Hi everyone,
I’m not sure where to start with this, hubby and I have been together 16 years. He’s a great guy, a great dad, a great provider. Funny, sweet, kind and caring - legitimately ticks all the boxes.
But I feel like he is more a friend than a romantic partner. I love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore.
I’ve brought it up to him before, he’s agreed that we’ve just settled into our comforts, the spark is gone. We’ve tried to reignite the romance, both put in more effort but nothing eventuates from it. We still get along ok, no major arguments or disagreements, still have fun as a family and get along well as friends but it just doesn’t feel enough. It’s like we continue to put on a show as the perfect married couple/family when deep down I think we both know we aren’t the one for each other.
I’m not even sure what I’m asking, I guess does anyone have any advice from a similar situation? It feels like even though we aren’t in love anymore that staying together is easier so we don’t disappoint friends and family, so we give our kids the perfect family. So neither of us has to compromise and split times with the kids and because financially it works well.
11 Replies
There aren't many men out there as you described your hubby, trust me, I know.
Maybe you need to change your definition/expectation of what love is, because what you have, sounds like the real stuff, built over years, not the honeymoon phase, butterflies in your tummy, but the deep comfortable real bond.
This 🙌
Companionate love lasts much longer than passionate and this is what you are describing. We all lose a little of that spark once the honeymoon period ends. Your hubby is a woman's dream atm. There are plenty of divorced couples and a woman would snap him up very quickly as believe me a man like this is not easy to find.
I think shift the focus to going out or away with friends and pursuing hobbies separately. Then ensure you still spend some alone time together without kids, even a cruise or romantic getaway. You will probably find this gives you more to talk about and other ways to connect. Absence does make the heart grow fonder sometimes and I think if you saw what was at the clubs you would soon find a way to reignite that spark lol.
There is no such thing as the one. I’d take your relationship anyday.
Respect, partnership, beats a spark!
The spark rarely stays the entire long term relationship. My parents are coming up to 50 years, and they’ll openly tell you, that the spark can be gone for a long time and then come back, or maybe not.
Stick together just start going away with friends and do things separately. Give each other time to miss each other and have time out from the kids on your own having fun. I think we all feel like this a bit in a marriage. My husband is boring and we don’t do a lot together but it works because I do what I love doing and go travel with the kids and have fun, he doesn’t stop me but we get that time apart to look forward to seeing each other when I get back. If you still feel this way after making some changes then live together for a while until you can both work out what to do and what’s best for the kids.
The way you feel about your husband is normal! It's not meant to feel like butterflies in your stomach all of the time. It's meant to feel comforting. I definitely wouldn't be breaking up over this. I would do some new experiences together and go away on some dates or even a little holiday to get a night of sparks and butterflies back.
I’d go and see a relationship counsellor, just to talk through what you have. And I don’t think you should raise what you want and how to try to get it, I think you should explain what you have and hopefully can find ways to value that and see it as enough. That you don’t need butterflies. You’ve built a life with someone you’re genuinely friends with and that you like and trust. That really is something to value, you might need help seeing the value in it and seeing things differently.
Otherwise plan b, make a mad plan and do something crazy spontaneous together - go to Hawaii kid free.
Does he still love you? I think if he does then there’s something to work with. Relationships go through fazes. Maybe you need to do things together without the children…
You’re not going to have a big spark after that time. Love redefines itself in long term relationships. I would see a marriage counsellor, go for fun weekends away together and monthly dinners. Do you want to break your family up when nothing is really wrong. Sure, you may find romance with someone else but there are a lot of duds out there. Then you have a whole lot of other issues like step parents, a whole new life because your old one is gone. The grass isn’t always greener. If the only thing is spark and there are no other issues you would probably regret it if you left.
Maybe you need to miss each other. Maybe go on a holiday separately or go visit family if there in a different state.
I think what you’re describing is real, true love and respect between two people. I have been with my husband for 18 years and the spark and crushing love isn’t always there but I always choose to love him. He is a fantastic man, we love and respect each other immensely and the passion comes and goes and we often have to work to reconnect on that level.