Ok ladies (and guys) ...
I am fully aware that this sounds weird however I think I need to vent n would like some insight. It's a long one.
A very small group of friends and I went out for drinks last weekend (2.5 weeks ago now) and hit it off with a few guys that were in town from North Qld playing football. Two of the guys were brothers. We all danced and chatted until the club closed, then right before heading back to our motel one of the guys came and hugged me and asked where I was staying. We discovered we were staying at the same hotel so he said he'd be waiting for me in the lobby when I got back, which he was.
My friend's went to their rooms and this guy & I stayed downstairs in the lobby. We both were sharing very small rooms with another person & didn't feel comfortable in doing it with others in the room... Anyway he was really gentle and polite and told me his wife had died of Leukaemia 2 yrs ago and that he hadn't been with anybody since. He also told me he has a 7 yr old daughter and even went on to discuss how he has a great support system from both sets of grandparents. He told me where he worked and explained what he does amongst other general stuff, but there I am feeling guilty for this poor widower who's wife had passed away and he has to raise the lil girl on his own.
Anyway so yeah he asked if he could kiss me and it started heating up from there (yes in the lobby)... It wasn't long before I was honest and said that I don't do unprotected sex and plus I'm not on the pill. He says that's no worries, I've had the snip... Yeah I don't care that doesent stop disease now does it. So we fooled around and honestly I still had a great time...
I was pretty wasted and the more we kissed the more dizzy I started to get. It was around 5am by then and we agreed we would part ways and call it a night.
Right, so I hate to say it but curiosity got the better of me and a few days later I jumped on FB and looked up his footy team. His brother, bless him, gave us girls his REAL name which popped up in comments on the teams page. So I started clicking and well hello Mr C the widow is infact NOT a widow, and is a father of more than 1 child (he has a young son too). It wasn't hard to identify as he had shown me a photo of his daughter. His wife is very much alive & is absolutely gorgeous.
I feel so dirty. I have been cheated on by more than one filthy ex who effed around unprotected. I am glad that I didn't have sex with him but still feel dirty that I've been with a married man. I know it's my fault for digging, but it really just started off like a harmless lets see what we can find type thing.
I am absolutely not going to contact the wife or the guy (although I'm dying to call out his shitty behaviour) For all I know they could be in an open marriage & she couldn't give a stuff what he does on his sports trips but I feel grose. Dirty actually.
Is this a common thing these days? Do people just go and lie about partners being dead so they can get in your pants? I felt like a loser all week for not being loose and just having sex with him but after seeing he is married I feel so much better for not doing it.
I just hope that there are genuine guys out there who are honest. I don't really date a whole lot and definitely don't usually have random hookups.
Would you feel annoyed? I don't even know what I'm asking really but I just can't believe somebody would make up such a grim and sad story for sex!
43 Replies
Yuk what a creep, to say such a thing that is sick. You sound like such a decent girl and I’m so glad for you that it never went any further. That poor lady, who he is lying about. She’s home with the kids whilst he’s trying to get a shag by saying she died. So sick! I’m sure she knows he’s filth. I would get someone to drop her a message to warm her about any future trips and what he gets upto, just so it’s on her radar and leave it at that.
Hopefully she is reading this and it clicks. He is a loser.
I was actually hoping that it would get shared to the Imperfect Mum Facebook page so that it got more exposure lol
Maybe add more details, state/town, specific sports team, description of him hopefully someone tags and shares and shows her that way
I don't know why I feel guilty doing that tho! I am fully aware that I didn't know he was married and took him at face value but I just feel bad. Like if being dropping a huge bomb on a family. I am in Qld.
Because you are a genuine person and feel for his wife. He on the other hand, doesn’t seem like he cares less. Even though you are innocent, you know that she doesn’t deserve the hurt as much as it would be good for her to know and read this. It’s her that will be hurt. I’d say he’s done this before.
Trust me the only thing worse than that kind of hurt and pain is the time you waste living life with him while being blind to it.
I’d tell her just for the gross story he told. Leukaemia and widowed, poor me, then trying to have unprotected sex. Gross. He’s gross, tell her.
Grotty men like this are so desperately looking for a fuck they'll tell us anything to rope a women in. If it wasn't for men like this , ONLY FANS, tittie bars and Prostitution wouldn't exsist. They're the reasons these multi billion dollar sex industries thrive . Even better if they can get it for free which is why they spin yarns like that. Majority of men just think of their dicks. I'm glad you didn't go any further, what a fucking little deviate. And yet most wives are none the wiser or the last to know.
Deviate... I love that.
I feel so dirty. I admittedly do not have a lot of experience with hookups and random sex. Those types of encounters have been limited for me as i very rarely let myself get that wild. I feel ick that I even searched him or the team as I feel like that's a cringy thing to do and I should have just enjoyed the experience and let it go. His brother seemed really genuine and that's the only reason I found them was because the brother introduced himself with his real name. Pretty cranky at myself that I did investigate now as it's given me shocking anxiety.
Ewww she needs to know. Get someone to drop her a private message. Aren’t you glad it didn’t go any further. What kind of desperado would say that. I’d want to know if this was my husband.
Some Men have probably lied like this for decades!
We now though have social media where we can see it more.
Subconsciously I do wonder if you instinctively felt like something was off.. other wise you probably would not have searched for him.. just a hunch.
Lying about a wife having died is diabolical though! What a hideous man! His poor wife and family!
Yeah I think I did feel that something was a bit off... just the way he said that I was neat down there unlike some other girls, and commented that I had a really good smell... like if you were married for X amount of years you probably wouldn't have a lot to compare to from recent times. As I sobered up I just started remembering little comments and it made me wonder who tf doesent have FB or insta in 2023 haha.
Feral dirty grotty men exploit women or anyone no matter how confident you are.
Even if you did have sex with him, I'm glad you didn't and relieved that he didn't try to exploit the fact you were intoxicated. You said you were dizzy, was he controlling the flow of drinks?
This is completely on him.
I honestly am so glad that I didn't have sex with him. What I don't understand, is why he was so polite lol. He was definitely trying hard, and actually made comments about how I smelt good and was 'neat' unlike some other girls. Our first encounter was at the bar when I was ordering beside him and I asked him what his drink was (it was a tequila sunrise - I'd never had one before) ... He said here, do you want a taste and then stirred it with a straw and I had a sip. He was ordering for a few other people too. I don't even remember how long after that we all started hanging again. His brother was supporting an awesome disabled guy and I was dancing with him and just making sure he had a good time (I have family with similar disabilities). He went and got the a round of drinks which was my last drink for the night, I think around 3am. The club closed not long after and his brother hightailed it outta there so fast. I sort of wondered if his brother knew that he plays up, or was trying to prevent something? Not sure. Anyway I have gaps lol. As the weeks gone on I keep remembering little things he said here and there. He actually looked at my Mimco handbag and said oh Mimco. I asked how he knew the brand haha and he said his wife used to have that brand... wtf. He was just so polite. I feel like he made a frigid joke at one point about something but I'm really clutching at straws there. I had been drinking for hours and I think the movement and kissing with my eyes closed just made my stomach sick.
His brother probably knows what he’s like and wanted to get out of there, so he could say he didn’t know what was happening or if anything happened. He’s probably been put in this position before. This guy played you for a fool. Just so glad you stopped it before anything else happened else you’d feel hell of a lot worse than you do now.
I agree, you'd feel worse if things went further.
I've been in a similar situation though the creep was trying to get me completely off my face.
We all went swimming and he said he wanted to kiss me and go off and have sex. I sobered up quick smart and asked about his wife and daughter. He desperately said their relationship wasn't working and I got out of the pool with him begging me not to say anything.
There's a bit more to it, like it was a wedding, I was pretty intoxicated and went back to the hotel and was going to bed when he knocked on the door with more drinks in hand. He planned it totally.
I said nothing happened so what was there to say? My family thought we hooked up and I set them straight by saying if they felt I was capable of hooking up with married men then they could fcuk off.
I felt disgusting but OP, it's totally on him.
Ugh, that sounds horrible! You poor thing, like you walked away and he still showed up at your door!!
Yep, I was off my face, went back to the hotel room, hoped in the shower, got into my bed, and the door knock. My sister and I felt we had to be polite and sat on the balcony talking. She was more aware of her surroundings and I was off my face with sloopy inhibitions. So when he said "let's all go swimming!!" I was like "cool! Let's go swimming!" And innocently thought it was just that!
I did, however stop drinking even though he was offering more. The thing is, he was offering the lolly drinks and I prefer sauvignon blanc or gin and tonic. I would reach for those.
So he knew I was intoxicated, preyed on that, tried to get me further intoxicated and then nudged me to test the waters. Then realised I wasn't drunk enough to really get it on but legally give consent to sexual activity.
These guys are usually quite charming and do love the challenge but if they can get away with it, they will ensure one way or another, you loose your inhibitions and before you know it, end up waking up with no knickers on and se very sketchy memories and if you're very unlucky, you wake up in an unsafe environment where he has left you.
That's just foul. I'm so glad for you that you were able to see what he was trying to do! I really didn't even think about safety. I think I've really learnt a valuable lesson here. He said he'd been watching me for a few hours, which I don't know if true or not... so he knew I'd had a lot to drink.
He was watching you because you were his target. He was probably watching all of you and then chose you. Unfortunately, he was out for anyone.
He was so polite because he knew exactly what he was doing and what he wanted. It’s probably what got you sucked in. He sounds like a player and he knows how to get the girls sucked in. That story is so off and you’d have no reason to doubt someone telling you that, because no one would usually make up something so sick. It would be hard to believe it wasn’t true. He could have come up with with something that wasn’t so sick. Hope it all comes back on him and his wife leaves him.
Did you have oral sex in a hotel lobby?
I'm not judging, just checking that I read that correctly?
Guys like this have game, they are charming, that's how they con you into doing things you wouldn't normally do.
It's a pretty dangerous situation, you hear stories about footy teams gang raping women.
I'm glad you got out of this safely (at least physically, maybe not emotionally).
Don't feel bad about looking him up, you met what you thought was a nice guy, had a good time, most single people would probably do the same :)
Oh, I probably should have clarified... the lobby had a lounge area and the lights were off in the corner section. We only kissed etc in the lobby and after discussing not wanting to go upstairs to our shared rooms (well he did suggest the shower, but had no condoms) we went into the bathrooms where the other stuff went down. Classy hey. I did not perform oral sex. May as well have had the unprotected penis sex if I was going to do that lol. I really didn't even think about my safety until this week when I was thinking back about it. I didn't feel unsafe with him at all oddly, he really was charming!
The charming ones that bring your defences down are usually the most dangerous.
Take care of yourself.
Just FYI I know a girl who got herpes because a guy went down on her and must have recently had a cold sore (she didn't see one).
She had the mouth herpes downstairs.
Oh wow, that's something to keep in mind... I didn't even think about that. Thanks. It was a really random encounter and I still can't believe I even did that with somebody I'd known less than 90 mins. I'm usually very careful and aware but this particular might I just let it all go... almost haha
She had symptoms I think, pretty much the next day, so I'm 100 percent sure this isn't the case with you obviously, just letting you know.
I hate being older and single, because you know too much and think too much lol sometimes good to just have a wild night :)
I think I knew deep down something was off with him, but let's just say it had been a while and I tried really hard to let loose. I guess being (somewhat) smart kept me safer than I could have been.
Well you can now tick off oral sex in hotel bathroom from your bucket list lol
The super “nice” over the top caring etc are the ones with an ulterior motive and they always come with a sob story… - I’m a widow, my wife is abusive or crazy or whatever story they think will tug at your heartstrings and get them what they want .
I feel terrible for his wife because he’s probably just as manipulative towards her , not to mention exposing her to potential stds cause I’m sure this bloke gets around 🙄
I’m confused, what’s the guy with the disability got to do with this?
This is not new at all, the only difference is it's easier to catch them out now thanks to how easy it is to find someone on sm like you did. Back in the day you just would never have seen each other again and that would be it.
Think Barney from how I met your mother
Could u please tell his wife
I was the woman sitting at home looking after the kids. He lied to me, his mates lied for him and I had this disgusting, vile creature telling me it was all in my head (perfect gaslighter). My gut used to scream something was off but not one!!! person had the courage to tell me until I had been with him for over 15 years. I eventually had an anonymous message on Facebook from a man whose wife had slept with him and it was actually a relief. I thank God every day someone finally had the guts to let me know what a real pig I was with. Please even find an anon way to tell her. Her gut may already know and she just needs someone to tell her to trust it.
Also thank you. The fact that you feel bad about it shows that you do have a conscience. Would you have slept with him if you knew he was married? No. I think you can forgive yourself for this 💗
Hi - I was the woman sitting at home too, that's why I feel so disgusting. I feel absolutely horrid. I have lost 2 kilos since I found out as I've hardly eaten. I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I feel like it's my fault because I went looking and it's none of my business, but then at the same time I feel violated. I don't know why I feel violated as a I fully consented to hooking up with him the way I did. People have random hookups all the time right & would just move on... why didn't I lol? I also feel really guilty because I enjoyed it! I absolutely would not have even so much as kissed him had I of known he was with somebody!
It is your business as you wanted to know who you hooked up with and you found him attractive. Tbh if a man told me that story I would probably be interested in knowing him more and seeing if there was relationship potential.
It is not your fault he lied to you!!! Unfortunately he's an ugly person on the inside. He sounds like he is a very experienced player and knew just the right way to groom you. So of course you would feel violated because you were intimate with him based on what he told you and the whole lot was a lie. He is one sick individual. It's not the hooking up thing that is the problem. It's the fact that he's a low down piece of dirt and not the single man he made out to be. So of course you enjoyed it because you believed him to be who he said he was... again not your fault.
My ex was brilliant at grooming women. He would deliberately target single mothers or vulnerable women. I realised I could not go around hating or feeling angry with all the women he slept with because he deliberately targeted them. He even slept with someone while I was in hospital with our first baby. I did not find out until many moons later.
Tick it up to experience and make sure the next man is who he says he is. Ask to see his licence if you have to. Some of them are dangerous. And please consider anon letting his poor wife know. His days of being a scumbag need to end. He could give her an STI if he keeps sleeping around 😢
I would want to know if I was his wife - you should tell her, youve got nothing to lose and she does, if she doesnt believe you then thats on her - imagine if the next victim her lies to does have some kind of disease he takes home to her. Not to mention that this grub has a family that are deceived every day he comes home and tells them he's a good man. Imagine if you were the wife - please tell her <3
This is not on you. None of it is your fault.
But if I was the wife, I would absolutely want to know. How fing low, to claim his wife died and he is a single father. And then to try have unprotected sex with you.
How many other women has he been with? How many STI is he exposing his wife too?
He is risking her life. Please tell her. Make an anonymous Facebook page and tell her everything
Yes, people prepared to cheat on their spouse will definitely be fine with lying to get what they want.
My ex told the girl he was cheating with that he lived with his sister and nephews (instead of me, his partner of 8 years and our 6 & 3yr old sons).