely have sex, probably once a month and he simply refuses to discuss it or gets angry if I bring it up "because I'm pulling the guilts and making him feel like he's not enough". I am mature in my approach and don't necessarily "blame" it all on him but I am now at the point where I'm struggling to feel connected to him on an intimate level. I'm irritable, grumpy and feeling very unwanted and unloved.
PLEASE HELP as I love this man but I am left feeling like I want to give up. I've had a few relationships in my adult life and really want us to work but I'm struggling to see a way through this.
Any advice you can give would be so appreciated. Thank you š
8 Replies
So, you're coming out of the honeymoon period, it's been 2 years and this is who he really this.
This is how often he wants to have sex.
What I have learnt in life is.....you don't get to change someone, you simply look at who they are and what they're offering and either take it or leave it.
It's only been 2 years and look at how you feel, please pass on this one.
Yes I guess you may be right. I have been feeling lately like I either deal with how he is or leave. He does have other issues like depression and anxiety so I feel bad for that and like I'm not understanding but realistically I have been more than supportive. I have those same issues myself but deal with things differently but his attitude is really rubbing off on me and I am just struggling to see the good in anything. I have recently reached a couple of major milestones in life (I am the major breadwinner, which is not an issue for me) and feel that these should be some of my happiest times but his negativity is taking over everything and I am struggling to keep my own head above water because of it.
I saw a quote ages ago that stuck with me, I feel like it fits perfectly here.
It was along the lines of, if you don't heal yourself before starting a new relationship you bleed all over someone who didn't cut you.
You are copping the fall out from all his unresolved trauma and that is terribly unfair. To use the above analogy - he's bleeding all over you right now.
There's only so much support and understanding you can offer in these situations before the negativity and dysfunction starts weighing you down too. I think it'd be safe to say that you're getting to that point now, yeah?
I know you really want this relationship to work out but I think you may need to accept the reality that it probably won't unless he starts actively managing his mental health and dealing with his past.
I think end it and be friends if you can. Life is too short and this will only get worse
Be careful, it sounds like heās setup this relationship with you already having lots of pity for him (empathy) and understanding for his moods and behaviours. Then youāve got a fantastic start that has dwindled into āhappiest when heās unhappyā which is most likely his real personality/state that is coming out as he gets comfortable and can stop putting in that first effort that was just to hook you, now take care because the next phase is where he gets worse and worse and the bar gets lower and lower because you āunderstand him and want it to workā and hold on for it to be as great as it was at the start.
Youāve written it yourself. Take care, keep your standards high, and make decisions on the treatment you are getting now - not what he once was/ what he could be/ not considering his issues or wanting it to work.
Beautiful explanation of how women sometimes sink into abusive relationships.
Any chance this is who he was in his prior relationship?? I have an ex who carries on about me poisoning the kids against him but he was an abusive SOB. Be very careful as they always come in with a sob story. I rescued him from his ex who he also had children with and he came in making out she was the devil too. He's now convinced his new wife the same about me. It's a pattern.
I found a man years later who had a difficult past but he never uses it in any way to justify bad behaviour and still treats his ex with respect. I still think the sun shines out his bum and it's been over 6 years.
It may not be true of your man but he either seeks help for his behaviour or he is using it because there is some pay off involved in playing the victim.
Did I write this?! No answers here but Iām 4 years down the track and miserable. I keep wishing heāll get help and do the work for his depression and anxiety like he says he will but he doesnāt. Iām now quite stressed being around him and in a trauma pattern of emotional DV and struggling to come to the terms with trying to leave.