My husband is fifo working week on week off and I’ve just found out that he had sex with a girl while at work in June. I’ve spoken to both sides and there stories line up. Only happened once and they don’t speak to each other anymore. My husband is obviously very sorry and is going to quit his job and go to a new site. He said his willing to do whatever it takes to make this up to me. My question is - am I being stupid to forgive him. And will I ever be able to trust him again. I’m broken because this was so far from my radar. He has never given me reason to not trust him and I’m in shock!!!
21 Replies
I believe yes. There’s no way someone just has a ONS once. People either cheat or don’t cheat. If he’s not a cheater, he’s not going to throw it all away over a one night stand, or decide after that it was a huge regrettable mistake and call it all off. It’s just not what a committed person would do. But I know you want to hold on to your relationship, change is hard. On the flip side, if he did in fact just randomly out of the blue have a one night quickie - nothing at all to it - one time out of how many years. How on earth would you ever trust him again? If people want to cheat they will find the way. Thinking rationally, it only takes 20 minutes. So if he’s asserting to you that this is what he did, no buildup, no messaging, flirting, interest, just out of your sight and bam, how would you ever trust him again?
Did he tell you straight away?
I wouldn't be able to trust again. The trust does not come back. It sounds like you found out either for yourself or from her so even more reason to not trust him. He only wanted to change sites after you found out he didn't have a problem with it before which kind of shows he didn't care or regret it.
I only just found out about this from a random person. This happened in June. He wasn’t ever going to tell me. We have been together 14 years and have 4 kids. I just have no one to talk to about it so can’t get any outside advice. He is organising counselling for us but.
Please reach out to family and friends, it sounds like you are isolated from people you can talk to. You poor mum home raising 4 kids, it’s bloody tough and he’s off getting his bit with out a care in the world. Disrespectful pig! It wouldn’t have only been June. It would have been more. Please get your family and friends, open up to them and get out else this will continue. The old councilling trick everytime too. It’s all a show because they get busted. What you do now and how you react will determine how you allow him to treat you in the future. Put a stop to it and stand up to him now and boot him.
I am sorry you are going through this, it’s so hurtful. He was never going to tell you and if he was decent and felt any kind of guilt , he would have told you. I’d say it’s been going on for months.
Agree except whatever you do, you won’t change him. If you find out this is what he is, PLEASE don’t waste your time trying for a ‘one more chance’. The fact they’ll beg and plead proves how much they don’t mind wasting your life. You deserve better and you won’t find it while wasting time giving this clown ‘a new start’ like he was an infant the first go round 🙄
He didn’t tell you. He was never going to tell you.
He could have brought a disease into your marriage. He has destroyed the marriage.
Leave him and be happy with yourself. You deserve better
IT NEVER ONLY HAPPENS ONCE. LOVE HOW THEY ALL USE THE “ IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE LINE “ FUNNY MY EX SAID THE SAME THING! SOME HOW THEY THINK THIS LIE MAKES THEIR LOW LIFE ACT NOT SO BAD 🙄 OF COURSE THEIR STORIES MATCH UP. MY EXES AND MY BEST FRIENDS DID TOO. I GOT RID OF HIM THERE AND THEN. YOU DESERVE BETTER! DONT ACCEPT THIS EXCUSE, IT DOESNT MAKE IT OK OR LESSEN THE HURT AND PAIN TO YOU! THIS ISNT YOUR FAULT AND ITS ALL ON 2 LYING, SLY DOGS!
🙌🙌 totally! ‘It was only once’ and their stories lining up beautifully. Just take in his honest face right now, because 100% he’s in damage control and there is more that you don’t know. They never give it all up, only what they have to.
It was never on my radar either and it only happened once and let’s go to counselling. There was no acceptable excuses for me. I told him to leave and never come back. I cut him off and move on with my life and I am so glad I did. I felt so betrayed and hurt. I was vomiting and lost so much weight. I knew all the excuses were lies because he got caught. I was lucky we didn’t have kids but I wouldn’t stay if we did.
FIFO work attracts people who want to behave like this. I've known a few men who won't do this kind of work because of the culture
This happened in June. It is now almost February.
Not only that but you had to find out from a random person...
Mate, this man is far from sorry. There's no genuine remorse here!
The grovelling, the offer to quit his job etc - that's him doing damage control.
He isn't sorry that he did it, he's sorry because you found out.
Once someone cheats, there is always potential for it to happen again because you know they are capable of crossing that line.
Forgive him or don't - that's entirely up to you. Just don't naively believe this was/will be a once off and don't expect things to ever be the same.
Likely he hurt someone over Christmas or it recently all came undone and they’re angry at his lies. Did mystery person tell you why they decided to tell you now?
I'm not sure it's important to be honest. What motivated this person to come forward to OP is neither here or there. Maybe it was out of spite, maybe it was to clear their conscience, maybe they just found out and thought it was the right thing to do. Eirher way, it doesn't really matter.
Her husband is the one who betrayed her trust by being unfaithful. This ALL lies on him. That's where OPs focus needs to be right now!
Faced with the same situation, he'd do it again, you can bet on it. Can't be trusted.
Just over 28 months this was a similar post to one I made.
Like you I had zero inclination that this was a thought. It broke me. My heart and soup was broken. The pain and feeling over completely having my world shattered I just can't completely explain.
We stayed, we talked about it, we had separate and couples therapy. I'm not going to lie it is hard work. I over annalise EVERYTHING. Trying to see if there were signs and I missed them. Occasionally I have a bad moment and it hurts me again.
I van honestly say the bad moments aren't as often anymore and they don't last as long. I can now tell him I'm having a moment and he listens to how I'm feeling. He has taken 100% of the responsibility for what he did and the hurt he caused.
His ability to understand that healing is a slow process was something he worked in during therapy.
In those first 10 or so months I questioned myself if staying wad the right thing because leaving would have been an easier option. But I don't think I would have healed.
This is a personal choice and only you can decide if its right for you. My advice is either way get therapy for yourself. There is no right or wrong with your decision on this one.
No not at all. I think its the biggest lie ever when people say "once a cheater always a cheater". In my opinion people make mistakes, how they handle those mistakes is what matters to me.
Will it be hard to regain that trust? Absolutely. Will it take work? Yes! He needs to realise that he will need to regain that trust and that you will have moments of questioning him, moments of distrust and you are entitled to do that!
From reading further I see he didn't tell you and that you found out through someone else, that will likely cause another layer to this situation. But on the flip side any person on earth would find it hard to confess an affair, because he would have been afraid of hurting you and loosing you. He needs to work on having honest conversations, and telling you the truth even if he's afraid of the consequences.
Forgiving a cheater is individual. It's a 100% deal breaker. I don't care if in first few weeks or 20 years in.
To me he us just trying to clean up the mess he made
The only person who can decide is you. People will tell you their opinion but they don't know your husband, you or your life.
The things I would think about are the effects if you choose forgiveness. Can you trust him again or will it eat you up? Will you start to feel controlling as a response to this? Will you be afraid when his phone goes off or he goes out? Are you both happy with any agreements/arrangements necessary to rebuild trust? Do you trust yourself to believe in him again? What will it feel like when he is at work? Has this experience given you issues within yourself that may worsen over time (for example, it's a common reaction to feel fat, ugly, not good enough)?
This sounds like it wasn't a full on affair. So do you trust him not to be impulsive?
Most importantly, do you feel he's genuinely remorseful and do you feel like he can actually learn from this experience to never do it again?
Everyone and every relationship is different. I chose to stay despite my better judgement however I am not the same person and the relationship is no longer the same. You have one life. Take your time in choosing the right path for you but regardless if you stay, don’t think it will go back to how it use to be. Much love sister